Ready to take a chance again

I had  a post almost completed a few days ago , and somehow managed to screw it up and it wasn't posted or saved.  The first post looked pretty good so my hope is that this one will as well.

I, until a few weeks ago, was in a good place emotionally.  I had gotten through the closing of the condo, the burial of the ashes, Tim's birthday and our wedding anniversary, all within the space of a few weeks.  Things seemed to be going pretty, until a few weeks a go, when I noticed my irritability increasing, I was becoming very impatience with everything and everybody.  I was tired and basically crabby, and was having trouble sleeping through the night.  I did my best to get through the days as best I could, but it was getting harder with each passing day.

I ended up going back to see my therapist, and am working on his recommendation of Mindfulness.  I have been reading some books on the topic and am trying to see how to include it in my daily life. I  picked up were I left off in The Happiness Project and am writing in my journal again. have also joined a MeetUp book club here in Madison that meets once a month. I am still toying with the idea of taking a class as well, but so far have not found anything of interest yet. All of these are helping along with trying to establish a more structured daily/weekly/monthly routine.

 I have no real structure and without it I am feeling a bit drift less and somewhat without purpose. I am dealing with being alone and not having the kind of companionship I would like right now, but its this lack of purpose or direction that I am truly struggling with.  I was pretty much coasting from the 'high" of the time consuming, busy work on Tim's estate, the clearing of the condo, etc.  That "high' has worn off and now I am struggling to find a purpose a direction, a structure , a routine. I would like some of this by the end of the year as  I don't want to go into December without something to distract, preoccupy, or to busy myself with.  Having structure and a routine will help get through the holidays and the anniversary of his death.

All of this activity and attempts to find purpose remind me of how I ended my last post, saying how I was Ready to Take a Chance Again, finding inspiration from another of Barry Manilow's songs.  This song may not totally relate to my situation but its theme does, being taking ready to take a chance, a new direction, etc.   This chance and how I take it will be an interesting change, a change I am looking forward to.  I close once again with the words of Barry Manilow.



Ready to Take a Chance Again

You remind me I live in a shell,
Safe from the past,
and doing' okay,
but not very well.
No jolts, no surprises,
No crisis arises:
My life goes along as it should,
it's all very nice,
but not very good.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,
Ready to put my love on the line with you.
Been living with nothing to show for it;
You get what you get when you go for it,
And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.
When she left me in all my despair,
I just held on,
My hopes were all gone.
Then I found you there.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again
Ready To Take A Chance Again with you,
With you.

Can't smile without you...

For the longest time I thought Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You was a uplifting , positive song.  Now for some it may be but for me now it is a bit sadder.  While yes there are many positives listed in the song, it is or is for me a song about loss.  The opening verse: 

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything

explains how I feel some days.  Recently, and I have mentioned this in a previous post, I have been thinking of Tim a lot lately.  This while not surprising, is something I wasn't doing as much recently. this is not to say I forgot about him or that he didn't cross my mind, its just that it is happening more frequently lately.  I have been rather, well I am not sure how to describe how I have been feeling.  Sometimes, a little sad, sometimes a lot sad and other times happy. These sad moments in part are due to my doing something or going somewhere and thinking that Tim would have liked this or if Tim were he he would buy that or maybe I should buy that for him, or I would have bought that for him.  This is only made worse by the feeling that comes with doing these things alone and without his company.  Carrying on is one thing but having to carry on with the sometimes added weight of memories, is some days almost impossible.

Now it is not all sad memories, there are many happy, smile inducing memories or moments as well.  Every time I use a self check out aisle, especially in a grocery store, I almost chuckle.  The self check out aisle was one of our first fights, he having never used them, wasn't doing it right and I was getting frustrated as I by then was pretty apt at them.  Needless to say we laughed about it later, and form then on if we used a self check out I did the checking out.  A song will come on the radio and I will remember how much he liked it and how much I didn't but that I let him listen too it anyway.

Every day is not all bad nor all good, especially lately.  I guess even though I have a few things to keep me busy, work, exercise, biking, reading, it still isn't always enough.  It doesn't help that the year is just flying by, and we are now five months from Christmas.  Maybe I am being too pessimistic, but  am not really looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was in a "oh yeah its Christmas again, and I don't really care" mood for a few years before Tim and was just getting out of that feeling before last Christmas.  Well I think it will be a while before Christmas holds any special meaning or provides cause to celebrate.

I guess over all I just need to get through this as best I can and hope for the best.  As I am fond of saying, it is what it is.  I can't change the past and can't predict the future, so the present is all I have.  I may not be able to smile without you right now, but I am working on being ..."Ready to take a chance again."

Can't Smile Without You

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brighten my day
Who would of believed that you where part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I’m finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you’re glad
I feel sad when you’re sad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you