Anniversary

Sunday was our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  I knew this day was coming and tried to plan some what accordingly.  I went on vacation or took time off to get away.  I went to Iowa City and stayed at a very nice  B & B.  While there, I wet to a few antique stores to kill some time.  At each one I was reminded of Tim, seeing things I knew he would have liked and or bought.  Just being in the antique shops was a reminder, as he loved these places.  My interest was spent after 10 minutes or a brief walk through, but he could stay for hours and look at everything. 

I have never taken a vacation by myself so it was a bit odd, nice at times but odd.  I did feel alone at times, wishing I had him with me. He would have enjoyed the Old State Capitol and the Hebert Hoover  Presidential Library and Museum. He would have totally enjoyed talking with Ray and Shirley, the owners of the B & B.  He could talk to anyone and loved doing it.  It is odd, eating by yourself and being a solitary tourist.  I did enjoy my vacation and while it was nice to be on my own, it did have its down side as I mentioned before.

On Sunday, I left Iowa City and drove straight to the cemetery in Kanasville.  It took almost 5 hours so I had a lot of time to think.   It was a very nice and sunny day on Sunday, so the cemetery looked very nice.  The maker of the headstone had the footing for it dug out. I think they should have it placed sometime by August.  I took flowers that matched those we used at the wedding.  I cleared a few small sticks off the ground around his burial plot.   Someone had put a solar powered cross that I will light up at night, assuming it will be a white light, but it may glow in colors. 

I placed the flowers off to the side of his grave, and stayed to talk to him for a while.  I had the original wedding ring re-sized and polished for our anniversary.  I wore both of my wedding rings on Sunday.  I wished him happy anniversary and told him how much I missed him and how it still doesn't seem real that he is no longer here.   I would like to say I felt his presence that day at the grave, but I did and didnt'  By that I mean I know he was there with me in some capacity maybe just not in a tangible way.  There was no sudden breeze or butterfly or passing bird, just quite and sun, and that may have actually been him. 

I cried and cried some more, going to the car at one point thinking I was ok to go and realized I wasn't ready so I went back to the grave.  I just stood there, letting my emotions wash over me and at one point felt relief, and knew it was now ok to go.  I kissed my hand and placed it on the grave, said one last good bye and left.  I watched his grave get smaller in the rear view mirror, feeling both a sense of peace and sadness.  This was just one more step on my journey through grief.  This was a  step of remembrance, sadness, peace and of closure.

I end this blog with the lyrics to our wedding song , LOVE by John Lennon:

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you, you and me
Love is knowing we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved


Happy Anniversary Tim.

Wedding rings

Closure

A week ago today, we buried Tim's ashes at the church he attended as a child growing up in Kanasville.  It was a day that was long in coming and, at least for me, the final closure.  I often wondered how that day would play out, and honestly it went better than I had imagined.    I think what has made this easier for me was that it wasn't really Tim.  While yes it was his physical remains, it wasn't his spirit or it wasn't his essence that which made him who he was.  That Tim will always be with me in my thoughts and memories, always remembered for the kind, wickedly funny, caring man that he was. 

The day was hot, but thankfully there was a breeze.  The priest was half an hour late as he forgot he had the burial that day.  I ended up holding the urn throughout the grave side service.  It was  heavy and getting heavier as the service continued.  When it came time to place the urn in the ground, the priest asked me if I wanted to do it or if I would rather he did it.  I let him as I was afraid I might drop it as my arms were "rubbery" from having held it so long.  He placed the urn and let anyone who wanted, sprinkle holy water over the grave. This is something I chose not to do, the family doing it instead.

Prior to the service, I had wanted to take some of the ashes out to spread them in accordance with his wishes.  Unfortunately I was unable to get the urn opened.  I had planned on placing a small mini bottle of alcohol and  two cigarettes inside.  After Tim had his initial stroke six years ago and the surgery after, he wasn't really able to drink anymore.  He smoked the occasional cigarette, which I used to joking tell him, that I didn't mind just as long as he only bummed no ore than two at anyone time. 

Not being able to put these items in the urn we, his cousin, a niece, myself and his friend, waited until the rest of the family was gone we had our own small service.  I poured the Sky vodka over the urn and I dropped in two cigarettes.  I threw some dirt over the urn and wished him well.  I thought it was a nice touch as now he could drink what he wanted and smoke what he wanted, or a least two cigarettes.

I really wasn't emotional that day, and that really doesn't bother me.  I thought I might get e bit choked up, but the fact that I didn't is ok too.  I am really in a good place right now, not to say i won't pr haven't cried or thought or him often.  I just feel ok about being ok, that I have more happy memories now rather than sad memories.  I am not sure what the future may hold, in regards to how I will deal with our wedding anniversary later this month or the anniversary of his death in December.  I do know that I will deal with them as they come and make the best of them.  If those days mean no-stop crying or reminders of happy moments, then so be it.  I know that I am in a good place now to handle those moments no matter what they mean.

I am glad that this final closure has come to pass.  I can't imagine that it is now over six months since his death, the estate is almost settled, his condo is empty, and we have buried his ashes/  if you had told me 3 months ago that all of this would come to pass, I honestly wouldn't have believed you.  those were dark days and the future from that perspective was just as dark and foreboding.  Grief auto pilot only takes one so far. Getting through each day takes a lot of effort and while at times seems unbearable and impossible to get through, it does get more bearable and the impossible becomes the possible. 

I am reminded of a quote (I forget from where and by who) that sums up this ongoing journey.  "You are a creation with the unbelievable power to weather life's toughest storms."  This is such a powerfully true statement.  Life has its ups and downs, but we truly have the ability to carry on even through the darkest of days and persevere.  While this has been hard, I wouldn't have traded the time I did have with Tim for anything.  I often would tell him two things: I know what I am getting into and am ok with that (in regards to his health issues) and I would rather have 5 years with you than never to have had any time with you.   He was worth every minute and bettered my life in ways I will probably never fully realize.

Long week

I haven't written in a while, in part due to laziness, lack of time and lack of desire.I wanted to comment on a few things that happened this week. I will write more after the burial of his ashes tomorrow, but there were other things from this week that warranted comment.

 I started the week by removing the final items from Tim's condo, and locking the door one last time.  Walking through the empty condo just didn't seem right. I was glad to have the work done, but at the same time sad that I no longer have the one physical connection to him. I will no longer be able to  bitch about no close parking stalls, climbing the two flights of stairs to his place or seeing the front door I knew so well.  I cried as I did one final walk through taking pictures of his now empty condo.  The closing and locking of his door was a closure, a necessary one, yet that doesn't make it any easier.

Tuesday the 31st was the 6 month anniversary of Tim's death.  that day thankfully, for the most part, past relatively easily. I was busy at work so that helped and had a few other things going on, so I was distracted.  It did hit me though later as I was talking to Tim's picture, something I haven't been doing much of lately. I started and crying and kept crying for maybe half an hour or so.  I knew this was building and was due, so this didn't come as too big a surprise to me.

Today would have been Tim's 46th birthday.  I would normally have picked him up after work and gone to a friends place to celebrate, as the friend and he shared a birthday.  I would have made a German chocolate cake with coconut frosting and had gifts as well to take tonight.  This is how we had celebrated his birthday the past few years. I really haven't had  anyway, a Happy Birthday and gave him a kiss.  He really wasn't a big birthday celebrator, always in awe by how much emphasis I placed on my birthday and the planing of its celebration.  I have not really been that into my birthday now that I am on the back side of 40 and once again single.  It for now is just another regular day.

Tomorrow as I stated earlier, is the burial of Tim's ashes in Kansasville.  Jimmy and I are going as I knew I couldn't go alone and I think he wants to go as well.  I am keeping busy by getting things ready so I am again distracted for a while.  I am sure it will be a tear filled and emotional day.  I will take it as it comes, that is all I can do.  This truly is the final act of closure.  I have known this day would come and needed to come.  I did push for it to be earlier than later, and it did correspond with the closing of his condo.

I need this closure no matter how much it might hurt.  I have said my goodbyes before but this will be a final goodbye.  I will continue talking to him of course and visiting him, but this burial will be the last major thing that needs to happen.  I will be better able to carry on and to move on now that he will bee laid to rest.  Putting those ashes in the car for the ride to Kanasville will be hard.  It seems as if I was just bringing them here, even though that was almost five months ago.  The time has passed quickly since his death, although some days felt like an eternity.

I will share more after the burial when I am able to.

Tim's front door