Forgetting to remember

The past few weeks as I have mentioned previously, I have been finding myself thinking of Tim a lot.  Seeing the back to school sales reminds me that school is starting once again, this being the first full school year were he won't be teaching.  The calendar is reminding me that it is almost Fall, his favorite season.  The tree across the street was always his favorite, as it turns the most vibrant shade of orange.

Fall means Halloween, a holiday he so enjoyed decorating for, decorations that were a bit too creepy/gross for my taste.  He had cut out what seemed like hundreds, of black bats that he stuck to the ceiling.  He had rats and bugs and severed limbs and spiders everywhere.  Halloween meant that he would be getting Salem's Lot from the library again. He would listen to this  as he (us on the weekends) went to bed at night.   I may not have head it all from beginning to end, but I heard enough to know how it ends and to avoid small New England towns. Fall also means Thanksgiving, and the remembering of our first and last Thanksgiving together (he usually went home and I went to a friend's) at his parents house, eight days before he went to the hospital (12/02). 

Each passing day and month gets closer and closer to not only Christmas but New Years Eve.  Christmas was his holiday, he decorated every inch of his condo, with garland, bows, nutcrackers, ornaments, nativity scenes (he always had a huge Nativity scene in front of the TV, with enough animals for 5 arks), lights, festive candle rings, etc.  I will miss not having at least 25 presents or more to wrap for him this year.  I always joked that I felt like I was in a  wrapping paper sweat shop due to the number of presents I had to wrap. ( I had the paper cuts to prove it).  We would watch the various black and white versions of Scrooge (Alister Simms' version was his favorite) over and over again. I usually begged for anything else by the third viewing.  I am not sure I could get through them now, and probably won't watch them for a very long time if I do.

I know that for now at least, I really won't be celebrating Christmas.  I won't necessarily be skipping Christmas, but I will not be openly celebrating it either.  I will give gifts but really I don't want any and won't be decorating for it either.  I just want to get through this holiday season with minimal celebration and remembrance.  I really just need a Christmas of not celebrating to get back in the mood of celebrating.  I just don't feel the need to openly embrace the holiday season this year.  I am not depressed about it, I just am not really in the mood for it.

I won't comment on New Years Eve yet, as I am not sure how  want to spend that day or that evening.  I am not really looking forward to remembering that day right now anyway.  I just want t get through December the best I can.  I am not thinking it will be easy or  hard or a good or bad month, I am just hoping right now to get through it.  It will be what it will be I guess.

I guess this post can be about forgetting to remember or remembering to forget.    Some memories I enjoy remembering and others I would choose to forget.  I try to keep busy enough to not remember, but then again also try and remember at least the happy moments.  This is not easy to do and at times is down right hard to do.  I am trying to take it as it comes and do try to at least acknowledge my feelings and let them play out.    One can only  remember the past, get through the present and hope for the future.