Closure

A week ago today, we buried Tim's ashes at the church he attended as a child growing up in Kanasville.  It was a day that was long in coming and, at least for me, the final closure.  I often wondered how that day would play out, and honestly it went better than I had imagined.    I think what has made this easier for me was that it wasn't really Tim.  While yes it was his physical remains, it wasn't his spirit or it wasn't his essence that which made him who he was.  That Tim will always be with me in my thoughts and memories, always remembered for the kind, wickedly funny, caring man that he was. 

The day was hot, but thankfully there was a breeze.  The priest was half an hour late as he forgot he had the burial that day.  I ended up holding the urn throughout the grave side service.  It was  heavy and getting heavier as the service continued.  When it came time to place the urn in the ground, the priest asked me if I wanted to do it or if I would rather he did it.  I let him as I was afraid I might drop it as my arms were "rubbery" from having held it so long.  He placed the urn and let anyone who wanted, sprinkle holy water over the grave. This is something I chose not to do, the family doing it instead.

Prior to the service, I had wanted to take some of the ashes out to spread them in accordance with his wishes.  Unfortunately I was unable to get the urn opened.  I had planned on placing a small mini bottle of alcohol and  two cigarettes inside.  After Tim had his initial stroke six years ago and the surgery after, he wasn't really able to drink anymore.  He smoked the occasional cigarette, which I used to joking tell him, that I didn't mind just as long as he only bummed no ore than two at anyone time. 

Not being able to put these items in the urn we, his cousin, a niece, myself and his friend, waited until the rest of the family was gone we had our own small service.  I poured the Sky vodka over the urn and I dropped in two cigarettes.  I threw some dirt over the urn and wished him well.  I thought it was a nice touch as now he could drink what he wanted and smoke what he wanted, or a least two cigarettes.

I really wasn't emotional that day, and that really doesn't bother me.  I thought I might get e bit choked up, but the fact that I didn't is ok too.  I am really in a good place right now, not to say i won't pr haven't cried or thought or him often.  I just feel ok about being ok, that I have more happy memories now rather than sad memories.  I am not sure what the future may hold, in regards to how I will deal with our wedding anniversary later this month or the anniversary of his death in December.  I do know that I will deal with them as they come and make the best of them.  If those days mean no-stop crying or reminders of happy moments, then so be it.  I know that I am in a good place now to handle those moments no matter what they mean.

I am glad that this final closure has come to pass.  I can't imagine that it is now over six months since his death, the estate is almost settled, his condo is empty, and we have buried his ashes/  if you had told me 3 months ago that all of this would come to pass, I honestly wouldn't have believed you.  those were dark days and the future from that perspective was just as dark and foreboding.  Grief auto pilot only takes one so far. Getting through each day takes a lot of effort and while at times seems unbearable and impossible to get through, it does get more bearable and the impossible becomes the possible. 

I am reminded of a quote (I forget from where and by who) that sums up this ongoing journey.  "You are a creation with the unbelievable power to weather life's toughest storms."  This is such a powerfully true statement.  Life has its ups and downs, but we truly have the ability to carry on even through the darkest of days and persevere.  While this has been hard, I wouldn't have traded the time I did have with Tim for anything.  I often would tell him two things: I know what I am getting into and am ok with that (in regards to his health issues) and I would rather have 5 years with you than never to have had any time with you.   He was worth every minute and bettered my life in ways I will probably never fully realize.