Reflections

Without getting too deep into the topic, the ten year anniversary of 9/11/01 gave me pause, for various reasons and on various levels.  I found myself watching way too many YouTube videos and news stories about anniversary observances, and archival images and footage from the 2001.  Seeing the family members talk about their loved ones and their loss, brought Tim's passing sharply into focus once a again.  The loss of a loved one, no mater the circumstances of their death, is hard and is something one never truly gets over.  Not that getting over it is truly possible, as its not getting over  a loss, but rather is learning to live with the loss, to move forward.  Time may help take some of the edge of of the hurt, but it never heals all wounds.  That is a nice sentiment, that while cliche, does if nothing helps people cope and get through the days, months, years after a loss.

I spent a lot of time this past weekend reflecting on Tim, our time together and his passing.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, this time of year is a time for remembrance. I know that each passing day is getting closer to December 31st, and while some days that really weighs on my mind, other days it promotes happy moments.  I know that each day will bring good, bad and in between moments, moments I will deal with when and as they come.  I am prepared as much as one can be to live with these moments, and all the emotions that go with them 

I do miss his voice, his laugh , his touch.  I do have three voice mail message from November that I was able to copy to my laptop, so I do have his voice, which is a source of comfort. He had a good laugh, a laugh to go with his wit and self depreciating humor.  I wish I had that to listen too again and again, but  sadly I do not.  His touch, well that can't be saved and played back, so I am left with just the visual images of his holding my hand, him lying next to me.  His hands were somewhat rough, but they felt comforting and I could find solace in them. Being able to feel his wedding ring when I held his hand , is something I will always remember and miss terribly. 

This was not quite what I imagined I would be posting but, this what came out.  I don't think I need a topic per sec when I am posting, but lately I really haven't know what to write, or what I wanted to say. I do want this blog to evolve and be become more.  Now what that evolution will entail, I am not sure, but I have a few ideas of times I want to include and add, and see this blog to be about not only my journey through grief but also abut my life and all that that is. 

I guess this blog and my life are open, its like starting over, the pages blank, the future open and unwritten, it only takes that first word to get started......