2nd Wedding Anniversary

     Today is our second wedding anniversary. I find it hard to believe it  has only been two years, it has felt like so much longer.  I have been feeling out of sorts as of late, having so many feelings overlaying the feeling of sadness that I have been struggling to control or better yet, come to terms with.  I know some of this has been because of the anniversary and his birthday earlier this month.
 
     I discussed this with my therapist, and among the things we discussed was how I defined myself.  I am not the boyfriend, I am not the the husband but I am the widow.  Couple this with , the statement that I was married, and I now understood the underlying feeling of sadness.  Using the past tense, putting into words that which I had been trying so hard no too, was very upsetting.  Vocalizing the past tense, was married, while true, didn't make it easier.  It has been easier since stating it out loud, I do feel as though a weight has been lifted. 

     Was, now allows me the continue the process of moving on and helps with the closure process.  While I will never reach complete closure, as he will always be a part of me, it does bring closure a bit closer. I am glad that he will always be a part of me, and that I know he will always be with me.  For it is in he knowing that he will always be there that I can continue to live my life, and move on. The heart is a wonderful invention for it helps so much when we experience a loss. To me , the heart is the final resting place of those we love.  While we will always have memories, it is the heart that remembers our love for the one we have lost.

     The next thing I am now better prepared to do, is to take off the wedding ring.  Until I was able to state that I was married, this would not have been possible.  Now this is not to say that it won't be hard, but I know that I will now be able to do it when the time comes. This will allow me to move on and maybe start anew with someone else. 

Well this wasn't quite the post I had envisioned, but I think it expressed what I have been feeling as of late. I am not sure when or what I will post, but I know I will post something. 

Happy Anniversary, Tim. 
I love you.
      

I wasn't really planning on adding anything, believing that I was "done" in January,  the mood has struck me again.  I have been thinking of Tim lately, as his birthday is coming in a few weeks (June 3rd). I think another reason has been my attempts at dating.  Suffice it to say the dating is not going as hoped .

Both things, his pending birthday and the dating, have caused me to reflect on why I am here and what my dating represents.  I am here because he is gone, and I am left to live on.  Dating reflects my current single status and my hopes for companionship.  I am and have been in a good place regarding his being gone.  I have accepted the reality of his passing and my reactions to it.  While I still miss him and think of him often, I also know I need to also move on with my life.  Dating seems like the right thing to do, even though it may not and has not been working out as I would like.

Now it has proven, and to be honest I need to proof to this fact, that it is far easier to 'get a little" than it is  to meet someone you would like to date.  While I am not above reproach and have 'gotten a little", I would rather have someone to spend time with, to date and hopefully to have  a relationship with. I have had nice date recently, but know that this will not go beyond the occasional cup of coffee or lunch and phone call. I am glad for the date experience, as it has been a long time since I have dated, and the "practice" has been nice.

 I think that I was putting a bit too much on this date, and its success.  We hit it off very well and talked via email and text quite extensively over the course of six weeks. We have met a few times and each meeting has been fun and entertaining.  But, and in most cases there always is one, the good times came to an end.  The communication slowed to a trickle and then stopped all together.  When we did speak again I asked if there was something I should be doing or that I wasn't doing and was told that he needed to go slow due to being burned in the past.  Well we evidently had different ideas of what slow means.  I believe his definition is glacial in nature while mine is more snail or tortoise in nature. 

I will hang out and as stated before, meet for coffee or lunch and the occasional phone call, but that truly is all I am  expecting.  I will move on and wade into the dating pool again.  I have been trying to tell myself that this go around, I will let the relationship come to me and not actively pursue it.  With Tim, I was actively looking for a relationship and lucked into one.  This time I will try the "I am not really looking so that way one (relationship) will come along" approach. 

Here's to hope or is it optimism? Or is it more like here's to chance or fate, Well regardless I will solider on and let what happens happen. (unless after a reasonable amount of time I again actively pursue a relationship- and hope for a second lightning strike.)

A door closes and a window opens...

I apologize for not noting for a while.  It was not for lack of time, just a lack of anything to write about.   I have been thinking a lot lately about this blog and how I want to proceed with it.  When I started it, it was in part due to lack of gay grief sites and as a way to express my grief.  It was hoped that it would be helpful to others who were going through the same thing, and I believe it has accomplished that.  I hope it will continue to help others, and let others know that they are not alone in their grief and pain.

I think I will stop blogging for the foreseeable future.  It is not that my journey is done but I feel that I am in a good place now and that I truly don't have anything more to share.  This blogging experience has been so beneficial to me and has helped me in so many ways.  While it may have stared with tears, it ends with, well a smile.  A smile in the knowledge that I have grown through this experience and am now in a place with happy memories.  The storm clouds that surrounded me for so long has now gone away and the sky is once again clear. 

I will continue to check the blog and will be able to see any comments as they come to an email I access all the time. I want those who read this who have experienced loss, that the journey will have its ups and downs, and may seem that the light at the end of the tunnel is never coming, but trust me it truly does get better.  Hang in there and know that you are not alone and you are embraced and supported by myself and by everyone else who has suffered a loss.


All the best and all my love.  Thank you

12/31/11

The day has finally arrived, it is now one year since Tim's passing.  A year ago around this time (7:30) I was at the hospital visiting him, along with his niece Tracy and a friend of his. I would end up going home for the evening around 8:20, going home to laundry and other chores. 

I was down stairs getting clothes from the dryer and missed the hospital calling. Th voice mail told me to call the hospital right away.  My heart fell to my stomach at that moment, as a ting of fear washed over me.  I took a deep breath and called back,  the Dr. explained that Tim had suffered a massive stroke/heart attack. They were resuscitating him for almost 20 minutes, when the realized they had to call his medical power of attorney, his brother Pete,  who informed them of Tim's wishes to not be resuscitated.  She tells me that he died at 10:37.  I was in a state of utter shock, and I believe I said No! and then said Fuck..words were hard to get out and even think of at this moment.  She asked if I needed a cab called and I momentarily was able to pull it all together and say no and that I was on my way.  More swearing as I frantically changed clothes, I made a call to Sharon to see if she could come to the hospital.  She was in Waukesha and while would come if needed, suggested I call Rod & Jimmy as they were closer (Janesville).  I called and Rod answered, and through tears I explained that Tim had died and thankfully he took over the conversation, asking if I wanted them to come up.  I said yes.

I was able to get changed, and thankfully my, what I call auto pilot kicked in and helped me pull it together to function enough to drive to the hospital, get past security, into the elevator and to his room.  I was meet by his nurses, who gave me a hug and let me into the room.  From that moment on, I was a crying basket case.  I had over an hour and a half alone with Tim, before Rod and Jimmy got to the hospital.  I cried and cried and just paced and paced, only sitting when I felt like I would just collapse.  I have never shed so many tears in my life up to that point, and while I would like to say I won't ever again, I know I will.

I was able to hold his hand, which and this is what finally got me to leave, his hand was still warm but by stated getting cold.  I couldn't stay after that started happening, so as part of my goodbye I kissed him and kissed his hand one more time.  I was glad to have had that time with him, as I know it helped me with saying goodbye.

It does seem so surreal those moments, especially those right after finding out he had died, and it still amazes me I did it.  It is amazing the way the mind and body can take work together to allow you to work though and get done what needs to be done.  That I wasn't collapsed on the floor in a puddle of my own tears, incapacitated by grief, is a testament to the body's auto pilot as I call it.  Mind numbing pain and grief and soul crushing anguish is perhaps the best way to describe what I felt those moments, days and months after his death.  It was the support of friends and family that helped me get those first days and then every day after.  I honesty have no idea how I would have got through all of this with out all of them

If someone had told me in January that I would be able to get through 12/31, I would have said they were crazy.  But here it is 12/31 and I am ding ok.  What ever I feel  feel, and however i react is fine.  I am not anxious about how I will fell nor do I feel guilty that I am not crying right or inconsolable.  I am grieving as I should, in my own way and in the manner I choose.

I have taken time today to reflect on the day and on Tim.  I am truly happy for having been a part of his life and he a part of mine.  While our time together was short, it is time I wouldn't trade fr anything and would glady do over, even though I know the outcome.  I found love and and so thankful for that.   Tim will always have a special place in my heart, filled with his love and my memories. 

I love you Tim.

So far...

Well here we are now, it is December.  I can't believe how fast the past 12 months have gone. The past 12 months have at times been a whirlwind, in speed of passing and in emotions and feelings.  There was only the smallest speck of light at the long tunnel I was facing in January.  Having made it closer too the end of that tunnel, at times feels like nothing short of a miracle.  As I have said in the past, while I would in no way have sought this grief and the the raw emotions that go hand in hand with it, I am glad for the journey that brought me to grief's doorstep.  To have had anytime with him (and the loss felt after his passing) was better than never having had anytime with him. 

While the days are still filled with memories and daily reminders of him, the days are better now then 12 months ago.  The month has other significant days besides the 31st, but the first one passed rather well.  The 2nd was the day he went into the hospital.  The 10th was the stroke and surgery then there is/was Christmas.  Last Christmas was so, well at least for me, surreal.  It was the first time in 41 years I wasn't at home and the first at an Indian restaurant.  I was able to celebrate with friends, so that helped immensely. Now as for the 31st..well now that day is something I am still working on/working out in my head.  I don't know what I want to do that day, but I think I will probably spend it by myself, at least the evening anyway. 

I honestly, as the writing of this post, feel pretty good emotionally.  Now I am still not really "celebrating" Christmas this year.  I am not putting up a tree and am not sending Christmas cards.  Now I will still celebrate with a few friends and family, but on the whole I am just taking a break this year.  I am enjoying shopping for presents for friends and family, but that is really the extent of my Christmas this year.  Next year I will feel more festive and more inclined to "celebrate".  

I will post again soon, I just wanted to give a brief update on the month so far.

Thanksgiving

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am reminded of the things I am thankful for (and some of the things that make me happy) and wanted to share.  After my last post, I wanted something not so dark and anger laced.  Here is what I am thankful for this year (in no order of importance)

Family
Friends
Employment
Grover (cat)
Coffee
Will & Grace
Starbucks Iced coffee with vanilla syrup
Frank Sinatra and his incredible voice
Ibuprofen
My chiropractor
Pink Lady apples
Cherry delight (Mom's best dessert)
Seven & Seven
My godchildren (and their siblings)
Sunshine
A nice spring rain
ABBA
Laughter
Living in Madison
Concerts on the Square
David Sedaris
Movable type (thank you Mr. Gutenberg)
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...
Van Gough
Movies
Bugs Bunny
Oatmeal
Wine
Shopping
Rainbows
Being gay
Pan a chocolat
Lazy Sunday mornings
My health
Warm socks
Blue (the color)
Charlie Brown
Traveling
London
Living in America
Oxygen
Will power
Abbot & Costello movies
A brisk fall day
Fall leaves
Birthdays
Quitting smoking
Losing weight
Sunrises
Sunsets
Quite
Love
Tim
Cleanliness
Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter!!
The perfectly wrapped present
Christmas ornaments
Sa-Bai Thong (Thai Cuisine)
Pad Thai with Shrimp
Pizza
Good looking men
Starbucks (where the barista know my name and drink)
A good meal
Music
The 1980's
College
Kindness
Smiles
Manners
The Macy's Day parade
David Boreanaz
Colin Firth
Reading on the patio on a warm sunny day
The smell of a spring rain and fall leaves
Kisses
Hand holding



I am thankful for so much this year.  Even though this holiday season is a bit darkened by Tim's passing, I am still thankful for so much.  I am thankful for all of my friends and family who have been there through the good and bad of the past year.  They made the past year bearable and even enjoyable.  The words thank  you don't being to cover my appreciation for them and all they have done.  I love all of them and am thankful every day for them.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Hold that anger...

Today was supposed to be a good relaxing day.  Get up, have some coffee and breakfast, watch Sunday Morning on CBS, exercise, and then see a double feature (Sunday Screenings) at the Chazen Museum of Art.   Well the day did start out as planned, coffee, breakfast and CBS.  After that it sort of went a different direction.

 What started out as just taking a few things to the basement, ended up being a cleaning/sorting project.  I went through some VHS tapes and cassette tapes, tossing some, and donating the others.  I  ended up with a box and a bag for Goodwill and a box and bag for Half Priced Books.  I also rearranged my book case, winnowing my collection and changing the location of pictures, and other items on the shelves. The whole  project took me almost three hours. 

I have been very fastidious as of late, almost compulsive with neatness, and organizing and/or arranging.  I know this is my way of keeping busy, staving off boredom and preventing my mind from focusing on some upsetting/unpleasant things. So I have this going on, along with my continued irritability issues.   If I am not busy I tend to get crabby and have a very short fuse when it comes to day to day things. Traffic, the store not having the items I expect it too, the cat, the list goes on and on.

 It also hasn't helped the fast few days that my back has been bothering me again.  Not sure whree that came from as it has been doing so well for so long.  I have also had off and on again dental pain.  The Chiropractor helped and I have an appointment with a  new dentist on Monday.  These two issues at least have been or will be resolved.  That has helped a little but not as much as I would have liked.

So by now, even though I am happy the results of my cleaning and rearranging, I also feel as though I wasted the day and now feel a bit  rushed.  I have to be at the museum by 4:00 to catch the movies, and by now I haven't yet shaved nor gotten ready.  So I am feeling a bit hurried even though I truly do have time..  By time I get downtown, the parking situation didn't work out initially as planned. So by time I get a parking place I am rather irritated.  I ended up parking about half a mile away and have to walk.  The walk helped calm me so by time I arrived for the movies I am much calmer.

The movies were It's a Gift, a 1934 W. C. Fields movie to be followed by Hold That Ghost, a 1941 comedy starring Abbott and Costello.  I had never seen the first one, but the second is one of my favorites.  It is also the movie Tim and I watched on our first date back at his place.  So I have this in the back of my mind while I am watching both movies.  I enjoyed them both, but on the walk back to my car, I started thinking more about Hold that Ghost and my memories associated with it.  This as fist got me a bit down, then and I am ont sure where this came from, but angry, not irritated, but angry. 

I was angry that I had to see this by myself, that it wasn't he and I going. That this movie will always have the memory of Tim associated with it, so every time I see it I will be reminded of him.  Angry that now I am single and lonely again.  I was just so pissed because of all of this.  So by now I was angry with myself for being angry and that this upset me this way.  While anger is part of grief, I was rather surprised as to the degree of my anger, the degree I felt it and the degree to which I assigned it to him.

I was able to calm down and sort of work through it, but now I am rather ashamed of my feeling angry and sad.  Sad that he is gone and I am left with only his memory and my memories of our time together.  I know that all of this has just been simmering right under the surface, and the fact that we are getting closer and closer to some key anniversaries, only adds to and increases my emotions.  Do I want to be this emotional , no. Do I want to just have memories, no, having the real thing would be better.  Do I know I can only have memories, yes.  Will all of this always be on my mind, yes.  I know that one day it won't hurt as much and that will be ok.  I will have memories that I can handle emotionally.  Until then I will have my angry moments, at Tim and others, know that these too will pass and get easier to deal with. 

I am not sure what else to say on this, I just needed to get it all off my chest.  (Miss you and love you honey)