Ready to take a chance again

I had  a post almost completed a few days ago , and somehow managed to screw it up and it wasn't posted or saved.  The first post looked pretty good so my hope is that this one will as well.

I, until a few weeks ago, was in a good place emotionally.  I had gotten through the closing of the condo, the burial of the ashes, Tim's birthday and our wedding anniversary, all within the space of a few weeks.  Things seemed to be going pretty, until a few weeks a go, when I noticed my irritability increasing, I was becoming very impatience with everything and everybody.  I was tired and basically crabby, and was having trouble sleeping through the night.  I did my best to get through the days as best I could, but it was getting harder with each passing day.

I ended up going back to see my therapist, and am working on his recommendation of Mindfulness.  I have been reading some books on the topic and am trying to see how to include it in my daily life. I  picked up were I left off in The Happiness Project and am writing in my journal again. have also joined a MeetUp book club here in Madison that meets once a month. I am still toying with the idea of taking a class as well, but so far have not found anything of interest yet. All of these are helping along with trying to establish a more structured daily/weekly/monthly routine.

 I have no real structure and without it I am feeling a bit drift less and somewhat without purpose. I am dealing with being alone and not having the kind of companionship I would like right now, but its this lack of purpose or direction that I am truly struggling with.  I was pretty much coasting from the 'high" of the time consuming, busy work on Tim's estate, the clearing of the condo, etc.  That "high' has worn off and now I am struggling to find a purpose a direction, a structure , a routine. I would like some of this by the end of the year as  I don't want to go into December without something to distract, preoccupy, or to busy myself with.  Having structure and a routine will help get through the holidays and the anniversary of his death.

All of this activity and attempts to find purpose remind me of how I ended my last post, saying how I was Ready to Take a Chance Again, finding inspiration from another of Barry Manilow's songs.  This song may not totally relate to my situation but its theme does, being taking ready to take a chance, a new direction, etc.   This chance and how I take it will be an interesting change, a change I am looking forward to.  I close once again with the words of Barry Manilow.



Ready to Take a Chance Again

You remind me I live in a shell,
Safe from the past,
and doing' okay,
but not very well.
No jolts, no surprises,
No crisis arises:
My life goes along as it should,
it's all very nice,
but not very good.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,
Ready to put my love on the line with you.
Been living with nothing to show for it;
You get what you get when you go for it,
And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.
When she left me in all my despair,
I just held on,
My hopes were all gone.
Then I found you there.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again
Ready To Take A Chance Again with you,
With you.