As I have mentioned previously, I have been making progress on Tim's condo, so much so there is an echo now. I have given myself a new goal now, to have everything out by the end of May. The biggest reason for this push, is that the date for the burial of his ashes i, as of this blog, set for June 4th. This will not complete closure is a very importantpart of the closure process. June 4th, is the day after what would have been his 46th birthday and is thankfully before our wedding anniversary. I say thankfully as I really wanted the condo and burial done before that date and it looks as if that is now going to happen. I was also hoping he was buried by then so that come June 26th, I could go to the cemetery and be with him that day.
All of this means of course that there is a lot of work to get done, and there will probably be a lot of emotional issues to deal with as well. I do think that at least until his burial, that I should be distracted enough and busy enough to not get too overwhelmed. granted the day I close and lock his door for the last time is going to be very difficult, but I also now it is a very important part of the grief and closure process.
I have had Tim's ashes at my place since after the funeral so its not like I haven't had him around at least in some capacity. Even this urn at least for me, is not Tim and I think that makes coping easier. I honestly hardly even notice that the urn is here, it is almost background. I have our wedding picture that I can and have focused on, that being more real or feels more like Tim. having said all of this, i am sure that the urn will take on a new meaning at the cemetery.
I will admit that even at the funeral, I didn't feel as though it was Tim I was seeing. Tim or the man I knew as Tim was not in the casket or is now in an urn, for he is around and yet not around. I feel and see him yet don't feel or see him. I am not religious person, as I have more own ideas about the afterlife and how things continue, By saying Tim is all around yet not around, is my way of saying he is a part of me, and a part of us all, even though he is not here physically anymore. we each carry Tim with us every day each in our own special way.
I am somewhat glad I will be busy this month as the distractions will help I am sure, help get me through the next few weeks. This I know to all be part of the grieving process, and that there will be some closure. The condo will be closed, Tim's ahes will be buried and his birthday will have come as well. All of these are important steps and while they are necessary , it of course doesn't make them easy, it just makes them easier to live with.
