Directions

I have been feeling adrift or directionless lately, not knowing where to go or what to do with my life.  I have really been doing a whole lot of nothing, trying to find things to occupy my free time, which I have in spades.  Before, with Tim, my weekends were structured: breakfast, laundry, shopping, grocery store, coffee with friends on Sunday. I had the rest of the week to do other things, things I enjoyed which were treats not space fillers, like reading for example.  Now the things I used to enjoy are not enjoyable, as they seem more like tasks and not treats.

I was taking to surfing the net or chatting with others, all mindless activities and not real productive uses of time.  I need to find things that give my life structure; meaning; purpose; fun; fulfillment.  This may seem like a lot to ask, but really these activities can meet or satisfy all or some of these requirements.  I used to think that doing nothing was doing something, but after a while nothing is just that, nothing.  This need for structure, fulfillment, etc., has itself taken up some time, as I have been thinking really hard what I could do that would help me meet these requirements.

I have thought and am still looking into this, but maybe I should take the bull by the horns and enroll in the Culinary Arts program at MATC(Madison College).  I have always talked about doing this, yet here I am years later and I am still dithering about it.  I can make the time and if I take one class a semester, I can afford it as well.  I have also been toying with the idea of getting a bike. A bike will get me out and about and is great exercise.  I currently walk now and do exercise, but this would open up a whole new area of exercise.  I do enjoy being outside, and being on a bike would help get me out of my head sometimes.  A nice open stretch of trail and I can zone out, taking in the beauty of my surroundings and just breathing.  I do think see the bike being a reality very soon.

Now as for purpose or fulfilment, I have been struggling with this a lot.  It was, and still is too some degree important for me to be in a relationship.  I felt that a relationship completed me, and while some level it may have, it really doesn't complete me.  I am my own person, regardless of my relationship status.  I think I felt this way because I never felt accepted or that I was liked by others.  This thanks to being the subject of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my fellow elementary school class mates. 

Being the fat country/farm kid made me an easy target.  When I did find someone who liked me or showed interest in me, i felt liked and completed, the void left form my childhood now filled.  Was this a healthy thing, no not really. If one has to rely on another for total acceptance and fulfillment, they will be let down.  Now this let down is not necessarily on purpose, people grow apart, friendships come and go, people move and people die.  I have been working my way through these issues and am now more comfortable with the fact that while a relationship is nice, it is not a necessity nor is it a requirement now.  I am leaving myself open to a relationship, but I am not actively seeking one nor do I see it as a key source of purpose or fulfillment.

My soul searching and feeling of being adrift, was prompted by Tim's death.  Mortality is a bitch and it has one hell of a wake up call.  Tim fulfilled so many things for me, from love to structure.  His death made me reflect on my own mortality and take stock of my own life.  Where am I, where do I want to be, have I done what I wanted or done enough. These questions and others have been preoccupying me as of late, and may never be totally answered.  I think that if I could answer all of those questions,  I would have found the meaning of life, and while we may get close to a meaning, it is something we will never know as it is always in flux, alwways changing.  Life is ever evolving and changing, and that is what defines us: our ability to deal with and live with this change and evolution.