What started out as just taking a few things to the basement, ended up being a cleaning/sorting project. I went through some VHS tapes and cassette tapes, tossing some, and donating the others. I ended up with a box and a bag for Goodwill and a box and bag for Half Priced Books. I also rearranged my book case, winnowing my collection and changing the location of pictures, and other items on the shelves. The whole project took me almost three hours.
I have been very fastidious as of late, almost compulsive with neatness, and organizing and/or arranging. I know this is my way of keeping busy, staving off boredom and preventing my mind from focusing on some upsetting/unpleasant things. So I have this going on, along with my continued irritability issues. If I am not busy I tend to get crabby and have a very short fuse when it comes to day to day things. Traffic, the store not having the items I expect it too, the cat, the list goes on and on.
It also hasn't helped the fast few days that my back has been bothering me again. Not sure whree that came from as it has been doing so well for so long. I have also had off and on again dental pain. The Chiropractor helped and I have an appointment with a new dentist on Monday. These two issues at least have been or will be resolved. That has helped a little but not as much as I would have liked.
So by now, even though I am happy the results of my cleaning and rearranging, I also feel as though I wasted the day and now feel a bit rushed. I have to be at the museum by 4:00 to catch the movies, and by now I haven't yet shaved nor gotten ready. So I am feeling a bit hurried even though I truly do have time.. By time I get downtown, the parking situation didn't work out initially as planned. So by time I get a parking place I am rather irritated. I ended up parking about half a mile away and have to walk. The walk helped calm me so by time I arrived for the movies I am much calmer.
The movies were It's a Gift, a 1934 W. C. Fields movie to be followed by Hold That Ghost, a 1941 comedy starring Abbott and Costello. I had never seen the first one, but the second is one of my favorites. It is also the movie Tim and I watched on our first date back at his place. So I have this in the back of my mind while I am watching both movies. I enjoyed them both, but on the walk back to my car, I started thinking more about Hold that Ghost and my memories associated with it. This as fist got me a bit down, then and I am ont sure where this came from, but angry, not irritated, but angry.
I was angry that I had to see this by myself, that it wasn't he and I going. That this movie will always have the memory of Tim associated with it, so every time I see it I will be reminded of him. Angry that now I am single and lonely again. I was just so pissed because of all of this. So by now I was angry with myself for being angry and that this upset me this way. While anger is part of grief, I was rather surprised as to the degree of my anger, the degree I felt it and the degree to which I assigned it to him.
I was able to calm down and sort of work through it, but now I am rather ashamed of my feeling angry and sad. Sad that he is gone and I am left with only his memory and my memories of our time together. I know that all of this has just been simmering right under the surface, and the fact that we are getting closer and closer to some key anniversaries, only adds to and increases my emotions. Do I want to be this emotional , no. Do I want to just have memories, no, having the real thing would be better. Do I know I can only have memories, yes. Will all of this always be on my mind, yes. I know that one day it won't hurt as much and that will be ok. I will have memories that I can handle emotionally. Until then I will have my angry moments, at Tim and others, know that these too will pass and get easier to deal with.
I am not sure what else to say on this, I just needed to get it all off my chest. (Miss you and love you honey)
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