Can't smile without you...

For the longest time I thought Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You was a uplifting , positive song.  Now for some it may be but for me now it is a bit sadder.  While yes there are many positives listed in the song, it is or is for me a song about loss.  The opening verse: 

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything

explains how I feel some days.  Recently, and I have mentioned this in a previous post, I have been thinking of Tim a lot lately.  This while not surprising, is something I wasn't doing as much recently. this is not to say I forgot about him or that he didn't cross my mind, its just that it is happening more frequently lately.  I have been rather, well I am not sure how to describe how I have been feeling.  Sometimes, a little sad, sometimes a lot sad and other times happy. These sad moments in part are due to my doing something or going somewhere and thinking that Tim would have liked this or if Tim were he he would buy that or maybe I should buy that for him, or I would have bought that for him.  This is only made worse by the feeling that comes with doing these things alone and without his company.  Carrying on is one thing but having to carry on with the sometimes added weight of memories, is some days almost impossible.

Now it is not all sad memories, there are many happy, smile inducing memories or moments as well.  Every time I use a self check out aisle, especially in a grocery store, I almost chuckle.  The self check out aisle was one of our first fights, he having never used them, wasn't doing it right and I was getting frustrated as I by then was pretty apt at them.  Needless to say we laughed about it later, and form then on if we used a self check out I did the checking out.  A song will come on the radio and I will remember how much he liked it and how much I didn't but that I let him listen too it anyway.

Every day is not all bad nor all good, especially lately.  I guess even though I have a few things to keep me busy, work, exercise, biking, reading, it still isn't always enough.  It doesn't help that the year is just flying by, and we are now five months from Christmas.  Maybe I am being too pessimistic, but  am not really looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was in a "oh yeah its Christmas again, and I don't really care" mood for a few years before Tim and was just getting out of that feeling before last Christmas.  Well I think it will be a while before Christmas holds any special meaning or provides cause to celebrate.

I guess over all I just need to get through this as best I can and hope for the best.  As I am fond of saying, it is what it is.  I can't change the past and can't predict the future, so the present is all I have.  I may not be able to smile without you right now, but I am working on being ..."Ready to take a chance again."

Can't Smile Without You

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brighten my day
Who would of believed that you where part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I’m finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you’re glad
I feel sad when you’re sad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you