There was a scene in the movie, where the main character Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who has a rare form of cancer, has a slight meltdown the day before surgery to remove the cancer. He tells his therapist that he is "tired of being sick". This struck a nerve as this is the very thing Tim had said a few times, the most memorable was about a month before he went to the hospital. He had been having cluster migraines and this was the day after a particularly bad spell. He started crying and repeated a few times that he was tired of being sick. I did my best to comfort him but words and hugs can only do so much. Throughout the whole surgery montage, I was tearing up. This just brought my thoughts of Tim to the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day.
As I said in my last blog about mending my broken heart, this has been a rather rough week emotionally for me. I was in a relative happy place there for a while but I think those days may have gone for a while, but I know they will come back. These feelings of emotional frailty or susceptibility to tears has been just below the emotional surface for a few weeks now. Most days are fine in that I go to work, function, laugh, have happy thoughts...normal every day stuff, but like I said, emotional frailty is right their by my side. I know it will get better, I tell myself that everyday. I know that time will heal the wound of his loss, but that wound will never leave, I will just be better able to deal with it.
There is a song that in part relates to my feelings tonight as i write this blog, it is perhaps one of the most touching songs I know:
The Dance
Garth Brooks
| Lookin' back on the memories of the dance we shared beneath the stars above. For a moment, all the world was right. How could I've known that you'd ever say 'good bye?' And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Holdin' you, I've held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the king? But if I'd only known how the king would fall, Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all. And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Yes, my life is better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance.
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