Anniversary

Sunday was our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  I knew this day was coming and tried to plan some what accordingly.  I went on vacation or took time off to get away.  I went to Iowa City and stayed at a very nice  B & B.  While there, I wet to a few antique stores to kill some time.  At each one I was reminded of Tim, seeing things I knew he would have liked and or bought.  Just being in the antique shops was a reminder, as he loved these places.  My interest was spent after 10 minutes or a brief walk through, but he could stay for hours and look at everything. 

I have never taken a vacation by myself so it was a bit odd, nice at times but odd.  I did feel alone at times, wishing I had him with me. He would have enjoyed the Old State Capitol and the Hebert Hoover  Presidential Library and Museum. He would have totally enjoyed talking with Ray and Shirley, the owners of the B & B.  He could talk to anyone and loved doing it.  It is odd, eating by yourself and being a solitary tourist.  I did enjoy my vacation and while it was nice to be on my own, it did have its down side as I mentioned before.

On Sunday, I left Iowa City and drove straight to the cemetery in Kanasville.  It took almost 5 hours so I had a lot of time to think.   It was a very nice and sunny day on Sunday, so the cemetery looked very nice.  The maker of the headstone had the footing for it dug out. I think they should have it placed sometime by August.  I took flowers that matched those we used at the wedding.  I cleared a few small sticks off the ground around his burial plot.   Someone had put a solar powered cross that I will light up at night, assuming it will be a white light, but it may glow in colors. 

I placed the flowers off to the side of his grave, and stayed to talk to him for a while.  I had the original wedding ring re-sized and polished for our anniversary.  I wore both of my wedding rings on Sunday.  I wished him happy anniversary and told him how much I missed him and how it still doesn't seem real that he is no longer here.   I would like to say I felt his presence that day at the grave, but I did and didnt'  By that I mean I know he was there with me in some capacity maybe just not in a tangible way.  There was no sudden breeze or butterfly or passing bird, just quite and sun, and that may have actually been him. 

I cried and cried some more, going to the car at one point thinking I was ok to go and realized I wasn't ready so I went back to the grave.  I just stood there, letting my emotions wash over me and at one point felt relief, and knew it was now ok to go.  I kissed my hand and placed it on the grave, said one last good bye and left.  I watched his grave get smaller in the rear view mirror, feeling both a sense of peace and sadness.  This was just one more step on my journey through grief.  This was a  step of remembrance, sadness, peace and of closure.

I end this blog with the lyrics to our wedding song , LOVE by John Lennon:

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you, you and me
Love is knowing we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved


Happy Anniversary Tim.

Wedding rings

Pictures

The other day, I finally picked up some pictures form or last trip together and pictures of the funeral flowers.  We had gone to Dubuque and Galena in October of last year in part as a small honeymoon and for my birthday.  We had seen the giant M outside of Platteville (climbing all 340 steps), went to the Mystique casino, spent the day in Galena, shopping and antiquing (10 antique stores over the whole weekend), went on a haunted Galena tour and also stopped at a pumpkin farm. The flowers, well I wanted a memory of those as well, as they were very nice and thoughtful. 

I currently have college picture frames of all of our trips, camping at outside of McGregor IA over July 4th weekend 2008, Mall of America and St. Paul 2010,  St. Francies Xavier Basicalla in Dyserville summer 2009, and our Dubuque trip last October.  I truly enjoyed those trips and wish there had been more and that I had taken more pictures.  I actually wish I had taken more pictures of us and Tim.  I have some, but I was often without my camera, so I missed a lot.

I have a few pictures of the two of us around the place, most notably our wedding picture (black and white) which our friend Julie took.  It is in the middle of the collage picture frames i described before.  I have a copy of it at work, but since my return to work, it has been in a drawer.  I can look at them here, as they are almost background, but the one at work always caught my eye, well which prior to his death, was by design.  I am sure someday I will be able to bring it back out again.

Our friends Dean and Tara and their sons, gave us a very nice photo album from Snapfish.  These were pictures that Tar took at the wedding.  My personal favorite of these is the bubble picture.  When Tim and I came downstairs at the church after the ceremony, we were greeted by bubbles.  the picture captures us both smiling and truly happy.  It is one of my most favorite pictures of not only Tim but of the both of us.  the wedding picture and the bubble picture will be the best reminders of that special day.

I have always enjoyed displaying pictures and have quite a few photo albums to prove this.  I may not have always enjoyed my picture being taken, and still don't but I did enjoy taking them  I finally broke down and bought a new digital camera this week.  Not that i didn't like my old one, but it was very slow and went through batteries like crazy.  I will be taking more pictures now, not wanting to miss important, or fun moments.  The more memories I can reflect on the better.  I will include the wedding picture here, and will have to work on getting the bubble picture.

I haven't looked at the wedding album as of late, as it has just been too hard.  I am sure as the wedding anniversary nears I will look at them again, and remember the beauty of that day and probably shed a few happy tears and a few sad tiers.  I will be grateful for the memories.