Anniversary

Sunday was our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  I knew this day was coming and tried to plan some what accordingly.  I went on vacation or took time off to get away.  I went to Iowa City and stayed at a very nice  B & B.  While there, I wet to a few antique stores to kill some time.  At each one I was reminded of Tim, seeing things I knew he would have liked and or bought.  Just being in the antique shops was a reminder, as he loved these places.  My interest was spent after 10 minutes or a brief walk through, but he could stay for hours and look at everything. 

I have never taken a vacation by myself so it was a bit odd, nice at times but odd.  I did feel alone at times, wishing I had him with me. He would have enjoyed the Old State Capitol and the Hebert Hoover  Presidential Library and Museum. He would have totally enjoyed talking with Ray and Shirley, the owners of the B & B.  He could talk to anyone and loved doing it.  It is odd, eating by yourself and being a solitary tourist.  I did enjoy my vacation and while it was nice to be on my own, it did have its down side as I mentioned before.

On Sunday, I left Iowa City and drove straight to the cemetery in Kanasville.  It took almost 5 hours so I had a lot of time to think.   It was a very nice and sunny day on Sunday, so the cemetery looked very nice.  The maker of the headstone had the footing for it dug out. I think they should have it placed sometime by August.  I took flowers that matched those we used at the wedding.  I cleared a few small sticks off the ground around his burial plot.   Someone had put a solar powered cross that I will light up at night, assuming it will be a white light, but it may glow in colors. 

I placed the flowers off to the side of his grave, and stayed to talk to him for a while.  I had the original wedding ring re-sized and polished for our anniversary.  I wore both of my wedding rings on Sunday.  I wished him happy anniversary and told him how much I missed him and how it still doesn't seem real that he is no longer here.   I would like to say I felt his presence that day at the grave, but I did and didnt'  By that I mean I know he was there with me in some capacity maybe just not in a tangible way.  There was no sudden breeze or butterfly or passing bird, just quite and sun, and that may have actually been him. 

I cried and cried some more, going to the car at one point thinking I was ok to go and realized I wasn't ready so I went back to the grave.  I just stood there, letting my emotions wash over me and at one point felt relief, and knew it was now ok to go.  I kissed my hand and placed it on the grave, said one last good bye and left.  I watched his grave get smaller in the rear view mirror, feeling both a sense of peace and sadness.  This was just one more step on my journey through grief.  This was a  step of remembrance, sadness, peace and of closure.

I end this blog with the lyrics to our wedding song , LOVE by John Lennon:

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you, you and me
Love is knowing we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved


Happy Anniversary Tim.

Wedding rings