I Miss

I Miss

Holding your hand
Hearing the rhythmic thump thump of your heart valve
The sound of your voice
Your laugh
The scent of your cologne
The roughness of your unshaven face against mine
Your humor
Your laugh
Laying together on the couch watching a movie
Your smile
The happiness you expressed with your eyes
Talking with you
Waking up next to you
Our lazy donuts and coffee Sundays
Seeing you
Antiquing with you (even though I was bored 10 minutes in)
Hugging you
Kissing you
The mornings laying in bed laughing and joking
Folding your laundry
Feeling whole
Your stopping and petting every dog
Your kind and polite demeanor
Being able to tell you I love you
You telling me you love me
Your stuffed animals
You always beating me in 500
My always beating you when we played Candy Land
Reading to you
Your snoring
Calling you right after I was done with work
Calling you husband
Spending my life with you
The things I am forgetting to mention

I love you.

I miss you.

Forget me nots

The Journey/ The Dance

Today Tim was very heavy on my mind today.  In part due to the movie I saw today, 50/50 and due to a few conversations with my friend Sharon today while in Chicago for the day (her work sponsors a yearly  Magnificent Mile shopping trip).  Tim had gone with us three years ago, and as we generally go to the same places, I was once again reminded of him.  Seeing shopping bags from the Lego store, driving past the spot we waited for the return bus home and nearly froze to death, the Christmas ornaments at Crate & Barrel, all just a few reminders of him. 

There was a scene in the movie, where the main character Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who has a rare form of cancer, has a slight meltdown the day before surgery to remove the cancer.  He tells his therapist that he is "tired of being sick".  This struck a nerve as this is the very thing Tim had said a few times, the most memorable was about a month before he went to the hospital.  He had been having cluster migraines and this was the day after a particularly bad spell.  He started crying and repeated  a few times that he was tired of being sick.  I did my best to comfort him but words and hugs can only do so much.  Throughout the whole surgery montage, I was tearing up.  This just brought my thoughts of Tim to the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day. 

As I said in my last blog about mending my broken heart, this has been a rather rough week emotionally for me.  I was in a relative happy place there for a while but I think those days may have gone for a while, but I know they will come back.  These feelings of emotional frailty or susceptibility to tears has been just below the emotional surface for a few weeks now. Most days are fine in that I go to work, function, laugh, have happy thoughts...normal every day stuff, but like I said, emotional frailty is right their by my side.   I know it will get better, I tell myself that everyday.  I know that time will heal the wound of his loss, but that wound will never leave, I will just be better able to deal with it.

There is a song that in part relates to my feelings tonight as i write this blog, it is perhaps one of the most touching songs I know:


The Dance
Garth Brooks

Lookin' back on the memories of the dance we shared beneath the stars above. For a moment, all the world was right. How could I've known that you'd ever say 'good bye?' And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Holdin' you, I've held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the king? But if I'd only known how the king would fall, Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all. And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Yes, my life is better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. The journey

How can you mend a broken heart

The Bee Gees wrote this song and while I like their version, I enjoy Al Green's version more.  I have been thinking a lot about broken hearts and the mending of them.  I think in part due to ever so lovely fall weather, my mood has been rather glum.  The two funeral visitation in as many days probably didn't help either.  The sun comes up every day and the world continues to spin, whether you hurt or not.  Life has a funny way of going on that way.

The song basically asks, at least for me it does, how do I mend my broken heart when the world keeps moving on.  The song almost asks this as a rhetorical question, how does a heart mend, how do you stop the sun from shining, what makes the world go round.  Ultimately the singer looks beyond this, realizing again that life goes on and hopefully someone will come along and help mend the heart and live again.  While the realization that life goes on and things will get better, it doesn't always make it easier to get through the day and on to the next.  I know I will mend my heart someday and hopefully find another to love and be loved by.  I just have to keep pushing on, one day after the next until the heart is mended.

I have been thinking of Tim a lot the past few days, and to be honest, crying myself to sleep on a few occasions. The emotions sometimes remind me of the first weeks/months after his death.  I sort of imagined that as the one year anniversary grew closer, I would maybe have days like this.  Some of the memories are happy ones, they are not all sad moments.  The next two months have a lot  of anniversaries, our last Thanksgiving, the day he went to the hospital, the stroke, Christmas, 12/31.  I am not afraid or scared that these days are soon to arrive, I will take it day, each moment as it comes.  Those days may be ok, they may be really sad, but as i have said before, it is what it is (or it will be what it will be). 

I may not have magic wand or the magic lamp to mend my broken heart, and even if i did I am not sure I would use them.  While it may hurt, experiencing this loss and all its facets is not something one should wish away.  It helps one grow as a person and it is part of life, enjoyed or not.  My heart will mend someday and my world will be a better place for having mending it and having whole once again.




How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Bary and Robin Gibb

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

Gone but not gone....

Not really sure what to post here, felt like I should post something but as my emotions and feelings are all over the place, I wasn't sure if I could pull something together.  A dear friend of mine and I were talking the other day and the topic of Tim came up.  They mentioned how it still doesn't seem real that he is gone.  I think this is in part due to the fact it happened so fast and was not really expected.  (Those that knew of his condition knew this day may come sooner than later- just not no soon).  He was only in the hospital for 29 days and was at least in some measure making improvement.  That he came back as much as he did after 3 weeks after the first stroke and surgery is pretty amazing. 

I have days were I don't think about him being gone, as in part I just feel as if he is home at this parents place (when he went there we didn't have the chance to talk much) and that we will be talking again soon.  the other day I was on may way to the store after work and for a moment thought: I need to call Tim while i have a minute before i get to the store.  Of course I had to pause for a second and realize that I couldn't do that.  I have yet to take his phone number off my contacts list on my phone.    That won't happen for a while, I am not any where near being ready for that yet.

As i have mentioned before, as very day passes the anniversary of his death gets closer and there are constant reminders of him all around.  He loved fall and all its colors, especially Sugar maple trees.  He enjoyed Sugar maple across the street from my apartment building.  It alwasy turns the most vibrant of oranges.  He loved Halloween, almost as much as he loved Christmas.  I due try and avoid the Halloween stuff when I am at Walmart, as seeing it I would think about what Tim would have liked and what he might have bought.  There are also some super eager stores that have Christmas stuff already, yet another section to avoid, at least for this year.  My ornament buying will take a holiday this year. 

We I will visit his grave once more this year, hopefully yet this month or early next month.  I will take some Christmas flowers and sit for a bit and talk with him.  I don't go often as it is a 2 hour ride one way, so 4 hours round trip.  Plus I truly can talk to him anywhere which I will do sometimes.  I do want to make sure I take flowers and make sure the marker is clean.  I don't plan on being there on 12/31, that is not part of my plan for that day, at least for now anyway.

Sugar maple near apartment

Birthday

Today is my birthday and I didn't really mark the occasion. I would usually have dinner with friends, but I really didn't feel like that this year.  I did, what has become my normal ritual: sit outside at Starbucks, have a grande Iced coffee with vanilla syrup and read a book or write in the journal. Today I did splurge and had the chocolate grahams, my birthday cake I guess. My friends and family called with birthday greetings and my coworkers got me a card.  Aside from the greetings and cards it was pretty much a regular day.

It is funny how much changes in a year.  A year ago Tim and I were in Dubuque the weekend before by birthday.  We stayed in Dubuque, going to Galena and then driving around the area looking at antique stores.  I remember it was a rather chilly weekend last year, I thought we would both freeze while on the haunted Galena night trolley tour.  We really did enjoy Dubuque have spent the weekend of our wedding there as well.  Tim left the Mystic Casino ahead $200, thanks to the Village People nickel slot machine. (I know go figure - the gays pay or at least reward their own ). 

I think this of course is why in part I didn't really feel like celebrating the birthday this year.  Now in all fairness, after the 40th, I have been sort of blah about my birthday.  This year it really felt like any other day. Maybe by my 45th I will feel like celebrating.  I have said that either by my 45th or on my
45th birthday, I will have a tattoo.  Now said tattoo will be no larger than a half dollar, will be a smiley face and will be on my right shoulder or upper right back area.  No bleeding harts or tribal signs, etc., never cared for that at all.  Piercing my right ear was my "mid-life crisis" or just a late 38th birthday present to myself.  the tattoo by age 45 will mark the close of what ever "mid-life crisis" I may be feeling.

Well not much else to say here regrading my birthday, and my non-celebration, I will part with some sage words (I did use this one before on a friend's birthday card, so yes it does look familiar).

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Jack Benny

Eat, Pray, Love

I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love:  One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I had seen the movie last year and really enjoyed it, and had a friend highly recommend the book. The book is divided into three sections, Eat (Italy), Pray (India) and Love (Indonesia).  I enjoyed Eat, was rather bored with Pray and was mixed about Love.

Eat, was fun, upbeat, and delicious.  Traveling around Italy and Rome sounded exciting, almost intoxicating. Elizabeth described the food and the people, her experiences in such detail and in such a fashion as it made you feel you were there eating the delicacies as well and hanging out with her friends.  I almost wish this section of the book could have gone on for another 200 pages.  I am truly a sucker for a nice travel essay or travel memoir.

 Now in all fairness, the Pray part did have some rather uplifting stuff and it did give me pause on occasion. The real issue for me about this section was that it seemed a bit, well preachy is not exactly the right word.  It was a bit too ethereal, and yes I suppose it should be as it is talking about the spiritual realm, but it was to much for me.  I am not a really religious person, having checked out of the Catholic Church and organized religion as a whole,  a long time ago and have my own beliefs about "God", good and evil, karma, the after life, etc.

Love, well love is pretty much about learning to love others and to let others love you, but at the same time knowing what kind of love is right for you. This is a game of chance, but if one knows who they are this leads to knowing what you like, and what you want for others and a relationship. Love can me messy sure, loving oneself and others can be hard to do, but not impossible and ca be very rewarding on so many levels.

I am glossing over a lot here, and in no way am doing the book justice, but I will say I enjoyed her writing style and the messages found through out the book.  To me, Eat was about enjoying life, sampling it, and sampling it often.  It is important to let go once in a while and enjoy lifer and all its delights with wild abandon. To do nothing and enjoy it, or as the Italians say,  Il bel far niente (the beauty of doing nothing).  Pray was about getting in touch with your self and learning to appreciate how unique you are and that we each have our own spirituality. One should take time to listen to themselves and be comfortable with oneself, for loving oneself goes a long way to leading a life of contentment and hopefully happiness.

Heer are a few things from the book that I rather enjoyed: 

You were given life, it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight

...the appreciation of pleasure can be an anchor of one's humanity

I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you

The last one, was the one I truly enjoyed.  This was something she wrote in a journal that she kept and would often refer back to when she was depressed and dealing with more than she wanted to or could handle.  It I think is the summation of the book, in a nice simple phrase. Love yourself, respect yourself, help yourself and be there for yourself (the rest will fall into place).

All of this is following with my last post about finding the beautiful in life as well as finding the happy.  Sure, some days I am not looking for beauty and am in no way happy, but this is something to aspire to and to work on or work at.  This book helped clarify a few things and gave me hope, the hope and aspiration to find the beauty within myself and within the world around me. 

Happy days

I have had this song in my head off and on again since I heard it online a while ago.  It is Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again, and is actually to borrow from Wikipedia: "Happy Days", in medley with Judy Garland's "Get Happy" (as originally performed in duo by Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland in the 1960s), was used in the 2010 episode Duets of TV show Glee, performed by actors Lea Michele and Chris Colfer.  Ok I will admit, do I watch Glee no, have I seen the video on YouTube, yes.  Does this mean I am now watching Glee no, I still pretty skip most television.  That aside, I do enjoy the combination of these songs.  When I hear either version, Streisand/Garland or Michele/Colfer, I due feel happier.  This song truly does bring a smile to my face and to my heart.

One talks about getting ready for the "promised land" while the other is a message of happiness.  Both are upbeat in their composition, happy Days of course the most upbeat and happy of the two.  I think the song makes me happy as it reminds me that there is happiness out there, and it is attainable. Granted one is about dying and moving on to the afterlife, but it is something one should be happy about as (well now one has to believe in God and heaven , but we won't address that here) you are going to a good place.

The second song tells you to forget your troubles and be happy. That of course is not always an easy thing, for anybody on any given day, and for me more so lately.  But I think it strikes an optimistic chord, a chord I need to gar a hold of and not let go.  I have stated that the past few weeks or so have been a bit hard, not unmanageable, just some days better than others.  I am working on embracing the many positives in my life and trying to see the happiness that is out there in the world. 

I have been taking more pictures lately, trying to capture that which makes me happy, or is beautiful or pretty to me.  I am reading happy books for now and enjoying the endorphins that my exercise provides.  Being able to find the happiness I know is out there isn't easy sure, but the more I work at it the more I realize that it is out there and out there in spades.  One just has to take the time to see it, to breathe it in, to stop and enjoy. 

I will continue in my pursuit of happiness and do my best to find it and cultivate it over the next few months.  With this song as my soundtrack, I have the motivation to find the happy.

Get Happy/ Happy Days Are Here Again

Forget your troubles, happy days

C'mon get happy are here again

You better chase all your cares away

(The skies above are clear again)

Shout hallelujah, so let's sing a song

C'mon get happy of cheer again

Get ready for the judgment day

(Happy days are here again)

The sun is shining, come on get happy

Shout it now there's no one

The lord is waiting to take your hand

Who can, doubt it now

Shout hallelujah, so let's tell the world

And just get happy about it now

We're going to the promise land

(Happy days are here again)

We're heading cross the river

Soon you case when I'll be gone

There'll be no more from now on

From now on

Forget your troubles

Happy days

And just get happy

Are here again

You better chase all your blues away

(The skies above are clear again)

Shout hallelujah

So let's sing a song

And just get happy of cheer again

Happy times, happy times

Happy nights, happy nights

Happy days are here again