12/31/11

The day has finally arrived, it is now one year since Tim's passing.  A year ago around this time (7:30) I was at the hospital visiting him, along with his niece Tracy and a friend of his. I would end up going home for the evening around 8:20, going home to laundry and other chores. 

I was down stairs getting clothes from the dryer and missed the hospital calling. Th voice mail told me to call the hospital right away.  My heart fell to my stomach at that moment, as a ting of fear washed over me.  I took a deep breath and called back,  the Dr. explained that Tim had suffered a massive stroke/heart attack. They were resuscitating him for almost 20 minutes, when the realized they had to call his medical power of attorney, his brother Pete,  who informed them of Tim's wishes to not be resuscitated.  She tells me that he died at 10:37.  I was in a state of utter shock, and I believe I said No! and then said Fuck..words were hard to get out and even think of at this moment.  She asked if I needed a cab called and I momentarily was able to pull it all together and say no and that I was on my way.  More swearing as I frantically changed clothes, I made a call to Sharon to see if she could come to the hospital.  She was in Waukesha and while would come if needed, suggested I call Rod & Jimmy as they were closer (Janesville).  I called and Rod answered, and through tears I explained that Tim had died and thankfully he took over the conversation, asking if I wanted them to come up.  I said yes.

I was able to get changed, and thankfully my, what I call auto pilot kicked in and helped me pull it together to function enough to drive to the hospital, get past security, into the elevator and to his room.  I was meet by his nurses, who gave me a hug and let me into the room.  From that moment on, I was a crying basket case.  I had over an hour and a half alone with Tim, before Rod and Jimmy got to the hospital.  I cried and cried and just paced and paced, only sitting when I felt like I would just collapse.  I have never shed so many tears in my life up to that point, and while I would like to say I won't ever again, I know I will.

I was able to hold his hand, which and this is what finally got me to leave, his hand was still warm but by stated getting cold.  I couldn't stay after that started happening, so as part of my goodbye I kissed him and kissed his hand one more time.  I was glad to have had that time with him, as I know it helped me with saying goodbye.

It does seem so surreal those moments, especially those right after finding out he had died, and it still amazes me I did it.  It is amazing the way the mind and body can take work together to allow you to work though and get done what needs to be done.  That I wasn't collapsed on the floor in a puddle of my own tears, incapacitated by grief, is a testament to the body's auto pilot as I call it.  Mind numbing pain and grief and soul crushing anguish is perhaps the best way to describe what I felt those moments, days and months after his death.  It was the support of friends and family that helped me get those first days and then every day after.  I honesty have no idea how I would have got through all of this with out all of them

If someone had told me in January that I would be able to get through 12/31, I would have said they were crazy.  But here it is 12/31 and I am ding ok.  What ever I feel  feel, and however i react is fine.  I am not anxious about how I will fell nor do I feel guilty that I am not crying right or inconsolable.  I am grieving as I should, in my own way and in the manner I choose.

I have taken time today to reflect on the day and on Tim.  I am truly happy for having been a part of his life and he a part of mine.  While our time together was short, it is time I wouldn't trade fr anything and would glady do over, even though I know the outcome.  I found love and and so thankful for that.   Tim will always have a special place in my heart, filled with his love and my memories. 

I love you Tim.

So far...

Well here we are now, it is December.  I can't believe how fast the past 12 months have gone. The past 12 months have at times been a whirlwind, in speed of passing and in emotions and feelings.  There was only the smallest speck of light at the long tunnel I was facing in January.  Having made it closer too the end of that tunnel, at times feels like nothing short of a miracle.  As I have said in the past, while I would in no way have sought this grief and the the raw emotions that go hand in hand with it, I am glad for the journey that brought me to grief's doorstep.  To have had anytime with him (and the loss felt after his passing) was better than never having had anytime with him. 

While the days are still filled with memories and daily reminders of him, the days are better now then 12 months ago.  The month has other significant days besides the 31st, but the first one passed rather well.  The 2nd was the day he went into the hospital.  The 10th was the stroke and surgery then there is/was Christmas.  Last Christmas was so, well at least for me, surreal.  It was the first time in 41 years I wasn't at home and the first at an Indian restaurant.  I was able to celebrate with friends, so that helped immensely. Now as for the 31st..well now that day is something I am still working on/working out in my head.  I don't know what I want to do that day, but I think I will probably spend it by myself, at least the evening anyway. 

I honestly, as the writing of this post, feel pretty good emotionally.  Now I am still not really "celebrating" Christmas this year.  I am not putting up a tree and am not sending Christmas cards.  Now I will still celebrate with a few friends and family, but on the whole I am just taking a break this year.  I am enjoying shopping for presents for friends and family, but that is really the extent of my Christmas this year.  Next year I will feel more festive and more inclined to "celebrate".  

I will post again soon, I just wanted to give a brief update on the month so far.

Thanksgiving

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am reminded of the things I am thankful for (and some of the things that make me happy) and wanted to share.  After my last post, I wanted something not so dark and anger laced.  Here is what I am thankful for this year (in no order of importance)

Family
Friends
Employment
Grover (cat)
Coffee
Will & Grace
Starbucks Iced coffee with vanilla syrup
Frank Sinatra and his incredible voice
Ibuprofen
My chiropractor
Pink Lady apples
Cherry delight (Mom's best dessert)
Seven & Seven
My godchildren (and their siblings)
Sunshine
A nice spring rain
ABBA
Laughter
Living in Madison
Concerts on the Square
David Sedaris
Movable type (thank you Mr. Gutenberg)
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...
Van Gough
Movies
Bugs Bunny
Oatmeal
Wine
Shopping
Rainbows
Being gay
Pan a chocolat
Lazy Sunday mornings
My health
Warm socks
Blue (the color)
Charlie Brown
Traveling
London
Living in America
Oxygen
Will power
Abbot & Costello movies
A brisk fall day
Fall leaves
Birthdays
Quitting smoking
Losing weight
Sunrises
Sunsets
Quite
Love
Tim
Cleanliness
Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter!!
The perfectly wrapped present
Christmas ornaments
Sa-Bai Thong (Thai Cuisine)
Pad Thai with Shrimp
Pizza
Good looking men
Starbucks (where the barista know my name and drink)
A good meal
Music
The 1980's
College
Kindness
Smiles
Manners
The Macy's Day parade
David Boreanaz
Colin Firth
Reading on the patio on a warm sunny day
The smell of a spring rain and fall leaves
Kisses
Hand holding



I am thankful for so much this year.  Even though this holiday season is a bit darkened by Tim's passing, I am still thankful for so much.  I am thankful for all of my friends and family who have been there through the good and bad of the past year.  They made the past year bearable and even enjoyable.  The words thank  you don't being to cover my appreciation for them and all they have done.  I love all of them and am thankful every day for them.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Hold that anger...

Today was supposed to be a good relaxing day.  Get up, have some coffee and breakfast, watch Sunday Morning on CBS, exercise, and then see a double feature (Sunday Screenings) at the Chazen Museum of Art.   Well the day did start out as planned, coffee, breakfast and CBS.  After that it sort of went a different direction.

 What started out as just taking a few things to the basement, ended up being a cleaning/sorting project.  I went through some VHS tapes and cassette tapes, tossing some, and donating the others.  I  ended up with a box and a bag for Goodwill and a box and bag for Half Priced Books.  I also rearranged my book case, winnowing my collection and changing the location of pictures, and other items on the shelves. The whole  project took me almost three hours. 

I have been very fastidious as of late, almost compulsive with neatness, and organizing and/or arranging.  I know this is my way of keeping busy, staving off boredom and preventing my mind from focusing on some upsetting/unpleasant things. So I have this going on, along with my continued irritability issues.   If I am not busy I tend to get crabby and have a very short fuse when it comes to day to day things. Traffic, the store not having the items I expect it too, the cat, the list goes on and on.

 It also hasn't helped the fast few days that my back has been bothering me again.  Not sure whree that came from as it has been doing so well for so long.  I have also had off and on again dental pain.  The Chiropractor helped and I have an appointment with a  new dentist on Monday.  These two issues at least have been or will be resolved.  That has helped a little but not as much as I would have liked.

So by now, even though I am happy the results of my cleaning and rearranging, I also feel as though I wasted the day and now feel a bit  rushed.  I have to be at the museum by 4:00 to catch the movies, and by now I haven't yet shaved nor gotten ready.  So I am feeling a bit hurried even though I truly do have time..  By time I get downtown, the parking situation didn't work out initially as planned. So by time I get a parking place I am rather irritated.  I ended up parking about half a mile away and have to walk.  The walk helped calm me so by time I arrived for the movies I am much calmer.

The movies were It's a Gift, a 1934 W. C. Fields movie to be followed by Hold That Ghost, a 1941 comedy starring Abbott and Costello.  I had never seen the first one, but the second is one of my favorites.  It is also the movie Tim and I watched on our first date back at his place.  So I have this in the back of my mind while I am watching both movies.  I enjoyed them both, but on the walk back to my car, I started thinking more about Hold that Ghost and my memories associated with it.  This as fist got me a bit down, then and I am ont sure where this came from, but angry, not irritated, but angry. 

I was angry that I had to see this by myself, that it wasn't he and I going. That this movie will always have the memory of Tim associated with it, so every time I see it I will be reminded of him.  Angry that now I am single and lonely again.  I was just so pissed because of all of this.  So by now I was angry with myself for being angry and that this upset me this way.  While anger is part of grief, I was rather surprised as to the degree of my anger, the degree I felt it and the degree to which I assigned it to him.

I was able to calm down and sort of work through it, but now I am rather ashamed of my feeling angry and sad.  Sad that he is gone and I am left with only his memory and my memories of our time together.  I know that all of this has just been simmering right under the surface, and the fact that we are getting closer and closer to some key anniversaries, only adds to and increases my emotions.  Do I want to be this emotional , no. Do I want to just have memories, no, having the real thing would be better.  Do I know I can only have memories, yes.  Will all of this always be on my mind, yes.  I know that one day it won't hurt as much and that will be ok.  I will have memories that I can handle emotionally.  Until then I will have my angry moments, at Tim and others, know that these too will pass and get easier to deal with. 

I am not sure what else to say on this, I just needed to get it all off my chest.  (Miss you and love you honey)

Upbeat as promised

This is to be the upbeat post I promised at the end of my last posting.  So without further ado...

On October 28th, David Sedaris was at the Overture Center.  I saw him for the first time last year, a birthday present, and was so happy to hear he was coming back again this year (A birthday to myself this year).  I made a night of it, going downtown for dinner at the Old Fashioned before the show. 

Evidently 5:30 on a Friday is one of the worst times to come, as it was forty five minute to an hour wait.  The one consolation was if you could find a spot at the bar , which was serving the menu as well.  I guess I was spoiled as every other time I have gone, I was sat right away. Well I ordered a Pumpkin ale and waited.  The show didn't start until 8:00 and I  figured (correctly) that he wouldn't start signing books until at least 7:40 or so.  I waited for forty five minutes before there was an opening at the bar.  By now, Mr. lightweight was feeling pretty good, due to the Pumpkin Ale i had ordered.  I decided to order another, along with my regular order, #38 Summer sausage sandwich with onions and sauerkraut and fries.  I finished my meal, now feeling even better with beer #2 finished.

 I walked to the Overture Center, as I now had about twenty minutes to kill.  I ended up being about number 12 in line.  Last year i had made the incorrect assumption that due to it being a sold out appearance he wouldn't be signing books,. When I realized my error, the line was way to long and I wasn't about to buy a book I already had one of at home.  This year I brought one of my favorites and one that was very special to me.  I brought Holidays on Ice, a collection of Christmas related essays, covering his time as a Department store elf, one about Christmas card letters and family Christmases.  I have always enjoyed this book, but it took on a special meaning as it was a book I read to Tim around Christmas 2009.  I would generally read it as we went to bed, he usually falling asleep before i was even a page in.  I must have started that book over at least 15 times, having to reread pages he had fallen asleep before.  I even have the Hall's cough drop wrapper I used as a book mark, marking the last page I read.

I am always very nervous about meeting authors/personalities.  I was very nervous meeting Wade Rouse and Josh Kilmer Purcell, even though these meetings went very well and were very fun.  I think my biggest problem was not knowing what to say, or over analyzing what I would say.  I wanted to share the importance of this book, but at the same time just wanted to meet David and hopefully exchange some small talk.  The people in front of me were laughing and having a good time when they would meet with him, so I was hoping for the same.  While the conversation didn't quite go as planned, he was very polite and gracious.  I was able to briefly share my story but it sort went by so fast, the meeting, that I am not sure he understood what I had said.  Anyway, I was very happy to have met him and to have him sign the book.

Now as for the show, he was in good from again, reading form a few of his essays that have appeared in The New Yorker and from his diary.  One of the essays was about his adventures with a foreign language tapes. After tweaking one company for its limited collection of phrases in the article (New Yorker), he later received a bonus lesson from the company made just for him, which included the Japanese-to-English translation of 'I am a middle-aged homosexual."  he also read "Why I am not Running for President," a satirical essay in which he assumes the persona of a Republican who explains why he is not running but also why he is the best choice.  (God told him he was the best choice).  He offered his solutions on topics ranging form abortion to illegal immigration.  needless to say his persona was over the top and made the current Republican hopefuls look way more appealing in comparison. (Wasn't sure that was possible)

David then read a few diary entries before closing with a some jokes.  I willnow share three of the best.

Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky were walking down a sidewalk one night when a man in a trench coat approached them and opened his coat.  He had the biggest and thickest cock either of them had ever seen.  Monica turns to Lorena and asks if she still has 'that" knife.' Lorena says yes and reaches in her purse for it.  Monica says great , and taking a finger to either side of her mouth and tracing her way up her checks, telling Lorena to cut her her and here.  imagine the joker smile and you get the visual.

A man and women are riding in an elevator at a medical donation center.  The women asks him what he is donating, to which the man replies, "Sperm. They pay $50 a donation."  He then asks the women what she is donating, to which she replies, "Plasma.  All I get is $5.00 a donation. What a rip off."  A few weeks later, the man and women meet again in the same elevator.  The man asks if she is donating plasma again.  The women, clearly with he mouth full, shakes her head and mumbles um mmm (no).  I hope that was self explanatory ( she had a mouth full of sperm).

A man was just about asleep when he heard a knock at his front door.  He angrily gets out of bed and makes his way to the front door.  He opens the door and looks down to find a snail.  The snail asks " Hello sir, could I interest you in a magazine subscription?" The man was so pissed upon being disturbed for this, he kicks the snail off the porch and onto the side walk, slamming the door and storming back to bed.  Two years later there is another late night knock at the door. The man goes to the font door, opens it and see the snail once a gain.  The snail says, "What the fuck was that for". 

Well needless to say, Mr. Sedaris is a great story teller and a wonderful essayists, and is not to be missed when he comes to town.  I truly had an an enjoyable evening and can't wait to see him again.  See I promised upbeat and believe I have delivered  :)

Nothing in particular

Things have been rather uneventful as of late.  It is pretty much work, Starbucks and shopping at lunch, work out at home or the gym, wasted time on Internet, preparations for the next day and bed by 10:00.  I am not complaining, as routine is helpful and well routine, and it offers some form of control.  Now do I enjoy when things throw off my routine, no, but I am working on that.  Perspective, is what I am trying to apply to things in my life.  Will the world come crashing down if I don't get xyz project done at work, or if the apartment isn't clean, no.  Will anyone remember that thing I didn't do twenty years from now, most likely that would be no.  Perspective helps assign things their proper importance. 

Life has certain responsibilities and things that should be done, but really its all about perspective or the big picture.  I have realized that the past is the past and unchangeable; the future is unwritten and worrying about something that hasn't happened yet is a pointless.  The present is all one has, and they need to live it, ignore it, deal with it or shuffle through it.  The present is really the only thing one has control over.  I am not a big believer in destiny or luck, although I do think that the notion of karma is worth thinking about. 

One should be aware of the past and if possible learn from it, but don't get caught up in dwelling on it or reliving it.  remembrance of the past can be nice, wallowing in the past is not so nice.  The same is true for the future, in that one can think about the future, maybe even plan some of it, i.e. retirement. Obsessing about the future prevents you from living in the present, wasting the moments you have over moments that you don't yet have. 

basically I am trying to learn the importance of things in my life and while not deciding what I want to be when I grow up, it is deciding what I value and what I enjoy and how to enjoy that which I enjoy.  I have had in some sense, perspective has slapped me in the face.  Death is a huge perspective slap in the face.  Not only does it give one pause on their own mortality it also shows that life is short and should be enjoyed a s much as possible.  I am not saying I will now be whooping it up, but I will be trying to find that what makes me happy as well as try to be genuinely happy. 

Now having said all of that, is it working ? Well there are some that would say that I am not exactly Mr. Happy most days.  I think the term crabby has been used a few times.  If only those I share the road with could hear me or those in the gym using the treadmills I want or need could read my thoughts. Suffice it to say it would not be pretty or polite. Let me just say that some times I get a bit "uptight", and am far from happy.  I again am working on all of this, doing most of it myself or through counseling.   I am not expecting an epiphany but do hope to find what makes me happy and try to be someone who is happy. 

Well this ended up being way deeper than I imagined when I starting posting.  The next one will be less deep and maybe even funny.  I should post about meeting David Sedaris and seeing him in concert, a truly upbeat experience.  I had no idea that he had such a potty mouth, although if one could  describe potty mouth as tasteful then it would apply here. I think I will post the three jokes he shared with the audience.  Some hints: A corvette, Monica Lewinsky and plasma donations.

I Miss

I Miss

Holding your hand
Hearing the rhythmic thump thump of your heart valve
The sound of your voice
Your laugh
The scent of your cologne
The roughness of your unshaven face against mine
Your humor
Your laugh
Laying together on the couch watching a movie
Your smile
The happiness you expressed with your eyes
Talking with you
Waking up next to you
Our lazy donuts and coffee Sundays
Seeing you
Antiquing with you (even though I was bored 10 minutes in)
Hugging you
Kissing you
The mornings laying in bed laughing and joking
Folding your laundry
Feeling whole
Your stopping and petting every dog
Your kind and polite demeanor
Being able to tell you I love you
You telling me you love me
Your stuffed animals
You always beating me in 500
My always beating you when we played Candy Land
Reading to you
Your snoring
Calling you right after I was done with work
Calling you husband
Spending my life with you
The things I am forgetting to mention

I love you.

I miss you.

Forget me nots

The Journey/ The Dance

Today Tim was very heavy on my mind today.  In part due to the movie I saw today, 50/50 and due to a few conversations with my friend Sharon today while in Chicago for the day (her work sponsors a yearly  Magnificent Mile shopping trip).  Tim had gone with us three years ago, and as we generally go to the same places, I was once again reminded of him.  Seeing shopping bags from the Lego store, driving past the spot we waited for the return bus home and nearly froze to death, the Christmas ornaments at Crate & Barrel, all just a few reminders of him. 

There was a scene in the movie, where the main character Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who has a rare form of cancer, has a slight meltdown the day before surgery to remove the cancer.  He tells his therapist that he is "tired of being sick".  This struck a nerve as this is the very thing Tim had said a few times, the most memorable was about a month before he went to the hospital.  He had been having cluster migraines and this was the day after a particularly bad spell.  He started crying and repeated  a few times that he was tired of being sick.  I did my best to comfort him but words and hugs can only do so much.  Throughout the whole surgery montage, I was tearing up.  This just brought my thoughts of Tim to the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day. 

As I said in my last blog about mending my broken heart, this has been a rather rough week emotionally for me.  I was in a relative happy place there for a while but I think those days may have gone for a while, but I know they will come back.  These feelings of emotional frailty or susceptibility to tears has been just below the emotional surface for a few weeks now. Most days are fine in that I go to work, function, laugh, have happy thoughts...normal every day stuff, but like I said, emotional frailty is right their by my side.   I know it will get better, I tell myself that everyday.  I know that time will heal the wound of his loss, but that wound will never leave, I will just be better able to deal with it.

There is a song that in part relates to my feelings tonight as i write this blog, it is perhaps one of the most touching songs I know:


The Dance
Garth Brooks

Lookin' back on the memories of the dance we shared beneath the stars above. For a moment, all the world was right. How could I've known that you'd ever say 'good bye?' And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Holdin' you, I've held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the king? But if I'd only known how the king would fall, Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all. And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Yes, my life is better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. The journey

How can you mend a broken heart

The Bee Gees wrote this song and while I like their version, I enjoy Al Green's version more.  I have been thinking a lot about broken hearts and the mending of them.  I think in part due to ever so lovely fall weather, my mood has been rather glum.  The two funeral visitation in as many days probably didn't help either.  The sun comes up every day and the world continues to spin, whether you hurt or not.  Life has a funny way of going on that way.

The song basically asks, at least for me it does, how do I mend my broken heart when the world keeps moving on.  The song almost asks this as a rhetorical question, how does a heart mend, how do you stop the sun from shining, what makes the world go round.  Ultimately the singer looks beyond this, realizing again that life goes on and hopefully someone will come along and help mend the heart and live again.  While the realization that life goes on and things will get better, it doesn't always make it easier to get through the day and on to the next.  I know I will mend my heart someday and hopefully find another to love and be loved by.  I just have to keep pushing on, one day after the next until the heart is mended.

I have been thinking of Tim a lot the past few days, and to be honest, crying myself to sleep on a few occasions. The emotions sometimes remind me of the first weeks/months after his death.  I sort of imagined that as the one year anniversary grew closer, I would maybe have days like this.  Some of the memories are happy ones, they are not all sad moments.  The next two months have a lot  of anniversaries, our last Thanksgiving, the day he went to the hospital, the stroke, Christmas, 12/31.  I am not afraid or scared that these days are soon to arrive, I will take it day, each moment as it comes.  Those days may be ok, they may be really sad, but as i have said before, it is what it is (or it will be what it will be). 

I may not have magic wand or the magic lamp to mend my broken heart, and even if i did I am not sure I would use them.  While it may hurt, experiencing this loss and all its facets is not something one should wish away.  It helps one grow as a person and it is part of life, enjoyed or not.  My heart will mend someday and my world will be a better place for having mending it and having whole once again.




How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Bary and Robin Gibb

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

Gone but not gone....

Not really sure what to post here, felt like I should post something but as my emotions and feelings are all over the place, I wasn't sure if I could pull something together.  A dear friend of mine and I were talking the other day and the topic of Tim came up.  They mentioned how it still doesn't seem real that he is gone.  I think this is in part due to the fact it happened so fast and was not really expected.  (Those that knew of his condition knew this day may come sooner than later- just not no soon).  He was only in the hospital for 29 days and was at least in some measure making improvement.  That he came back as much as he did after 3 weeks after the first stroke and surgery is pretty amazing. 

I have days were I don't think about him being gone, as in part I just feel as if he is home at this parents place (when he went there we didn't have the chance to talk much) and that we will be talking again soon.  the other day I was on may way to the store after work and for a moment thought: I need to call Tim while i have a minute before i get to the store.  Of course I had to pause for a second and realize that I couldn't do that.  I have yet to take his phone number off my contacts list on my phone.    That won't happen for a while, I am not any where near being ready for that yet.

As i have mentioned before, as very day passes the anniversary of his death gets closer and there are constant reminders of him all around.  He loved fall and all its colors, especially Sugar maple trees.  He enjoyed Sugar maple across the street from my apartment building.  It alwasy turns the most vibrant of oranges.  He loved Halloween, almost as much as he loved Christmas.  I due try and avoid the Halloween stuff when I am at Walmart, as seeing it I would think about what Tim would have liked and what he might have bought.  There are also some super eager stores that have Christmas stuff already, yet another section to avoid, at least for this year.  My ornament buying will take a holiday this year. 

We I will visit his grave once more this year, hopefully yet this month or early next month.  I will take some Christmas flowers and sit for a bit and talk with him.  I don't go often as it is a 2 hour ride one way, so 4 hours round trip.  Plus I truly can talk to him anywhere which I will do sometimes.  I do want to make sure I take flowers and make sure the marker is clean.  I don't plan on being there on 12/31, that is not part of my plan for that day, at least for now anyway.

Sugar maple near apartment

Birthday

Today is my birthday and I didn't really mark the occasion. I would usually have dinner with friends, but I really didn't feel like that this year.  I did, what has become my normal ritual: sit outside at Starbucks, have a grande Iced coffee with vanilla syrup and read a book or write in the journal. Today I did splurge and had the chocolate grahams, my birthday cake I guess. My friends and family called with birthday greetings and my coworkers got me a card.  Aside from the greetings and cards it was pretty much a regular day.

It is funny how much changes in a year.  A year ago Tim and I were in Dubuque the weekend before by birthday.  We stayed in Dubuque, going to Galena and then driving around the area looking at antique stores.  I remember it was a rather chilly weekend last year, I thought we would both freeze while on the haunted Galena night trolley tour.  We really did enjoy Dubuque have spent the weekend of our wedding there as well.  Tim left the Mystic Casino ahead $200, thanks to the Village People nickel slot machine. (I know go figure - the gays pay or at least reward their own ). 

I think this of course is why in part I didn't really feel like celebrating the birthday this year.  Now in all fairness, after the 40th, I have been sort of blah about my birthday.  This year it really felt like any other day. Maybe by my 45th I will feel like celebrating.  I have said that either by my 45th or on my
45th birthday, I will have a tattoo.  Now said tattoo will be no larger than a half dollar, will be a smiley face and will be on my right shoulder or upper right back area.  No bleeding harts or tribal signs, etc., never cared for that at all.  Piercing my right ear was my "mid-life crisis" or just a late 38th birthday present to myself.  the tattoo by age 45 will mark the close of what ever "mid-life crisis" I may be feeling.

Well not much else to say here regrading my birthday, and my non-celebration, I will part with some sage words (I did use this one before on a friend's birthday card, so yes it does look familiar).

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Jack Benny

Eat, Pray, Love

I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love:  One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I had seen the movie last year and really enjoyed it, and had a friend highly recommend the book. The book is divided into three sections, Eat (Italy), Pray (India) and Love (Indonesia).  I enjoyed Eat, was rather bored with Pray and was mixed about Love.

Eat, was fun, upbeat, and delicious.  Traveling around Italy and Rome sounded exciting, almost intoxicating. Elizabeth described the food and the people, her experiences in such detail and in such a fashion as it made you feel you were there eating the delicacies as well and hanging out with her friends.  I almost wish this section of the book could have gone on for another 200 pages.  I am truly a sucker for a nice travel essay or travel memoir.

 Now in all fairness, the Pray part did have some rather uplifting stuff and it did give me pause on occasion. The real issue for me about this section was that it seemed a bit, well preachy is not exactly the right word.  It was a bit too ethereal, and yes I suppose it should be as it is talking about the spiritual realm, but it was to much for me.  I am not a really religious person, having checked out of the Catholic Church and organized religion as a whole,  a long time ago and have my own beliefs about "God", good and evil, karma, the after life, etc.

Love, well love is pretty much about learning to love others and to let others love you, but at the same time knowing what kind of love is right for you. This is a game of chance, but if one knows who they are this leads to knowing what you like, and what you want for others and a relationship. Love can me messy sure, loving oneself and others can be hard to do, but not impossible and ca be very rewarding on so many levels.

I am glossing over a lot here, and in no way am doing the book justice, but I will say I enjoyed her writing style and the messages found through out the book.  To me, Eat was about enjoying life, sampling it, and sampling it often.  It is important to let go once in a while and enjoy lifer and all its delights with wild abandon. To do nothing and enjoy it, or as the Italians say,  Il bel far niente (the beauty of doing nothing).  Pray was about getting in touch with your self and learning to appreciate how unique you are and that we each have our own spirituality. One should take time to listen to themselves and be comfortable with oneself, for loving oneself goes a long way to leading a life of contentment and hopefully happiness.

Heer are a few things from the book that I rather enjoyed: 

You were given life, it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight

...the appreciation of pleasure can be an anchor of one's humanity

I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you

The last one, was the one I truly enjoyed.  This was something she wrote in a journal that she kept and would often refer back to when she was depressed and dealing with more than she wanted to or could handle.  It I think is the summation of the book, in a nice simple phrase. Love yourself, respect yourself, help yourself and be there for yourself (the rest will fall into place).

All of this is following with my last post about finding the beautiful in life as well as finding the happy.  Sure, some days I am not looking for beauty and am in no way happy, but this is something to aspire to and to work on or work at.  This book helped clarify a few things and gave me hope, the hope and aspiration to find the beauty within myself and within the world around me. 

Happy days

I have had this song in my head off and on again since I heard it online a while ago.  It is Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again, and is actually to borrow from Wikipedia: "Happy Days", in medley with Judy Garland's "Get Happy" (as originally performed in duo by Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland in the 1960s), was used in the 2010 episode Duets of TV show Glee, performed by actors Lea Michele and Chris Colfer.  Ok I will admit, do I watch Glee no, have I seen the video on YouTube, yes.  Does this mean I am now watching Glee no, I still pretty skip most television.  That aside, I do enjoy the combination of these songs.  When I hear either version, Streisand/Garland or Michele/Colfer, I due feel happier.  This song truly does bring a smile to my face and to my heart.

One talks about getting ready for the "promised land" while the other is a message of happiness.  Both are upbeat in their composition, happy Days of course the most upbeat and happy of the two.  I think the song makes me happy as it reminds me that there is happiness out there, and it is attainable. Granted one is about dying and moving on to the afterlife, but it is something one should be happy about as (well now one has to believe in God and heaven , but we won't address that here) you are going to a good place.

The second song tells you to forget your troubles and be happy. That of course is not always an easy thing, for anybody on any given day, and for me more so lately.  But I think it strikes an optimistic chord, a chord I need to gar a hold of and not let go.  I have stated that the past few weeks or so have been a bit hard, not unmanageable, just some days better than others.  I am working on embracing the many positives in my life and trying to see the happiness that is out there in the world. 

I have been taking more pictures lately, trying to capture that which makes me happy, or is beautiful or pretty to me.  I am reading happy books for now and enjoying the endorphins that my exercise provides.  Being able to find the happiness I know is out there isn't easy sure, but the more I work at it the more I realize that it is out there and out there in spades.  One just has to take the time to see it, to breathe it in, to stop and enjoy. 

I will continue in my pursuit of happiness and do my best to find it and cultivate it over the next few months.  With this song as my soundtrack, I have the motivation to find the happy.

Get Happy/ Happy Days Are Here Again

Forget your troubles, happy days

C'mon get happy are here again

You better chase all your cares away

(The skies above are clear again)

Shout hallelujah, so let's sing a song

C'mon get happy of cheer again

Get ready for the judgment day

(Happy days are here again)

The sun is shining, come on get happy

Shout it now there's no one

The lord is waiting to take your hand

Who can, doubt it now

Shout hallelujah, so let's tell the world

And just get happy about it now

We're going to the promise land

(Happy days are here again)

We're heading cross the river

Soon you case when I'll be gone

There'll be no more from now on

From now on

Forget your troubles

Happy days

And just get happy

Are here again

You better chase all your blues away

(The skies above are clear again)

Shout hallelujah

So let's sing a song

And just get happy of cheer again

Happy times, happy times

Happy nights, happy nights

Happy days are here again

Reflections

Without getting too deep into the topic, the ten year anniversary of 9/11/01 gave me pause, for various reasons and on various levels.  I found myself watching way too many YouTube videos and news stories about anniversary observances, and archival images and footage from the 2001.  Seeing the family members talk about their loved ones and their loss, brought Tim's passing sharply into focus once a again.  The loss of a loved one, no mater the circumstances of their death, is hard and is something one never truly gets over.  Not that getting over it is truly possible, as its not getting over  a loss, but rather is learning to live with the loss, to move forward.  Time may help take some of the edge of of the hurt, but it never heals all wounds.  That is a nice sentiment, that while cliche, does if nothing helps people cope and get through the days, months, years after a loss.

I spent a lot of time this past weekend reflecting on Tim, our time together and his passing.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, this time of year is a time for remembrance. I know that each passing day is getting closer to December 31st, and while some days that really weighs on my mind, other days it promotes happy moments.  I know that each day will bring good, bad and in between moments, moments I will deal with when and as they come.  I am prepared as much as one can be to live with these moments, and all the emotions that go with them 

I do miss his voice, his laugh , his touch.  I do have three voice mail message from November that I was able to copy to my laptop, so I do have his voice, which is a source of comfort. He had a good laugh, a laugh to go with his wit and self depreciating humor.  I wish I had that to listen too again and again, but  sadly I do not.  His touch, well that can't be saved and played back, so I am left with just the visual images of his holding my hand, him lying next to me.  His hands were somewhat rough, but they felt comforting and I could find solace in them. Being able to feel his wedding ring when I held his hand , is something I will always remember and miss terribly. 

This was not quite what I imagined I would be posting but, this what came out.  I don't think I need a topic per sec when I am posting, but lately I really haven't know what to write, or what I wanted to say. I do want this blog to evolve and be become more.  Now what that evolution will entail, I am not sure, but I have a few ideas of times I want to include and add, and see this blog to be about not only my journey through grief but also abut my life and all that that is. 

I guess this blog and my life are open, its like starting over, the pages blank, the future open and unwritten, it only takes that first word to get started......

Forgetting to remember

The past few weeks as I have mentioned previously, I have been finding myself thinking of Tim a lot.  Seeing the back to school sales reminds me that school is starting once again, this being the first full school year were he won't be teaching.  The calendar is reminding me that it is almost Fall, his favorite season.  The tree across the street was always his favorite, as it turns the most vibrant shade of orange.

Fall means Halloween, a holiday he so enjoyed decorating for, decorations that were a bit too creepy/gross for my taste.  He had cut out what seemed like hundreds, of black bats that he stuck to the ceiling.  He had rats and bugs and severed limbs and spiders everywhere.  Halloween meant that he would be getting Salem's Lot from the library again. He would listen to this  as he (us on the weekends) went to bed at night.   I may not have head it all from beginning to end, but I heard enough to know how it ends and to avoid small New England towns. Fall also means Thanksgiving, and the remembering of our first and last Thanksgiving together (he usually went home and I went to a friend's) at his parents house, eight days before he went to the hospital (12/02). 

Each passing day and month gets closer and closer to not only Christmas but New Years Eve.  Christmas was his holiday, he decorated every inch of his condo, with garland, bows, nutcrackers, ornaments, nativity scenes (he always had a huge Nativity scene in front of the TV, with enough animals for 5 arks), lights, festive candle rings, etc.  I will miss not having at least 25 presents or more to wrap for him this year.  I always joked that I felt like I was in a  wrapping paper sweat shop due to the number of presents I had to wrap. ( I had the paper cuts to prove it).  We would watch the various black and white versions of Scrooge (Alister Simms' version was his favorite) over and over again. I usually begged for anything else by the third viewing.  I am not sure I could get through them now, and probably won't watch them for a very long time if I do.

I know that for now at least, I really won't be celebrating Christmas.  I won't necessarily be skipping Christmas, but I will not be openly celebrating it either.  I will give gifts but really I don't want any and won't be decorating for it either.  I just want to get through this holiday season with minimal celebration and remembrance.  I really just need a Christmas of not celebrating to get back in the mood of celebrating.  I just don't feel the need to openly embrace the holiday season this year.  I am not depressed about it, I just am not really in the mood for it.

I won't comment on New Years Eve yet, as I am not sure how  want to spend that day or that evening.  I am not really looking forward to remembering that day right now anyway.  I just want t get through December the best I can.  I am not thinking it will be easy or  hard or a good or bad month, I am just hoping right now to get through it.  It will be what it will be I guess.

I guess this post can be about forgetting to remember or remembering to forget.    Some memories I enjoy remembering and others I would choose to forget.  I try to keep busy enough to not remember, but then again also try and remember at least the happy moments.  This is not easy to do and at times is down right hard to do.  I am trying to take it as it comes and do try to at least acknowledge my feelings and let them play out.    One can only  remember the past, get through the present and hope for the future.

Courage

Tonight, I went with Sharon to see the movie, The Help. This movie, based on the book of the same title, for those that may not know is,  "A 1960s-era Mississippi debutante sends her community into an uproar by conducting a series of probing interviews with the black servants behind some of her community's most prominent familiesI had heard good reviews of this movie. (MSN Entertainment) It is also about personal courage, doing the right thing and being true to ones self. 

The fact that people were thought of by many as just the help and then not treated very well, is very sad and disturbing.  That people lived under those conditions and then found the courage to stand up ad say enough is enough is encouraging and uplifting.  The movie helped to show how people find it with in themselves to learn who they are and to be a better person for this new found self awareness.

This movie, surprisingly fits well into this weekend here in Madison.  This weekend is Capital Pride, a celebration of equality and diversity in Madison.  The movie and Pride, bot highlight the struggle and courage one needs to be self aware, and personal freedom.  Today's acceptance was won by those who scarified their lives and personal freedoms, and took a stand to say in their loudest voice, that i am a person and I deserve to be treated equally for I am a person, just like you. 

This may be a bit soap boxy, but it is refreshing to see a positive story, an uplifting story, about personal courage.  I have yet to read the book, but based on what i saw of the movie, they had a great story to start with.  The movie had its funny parts and its sad parts.  I wont give anything away here, so you will have to read the book and or see the movie.  I surprisingly didn't cry, as I tend to do anytime there is a sad part in a movie.  I did laugh though, and was deeply touched by some scenes.  The actresses did a wonderful job portraying these characters.  I felt as though I knew them and felt for them, and that is a lot to achieve in two hours.  Kudos to everyone who helped bring about the book and the movie. 

I left feeling a bit, well uplifted.  I don't feel like I could set the world on fire, but I did fell better about myself.  I fell a bit more empowered and happy for being myself.  Granted, I am a  work in progress, but I was reminded that courage comes in many forms and is within all  of us.  We just need to be true to ourselves and let our courage shine through. 



Ready to take a chance again

I had  a post almost completed a few days ago , and somehow managed to screw it up and it wasn't posted or saved.  The first post looked pretty good so my hope is that this one will as well.

I, until a few weeks ago, was in a good place emotionally.  I had gotten through the closing of the condo, the burial of the ashes, Tim's birthday and our wedding anniversary, all within the space of a few weeks.  Things seemed to be going pretty, until a few weeks a go, when I noticed my irritability increasing, I was becoming very impatience with everything and everybody.  I was tired and basically crabby, and was having trouble sleeping through the night.  I did my best to get through the days as best I could, but it was getting harder with each passing day.

I ended up going back to see my therapist, and am working on his recommendation of Mindfulness.  I have been reading some books on the topic and am trying to see how to include it in my daily life. I  picked up were I left off in The Happiness Project and am writing in my journal again. have also joined a MeetUp book club here in Madison that meets once a month. I am still toying with the idea of taking a class as well, but so far have not found anything of interest yet. All of these are helping along with trying to establish a more structured daily/weekly/monthly routine.

 I have no real structure and without it I am feeling a bit drift less and somewhat without purpose. I am dealing with being alone and not having the kind of companionship I would like right now, but its this lack of purpose or direction that I am truly struggling with.  I was pretty much coasting from the 'high" of the time consuming, busy work on Tim's estate, the clearing of the condo, etc.  That "high' has worn off and now I am struggling to find a purpose a direction, a structure , a routine. I would like some of this by the end of the year as  I don't want to go into December without something to distract, preoccupy, or to busy myself with.  Having structure and a routine will help get through the holidays and the anniversary of his death.

All of this activity and attempts to find purpose remind me of how I ended my last post, saying how I was Ready to Take a Chance Again, finding inspiration from another of Barry Manilow's songs.  This song may not totally relate to my situation but its theme does, being taking ready to take a chance, a new direction, etc.   This chance and how I take it will be an interesting change, a change I am looking forward to.  I close once again with the words of Barry Manilow.



Ready to Take a Chance Again

You remind me I live in a shell,
Safe from the past,
and doing' okay,
but not very well.
No jolts, no surprises,
No crisis arises:
My life goes along as it should,
it's all very nice,
but not very good.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,
Ready to put my love on the line with you.
Been living with nothing to show for it;
You get what you get when you go for it,
And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.
When she left me in all my despair,
I just held on,
My hopes were all gone.
Then I found you there.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again
Ready To Take A Chance Again with you,
With you.

Road trip

Today, Sunday, I drove the two hours to visit Tim's grave as the headstone is now placed.  I had seen the plan for the headstone and his family had pretty much honored my wishes on content.  They did a very good job picking out the color and the stone type, and it was done withing the two months promised by the headstone maker.

I had to clean off some bird poop but otherwise the marker was very nice.  I sat next to the marker and played a little ABBA music on my phone while we had a conversation.  It was a warm and sunny day with a slight breeze which made sitting comfortable.  I took pictures, one I hope to add either to this post or separately to the blog.   The flowers I placed in June were still there and looked nice.  I will probably go again in October and put switch out the summer flowers for Christmas flowers.  I also hope to find a solar powered glowing Christmas tree light to leave as well. 

Tim was a Christmas "junkie", loving anything and everything to do with the holiday.  He, as I addressed in my last post, was responsible for bringing me out of my indifference for the holiday.  I used to love Christmas when I was home, always looking forward to helping Mom decorate and make cookies and candies.  Prior to Tim I really wasn't that into the holiday, while not Scrooge I just wasn't happy about the hassle, the fact that the holiday season started in October, and the money that was spent.  This year I think I will say no to gifts for myself, and only give the minimum gifts and no Christmas cards.

I think that I will only be going to the grave a few times a year, around our anniversary or his birthday and once in the fall.  It is not a bad reflection on me, it is a long haul, four hours round trip, too much gas and honestly, I can remember him without having to visit his grave site.  I know he would understand that and would honestly tell me to not bother.  It is my own sense of responsibility and maybe guilt that makes me go.  A grave should have some sort of flowers or something to show someone cares, so if nothing else I will go at least once a year and visit.  I go with my Mom and maybe a sibling to place flowers at the Grandparents grave and those of Great and Great Grate grandparents every Memorial Day weekend.  My grandpa used to do this by himself for years, and the last 3 years of his life, I used to drive him.  This is something I enjoy doing and honestly am glad to do it.

Now that the grave has a marker and his ashes have been buried, I feel a sense of closure and composure.  This was something that had to be done and is now done and I can move on.  I still have a few things to do in regards to the estate, but otherwise, the must do or need to do things are done.  I can now focus on trying to get on with my life, honoring his memory in my own way and on my own terms.  Life needs to be lived and its time to try and do that better.

Here is a Hebrew proverb that I think is appropriate:

Say not in grief: "He is no more", but live in thankfulness that he was.

Can't smile without you...

For the longest time I thought Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You was a uplifting , positive song.  Now for some it may be but for me now it is a bit sadder.  While yes there are many positives listed in the song, it is or is for me a song about loss.  The opening verse: 

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything

explains how I feel some days.  Recently, and I have mentioned this in a previous post, I have been thinking of Tim a lot lately.  This while not surprising, is something I wasn't doing as much recently. this is not to say I forgot about him or that he didn't cross my mind, its just that it is happening more frequently lately.  I have been rather, well I am not sure how to describe how I have been feeling.  Sometimes, a little sad, sometimes a lot sad and other times happy. These sad moments in part are due to my doing something or going somewhere and thinking that Tim would have liked this or if Tim were he he would buy that or maybe I should buy that for him, or I would have bought that for him.  This is only made worse by the feeling that comes with doing these things alone and without his company.  Carrying on is one thing but having to carry on with the sometimes added weight of memories, is some days almost impossible.

Now it is not all sad memories, there are many happy, smile inducing memories or moments as well.  Every time I use a self check out aisle, especially in a grocery store, I almost chuckle.  The self check out aisle was one of our first fights, he having never used them, wasn't doing it right and I was getting frustrated as I by then was pretty apt at them.  Needless to say we laughed about it later, and form then on if we used a self check out I did the checking out.  A song will come on the radio and I will remember how much he liked it and how much I didn't but that I let him listen too it anyway.

Every day is not all bad nor all good, especially lately.  I guess even though I have a few things to keep me busy, work, exercise, biking, reading, it still isn't always enough.  It doesn't help that the year is just flying by, and we are now five months from Christmas.  Maybe I am being too pessimistic, but  am not really looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was in a "oh yeah its Christmas again, and I don't really care" mood for a few years before Tim and was just getting out of that feeling before last Christmas.  Well I think it will be a while before Christmas holds any special meaning or provides cause to celebrate.

I guess over all I just need to get through this as best I can and hope for the best.  As I am fond of saying, it is what it is.  I can't change the past and can't predict the future, so the present is all I have.  I may not be able to smile without you right now, but I am working on being ..."Ready to take a chance again."

Can't Smile Without You

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brighten my day
Who would of believed that you where part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I’m finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you’re glad
I feel sad when you’re sad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

Now what..

I thought that maybe I was ready to at least make new friends, gay male friends, specifically someone from Madison.  This way I would have something to do and someone to do things with.    I met some nice people, but for various reasons, it never worked out.  I wasn't asking for a whole lot really, again just someone to hang with, maybe see a movie with, etc, etc... some companionship, that's all.  Well I have taken a step back from this and am working on being happy doing things solo.  I fortunately am one of those people who will go out and dine by themselves or see a movie by themselves.  Would it be nice sometimes to have someone to do this with, sure, but again I don't mind doing it by myself sometimes and if I have to.

Now I at one point thought that hey if I meet someone and it progresses beyond friendship eventually that would be fine.  Now is that to say I am actively seeking a friend that I hope will be more, the answer would be no. I am leaving myself open to anything now, if someone comes along great, if not that's fine too.  Fate can be a fickle mistress..  had i not decided to place that personal add in the Isthmus and if Tim hadn't decided to pick up the isthmus that last week in February, we would never had met.  That is why I am leaving myself open to the possibility of friendships or maybe more. 

I have always had this rather romantic idea that i would meet Mr. Right at a coffee shop or a book store.  I would catch the look of someone in line or in the coffee shop and he (i am too much of a coward to walk up to them - although i am working on that) and we start talking and hit it off right away.  This or I am reading the last store copy of a book that he was interested in..conversation ensues and we live happily ever after.  I have been watching way too many sappy romantic movies or reading one too many sappy romance stories (gay and no-gay).  I may be a hopeless romantic, and while I don't want to totally loose that part f my self, I am also  becoming more of a realist and can see that this really doesn't happen all that often. Besides, and I can totally relate to women on this, men, gay or straight, can be and surprisingly in more numbers than I thought possible, jerks.  Jerk was my polite term, and I will leave it at that for now.  I think in part the term doesn't need any future explanation.

So back to my situation.. I do have someone I have met a few times and we currently meet at Concerts on the Square (with his friend).  This is a Wednesday evening meeting, we all have a few drinks, listen to the concert then go to the Shamrock for a drink as well.  I usually make a night of it, going to eat at the Old Fashioned then meet them for a beer at the Concert.  Not sure how this will continue once the Concerts season is over the first week in August.  For now it is something I look forward to once a week and the company is nice.  This I hope will be an ongoing friendship, but again I cautiously am waiting to see what happens.

Now what was the title of this posting because I am not sure where to go or what to do..  Now if only I had a Rhett to tell me They don't give a dam and that would push me to be strong and be independent ....ok a bit dramatic Scarlett.. anyway I just need to be happy with myself and be happy with doing things solo right now.  The past is past and the future unwritten, so all I have is the here and now and I need to deal with that now.  I have said this before and it really is true.  It is what it is.   You can deal with that truth or choose to ignore it, but ignoring it never works in the end anyway.

Directions

I have been feeling adrift or directionless lately, not knowing where to go or what to do with my life.  I have really been doing a whole lot of nothing, trying to find things to occupy my free time, which I have in spades.  Before, with Tim, my weekends were structured: breakfast, laundry, shopping, grocery store, coffee with friends on Sunday. I had the rest of the week to do other things, things I enjoyed which were treats not space fillers, like reading for example.  Now the things I used to enjoy are not enjoyable, as they seem more like tasks and not treats.

I was taking to surfing the net or chatting with others, all mindless activities and not real productive uses of time.  I need to find things that give my life structure; meaning; purpose; fun; fulfillment.  This may seem like a lot to ask, but really these activities can meet or satisfy all or some of these requirements.  I used to think that doing nothing was doing something, but after a while nothing is just that, nothing.  This need for structure, fulfillment, etc., has itself taken up some time, as I have been thinking really hard what I could do that would help me meet these requirements.

I have thought and am still looking into this, but maybe I should take the bull by the horns and enroll in the Culinary Arts program at MATC(Madison College).  I have always talked about doing this, yet here I am years later and I am still dithering about it.  I can make the time and if I take one class a semester, I can afford it as well.  I have also been toying with the idea of getting a bike. A bike will get me out and about and is great exercise.  I currently walk now and do exercise, but this would open up a whole new area of exercise.  I do enjoy being outside, and being on a bike would help get me out of my head sometimes.  A nice open stretch of trail and I can zone out, taking in the beauty of my surroundings and just breathing.  I do think see the bike being a reality very soon.

Now as for purpose or fulfilment, I have been struggling with this a lot.  It was, and still is too some degree important for me to be in a relationship.  I felt that a relationship completed me, and while some level it may have, it really doesn't complete me.  I am my own person, regardless of my relationship status.  I think I felt this way because I never felt accepted or that I was liked by others.  This thanks to being the subject of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my fellow elementary school class mates. 

Being the fat country/farm kid made me an easy target.  When I did find someone who liked me or showed interest in me, i felt liked and completed, the void left form my childhood now filled.  Was this a healthy thing, no not really. If one has to rely on another for total acceptance and fulfillment, they will be let down.  Now this let down is not necessarily on purpose, people grow apart, friendships come and go, people move and people die.  I have been working my way through these issues and am now more comfortable with the fact that while a relationship is nice, it is not a necessity nor is it a requirement now.  I am leaving myself open to a relationship, but I am not actively seeking one nor do I see it as a key source of purpose or fulfillment.

My soul searching and feeling of being adrift, was prompted by Tim's death.  Mortality is a bitch and it has one hell of a wake up call.  Tim fulfilled so many things for me, from love to structure.  His death made me reflect on my own mortality and take stock of my own life.  Where am I, where do I want to be, have I done what I wanted or done enough. These questions and others have been preoccupying me as of late, and may never be totally answered.  I think that if I could answer all of those questions,  I would have found the meaning of life, and while we may get close to a meaning, it is something we will never know as it is always in flux, alwways changing.  Life is ever evolving and changing, and that is what defines us: our ability to deal with and live with this change and evolution.