Birthday

Today is my birthday and I didn't really mark the occasion. I would usually have dinner with friends, but I really didn't feel like that this year.  I did, what has become my normal ritual: sit outside at Starbucks, have a grande Iced coffee with vanilla syrup and read a book or write in the journal. Today I did splurge and had the chocolate grahams, my birthday cake I guess. My friends and family called with birthday greetings and my coworkers got me a card.  Aside from the greetings and cards it was pretty much a regular day.

It is funny how much changes in a year.  A year ago Tim and I were in Dubuque the weekend before by birthday.  We stayed in Dubuque, going to Galena and then driving around the area looking at antique stores.  I remember it was a rather chilly weekend last year, I thought we would both freeze while on the haunted Galena night trolley tour.  We really did enjoy Dubuque have spent the weekend of our wedding there as well.  Tim left the Mystic Casino ahead $200, thanks to the Village People nickel slot machine. (I know go figure - the gays pay or at least reward their own ). 

I think this of course is why in part I didn't really feel like celebrating the birthday this year.  Now in all fairness, after the 40th, I have been sort of blah about my birthday.  This year it really felt like any other day. Maybe by my 45th I will feel like celebrating.  I have said that either by my 45th or on my
45th birthday, I will have a tattoo.  Now said tattoo will be no larger than a half dollar, will be a smiley face and will be on my right shoulder or upper right back area.  No bleeding harts or tribal signs, etc., never cared for that at all.  Piercing my right ear was my "mid-life crisis" or just a late 38th birthday present to myself.  the tattoo by age 45 will mark the close of what ever "mid-life crisis" I may be feeling.

Well not much else to say here regrading my birthday, and my non-celebration, I will part with some sage words (I did use this one before on a friend's birthday card, so yes it does look familiar).

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Jack Benny

Long week

I haven't written in a while, in part due to laziness, lack of time and lack of desire.I wanted to comment on a few things that happened this week. I will write more after the burial of his ashes tomorrow, but there were other things from this week that warranted comment.

 I started the week by removing the final items from Tim's condo, and locking the door one last time.  Walking through the empty condo just didn't seem right. I was glad to have the work done, but at the same time sad that I no longer have the one physical connection to him. I will no longer be able to  bitch about no close parking stalls, climbing the two flights of stairs to his place or seeing the front door I knew so well.  I cried as I did one final walk through taking pictures of his now empty condo.  The closing and locking of his door was a closure, a necessary one, yet that doesn't make it any easier.

Tuesday the 31st was the 6 month anniversary of Tim's death.  that day thankfully, for the most part, past relatively easily. I was busy at work so that helped and had a few other things going on, so I was distracted.  It did hit me though later as I was talking to Tim's picture, something I haven't been doing much of lately. I started and crying and kept crying for maybe half an hour or so.  I knew this was building and was due, so this didn't come as too big a surprise to me.

Today would have been Tim's 46th birthday.  I would normally have picked him up after work and gone to a friends place to celebrate, as the friend and he shared a birthday.  I would have made a German chocolate cake with coconut frosting and had gifts as well to take tonight.  This is how we had celebrated his birthday the past few years. I really haven't had  anyway, a Happy Birthday and gave him a kiss.  He really wasn't a big birthday celebrator, always in awe by how much emphasis I placed on my birthday and the planing of its celebration.  I have not really been that into my birthday now that I am on the back side of 40 and once again single.  It for now is just another regular day.

Tomorrow as I stated earlier, is the burial of Tim's ashes in Kansasville.  Jimmy and I are going as I knew I couldn't go alone and I think he wants to go as well.  I am keeping busy by getting things ready so I am again distracted for a while.  I am sure it will be a tear filled and emotional day.  I will take it as it comes, that is all I can do.  This truly is the final act of closure.  I have known this day would come and needed to come.  I did push for it to be earlier than later, and it did correspond with the closing of his condo.

I need this closure no matter how much it might hurt.  I have said my goodbyes before but this will be a final goodbye.  I will continue talking to him of course and visiting him, but this burial will be the last major thing that needs to happen.  I will be better able to carry on and to move on now that he will bee laid to rest.  Putting those ashes in the car for the ride to Kanasville will be hard.  It seems as if I was just bringing them here, even though that was almost five months ago.  The time has passed quickly since his death, although some days felt like an eternity.

I will share more after the burial when I am able to.

Tim's front door