Road trip

Today, Sunday, I drove the two hours to visit Tim's grave as the headstone is now placed.  I had seen the plan for the headstone and his family had pretty much honored my wishes on content.  They did a very good job picking out the color and the stone type, and it was done withing the two months promised by the headstone maker.

I had to clean off some bird poop but otherwise the marker was very nice.  I sat next to the marker and played a little ABBA music on my phone while we had a conversation.  It was a warm and sunny day with a slight breeze which made sitting comfortable.  I took pictures, one I hope to add either to this post or separately to the blog.   The flowers I placed in June were still there and looked nice.  I will probably go again in October and put switch out the summer flowers for Christmas flowers.  I also hope to find a solar powered glowing Christmas tree light to leave as well. 

Tim was a Christmas "junkie", loving anything and everything to do with the holiday.  He, as I addressed in my last post, was responsible for bringing me out of my indifference for the holiday.  I used to love Christmas when I was home, always looking forward to helping Mom decorate and make cookies and candies.  Prior to Tim I really wasn't that into the holiday, while not Scrooge I just wasn't happy about the hassle, the fact that the holiday season started in October, and the money that was spent.  This year I think I will say no to gifts for myself, and only give the minimum gifts and no Christmas cards.

I think that I will only be going to the grave a few times a year, around our anniversary or his birthday and once in the fall.  It is not a bad reflection on me, it is a long haul, four hours round trip, too much gas and honestly, I can remember him without having to visit his grave site.  I know he would understand that and would honestly tell me to not bother.  It is my own sense of responsibility and maybe guilt that makes me go.  A grave should have some sort of flowers or something to show someone cares, so if nothing else I will go at least once a year and visit.  I go with my Mom and maybe a sibling to place flowers at the Grandparents grave and those of Great and Great Grate grandparents every Memorial Day weekend.  My grandpa used to do this by himself for years, and the last 3 years of his life, I used to drive him.  This is something I enjoy doing and honestly am glad to do it.

Now that the grave has a marker and his ashes have been buried, I feel a sense of closure and composure.  This was something that had to be done and is now done and I can move on.  I still have a few things to do in regards to the estate, but otherwise, the must do or need to do things are done.  I can now focus on trying to get on with my life, honoring his memory in my own way and on my own terms.  Life needs to be lived and its time to try and do that better.

Here is a Hebrew proverb that I think is appropriate:

Say not in grief: "He is no more", but live in thankfulness that he was.