Road trip

Today, Sunday, I drove the two hours to visit Tim's grave as the headstone is now placed.  I had seen the plan for the headstone and his family had pretty much honored my wishes on content.  They did a very good job picking out the color and the stone type, and it was done withing the two months promised by the headstone maker.

I had to clean off some bird poop but otherwise the marker was very nice.  I sat next to the marker and played a little ABBA music on my phone while we had a conversation.  It was a warm and sunny day with a slight breeze which made sitting comfortable.  I took pictures, one I hope to add either to this post or separately to the blog.   The flowers I placed in June were still there and looked nice.  I will probably go again in October and put switch out the summer flowers for Christmas flowers.  I also hope to find a solar powered glowing Christmas tree light to leave as well. 

Tim was a Christmas "junkie", loving anything and everything to do with the holiday.  He, as I addressed in my last post, was responsible for bringing me out of my indifference for the holiday.  I used to love Christmas when I was home, always looking forward to helping Mom decorate and make cookies and candies.  Prior to Tim I really wasn't that into the holiday, while not Scrooge I just wasn't happy about the hassle, the fact that the holiday season started in October, and the money that was spent.  This year I think I will say no to gifts for myself, and only give the minimum gifts and no Christmas cards.

I think that I will only be going to the grave a few times a year, around our anniversary or his birthday and once in the fall.  It is not a bad reflection on me, it is a long haul, four hours round trip, too much gas and honestly, I can remember him without having to visit his grave site.  I know he would understand that and would honestly tell me to not bother.  It is my own sense of responsibility and maybe guilt that makes me go.  A grave should have some sort of flowers or something to show someone cares, so if nothing else I will go at least once a year and visit.  I go with my Mom and maybe a sibling to place flowers at the Grandparents grave and those of Great and Great Grate grandparents every Memorial Day weekend.  My grandpa used to do this by himself for years, and the last 3 years of his life, I used to drive him.  This is something I enjoy doing and honestly am glad to do it.

Now that the grave has a marker and his ashes have been buried, I feel a sense of closure and composure.  This was something that had to be done and is now done and I can move on.  I still have a few things to do in regards to the estate, but otherwise, the must do or need to do things are done.  I can now focus on trying to get on with my life, honoring his memory in my own way and on my own terms.  Life needs to be lived and its time to try and do that better.

Here is a Hebrew proverb that I think is appropriate:

Say not in grief: "He is no more", but live in thankfulness that he was.

Can't smile without you...

For the longest time I thought Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You was a uplifting , positive song.  Now for some it may be but for me now it is a bit sadder.  While yes there are many positives listed in the song, it is or is for me a song about loss.  The opening verse: 

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything

explains how I feel some days.  Recently, and I have mentioned this in a previous post, I have been thinking of Tim a lot lately.  This while not surprising, is something I wasn't doing as much recently. this is not to say I forgot about him or that he didn't cross my mind, its just that it is happening more frequently lately.  I have been rather, well I am not sure how to describe how I have been feeling.  Sometimes, a little sad, sometimes a lot sad and other times happy. These sad moments in part are due to my doing something or going somewhere and thinking that Tim would have liked this or if Tim were he he would buy that or maybe I should buy that for him, or I would have bought that for him.  This is only made worse by the feeling that comes with doing these things alone and without his company.  Carrying on is one thing but having to carry on with the sometimes added weight of memories, is some days almost impossible.

Now it is not all sad memories, there are many happy, smile inducing memories or moments as well.  Every time I use a self check out aisle, especially in a grocery store, I almost chuckle.  The self check out aisle was one of our first fights, he having never used them, wasn't doing it right and I was getting frustrated as I by then was pretty apt at them.  Needless to say we laughed about it later, and form then on if we used a self check out I did the checking out.  A song will come on the radio and I will remember how much he liked it and how much I didn't but that I let him listen too it anyway.

Every day is not all bad nor all good, especially lately.  I guess even though I have a few things to keep me busy, work, exercise, biking, reading, it still isn't always enough.  It doesn't help that the year is just flying by, and we are now five months from Christmas.  Maybe I am being too pessimistic, but  am not really looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was in a "oh yeah its Christmas again, and I don't really care" mood for a few years before Tim and was just getting out of that feeling before last Christmas.  Well I think it will be a while before Christmas holds any special meaning or provides cause to celebrate.

I guess over all I just need to get through this as best I can and hope for the best.  As I am fond of saying, it is what it is.  I can't change the past and can't predict the future, so the present is all I have.  I may not be able to smile without you right now, but I am working on being ..."Ready to take a chance again."

Can't Smile Without You

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brighten my day
Who would of believed that you where part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I’m finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you’re glad
I feel sad when you’re sad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

Now what..

I thought that maybe I was ready to at least make new friends, gay male friends, specifically someone from Madison.  This way I would have something to do and someone to do things with.    I met some nice people, but for various reasons, it never worked out.  I wasn't asking for a whole lot really, again just someone to hang with, maybe see a movie with, etc, etc... some companionship, that's all.  Well I have taken a step back from this and am working on being happy doing things solo.  I fortunately am one of those people who will go out and dine by themselves or see a movie by themselves.  Would it be nice sometimes to have someone to do this with, sure, but again I don't mind doing it by myself sometimes and if I have to.

Now I at one point thought that hey if I meet someone and it progresses beyond friendship eventually that would be fine.  Now is that to say I am actively seeking a friend that I hope will be more, the answer would be no. I am leaving myself open to anything now, if someone comes along great, if not that's fine too.  Fate can be a fickle mistress..  had i not decided to place that personal add in the Isthmus and if Tim hadn't decided to pick up the isthmus that last week in February, we would never had met.  That is why I am leaving myself open to the possibility of friendships or maybe more. 

I have always had this rather romantic idea that i would meet Mr. Right at a coffee shop or a book store.  I would catch the look of someone in line or in the coffee shop and he (i am too much of a coward to walk up to them - although i am working on that) and we start talking and hit it off right away.  This or I am reading the last store copy of a book that he was interested in..conversation ensues and we live happily ever after.  I have been watching way too many sappy romantic movies or reading one too many sappy romance stories (gay and no-gay).  I may be a hopeless romantic, and while I don't want to totally loose that part f my self, I am also  becoming more of a realist and can see that this really doesn't happen all that often. Besides, and I can totally relate to women on this, men, gay or straight, can be and surprisingly in more numbers than I thought possible, jerks.  Jerk was my polite term, and I will leave it at that for now.  I think in part the term doesn't need any future explanation.

So back to my situation.. I do have someone I have met a few times and we currently meet at Concerts on the Square (with his friend).  This is a Wednesday evening meeting, we all have a few drinks, listen to the concert then go to the Shamrock for a drink as well.  I usually make a night of it, going to eat at the Old Fashioned then meet them for a beer at the Concert.  Not sure how this will continue once the Concerts season is over the first week in August.  For now it is something I look forward to once a week and the company is nice.  This I hope will be an ongoing friendship, but again I cautiously am waiting to see what happens.

Now what was the title of this posting because I am not sure where to go or what to do..  Now if only I had a Rhett to tell me They don't give a dam and that would push me to be strong and be independent ....ok a bit dramatic Scarlett.. anyway I just need to be happy with myself and be happy with doing things solo right now.  The past is past and the future unwritten, so all I have is the here and now and I need to deal with that now.  I have said this before and it really is true.  It is what it is.   You can deal with that truth or choose to ignore it, but ignoring it never works in the end anyway.

Directions

I have been feeling adrift or directionless lately, not knowing where to go or what to do with my life.  I have really been doing a whole lot of nothing, trying to find things to occupy my free time, which I have in spades.  Before, with Tim, my weekends were structured: breakfast, laundry, shopping, grocery store, coffee with friends on Sunday. I had the rest of the week to do other things, things I enjoyed which were treats not space fillers, like reading for example.  Now the things I used to enjoy are not enjoyable, as they seem more like tasks and not treats.

I was taking to surfing the net or chatting with others, all mindless activities and not real productive uses of time.  I need to find things that give my life structure; meaning; purpose; fun; fulfillment.  This may seem like a lot to ask, but really these activities can meet or satisfy all or some of these requirements.  I used to think that doing nothing was doing something, but after a while nothing is just that, nothing.  This need for structure, fulfillment, etc., has itself taken up some time, as I have been thinking really hard what I could do that would help me meet these requirements.

I have thought and am still looking into this, but maybe I should take the bull by the horns and enroll in the Culinary Arts program at MATC(Madison College).  I have always talked about doing this, yet here I am years later and I am still dithering about it.  I can make the time and if I take one class a semester, I can afford it as well.  I have also been toying with the idea of getting a bike. A bike will get me out and about and is great exercise.  I currently walk now and do exercise, but this would open up a whole new area of exercise.  I do enjoy being outside, and being on a bike would help get me out of my head sometimes.  A nice open stretch of trail and I can zone out, taking in the beauty of my surroundings and just breathing.  I do think see the bike being a reality very soon.

Now as for purpose or fulfilment, I have been struggling with this a lot.  It was, and still is too some degree important for me to be in a relationship.  I felt that a relationship completed me, and while some level it may have, it really doesn't complete me.  I am my own person, regardless of my relationship status.  I think I felt this way because I never felt accepted or that I was liked by others.  This thanks to being the subject of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my fellow elementary school class mates. 

Being the fat country/farm kid made me an easy target.  When I did find someone who liked me or showed interest in me, i felt liked and completed, the void left form my childhood now filled.  Was this a healthy thing, no not really. If one has to rely on another for total acceptance and fulfillment, they will be let down.  Now this let down is not necessarily on purpose, people grow apart, friendships come and go, people move and people die.  I have been working my way through these issues and am now more comfortable with the fact that while a relationship is nice, it is not a necessity nor is it a requirement now.  I am leaving myself open to a relationship, but I am not actively seeking one nor do I see it as a key source of purpose or fulfillment.

My soul searching and feeling of being adrift, was prompted by Tim's death.  Mortality is a bitch and it has one hell of a wake up call.  Tim fulfilled so many things for me, from love to structure.  His death made me reflect on my own mortality and take stock of my own life.  Where am I, where do I want to be, have I done what I wanted or done enough. These questions and others have been preoccupying me as of late, and may never be totally answered.  I think that if I could answer all of those questions,  I would have found the meaning of life, and while we may get close to a meaning, it is something we will never know as it is always in flux, alwways changing.  Life is ever evolving and changing, and that is what defines us: our ability to deal with and live with this change and evolution.