I started the week by removing the final items from Tim's condo, and locking the door one last time. Walking through the empty condo just didn't seem right. I was glad to have the work done, but at the same time sad that I no longer have the one physical connection to him. I will no longer be able to bitch about no close parking stalls, climbing the two flights of stairs to his place or seeing the front door I knew so well. I cried as I did one final walk through taking pictures of his now empty condo. The closing and locking of his door was a closure, a necessary one, yet that doesn't make it any easier.
Tuesday the 31st was the 6 month anniversary of Tim's death. that day thankfully, for the most part, past relatively easily. I was busy at work so that helped and had a few other things going on, so I was distracted. It did hit me though later as I was talking to Tim's picture, something I haven't been doing much of lately. I started and crying and kept crying for maybe half an hour or so. I knew this was building and was due, so this didn't come as too big a surprise to me.
Today would have been Tim's 46th birthday. I would normally have picked him up after work and gone to a friends place to celebrate, as the friend and he shared a birthday. I would have made a German chocolate cake with coconut frosting and had gifts as well to take tonight. This is how we had celebrated his birthday the past few years. I really haven't had anyway, a Happy Birthday and gave him a kiss. He really wasn't a big birthday celebrator, always in awe by how much emphasis I placed on my birthday and the planing of its celebration. I have not really been that into my birthday now that I am on the back side of 40 and once again single. It for now is just another regular day.
Tomorrow as I stated earlier, is the burial of Tim's ashes in Kansasville. Jimmy and I are going as I knew I couldn't go alone and I think he wants to go as well. I am keeping busy by getting things ready so I am again distracted for a while. I am sure it will be a tear filled and emotional day. I will take it as it comes, that is all I can do. This truly is the final act of closure. I have known this day would come and needed to come. I did push for it to be earlier than later, and it did correspond with the closing of his condo.
I need this closure no matter how much it might hurt. I have said my goodbyes before but this will be a final goodbye. I will continue talking to him of course and visiting him, but this burial will be the last major thing that needs to happen. I will be better able to carry on and to move on now that he will bee laid to rest. Putting those ashes in the car for the ride to Kanasville will be hard. It seems as if I was just bringing them here, even though that was almost five months ago. The time has passed quickly since his death, although some days felt like an eternity.
I will share more after the burial when I am able to.
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| Tim's front door |
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