Prince Charming...sure

Being single again and trying to meet new people is frustrating. I thought I would say difficult, as in hard to start over after Tim, but truly it is FRUSTRATING.  I have met some guys, nice I am sure, just not relationship material.  I meet these guys, we talk, text, meet and hang out, only to have it all fall apart after a month.  The longest made it three months, but that has proven the exception.  By fall apart I mean a complete and abrupt halt in convesation and/or actvity. Now I don't think it is me, I think I keep up my end of things, and make the effort.  I don't want to come off as Glen Close all Fatal Attractionish nor do I want to be super aloof either.  I will make overtures of contact but after a while I just give up.  When you are the one making all the effort, it just gets tiring . I think I know when someone is no longer interested.(At least I hope I can pick up on that). 

I have meet one or two men just for fun, and that was all I expected.  I have moved on from that, as honestly, and I am being frank here, self pleasure is enough for now. Now of the men mentioned above, I have kissed one, played with one, and only talked and hung out with a few others.  I just get frustarted by having to kiss so many frogs to get a prince. Well hell some days I would take a Duke or hell even a Knight. (A Duke is below a prince and a Knight is at the bottom of a Royal heirachy- thank you Google). 

I know dating can be a ardouus process, with many ups and downs, so I have to be patient. My having patience is easier said than practiced. I have decided to remove my OKCupid profile and my Gay.com profile as well.  No more Grindr (not that I was really a fan of that app), no more Chemistry (a crappy matching system that didn't tell you that your close matches, which they always had a ton of , were 200 miles or more away before sucking you in to an overpriced monthly commitment.) Ok I might be a bit too bitter about that last one.

I think part of my frustration is that I am a bit of a romantic, thanks to the many romance movies (gay or otherwise) and stories I have endulged in over the years.  Ok I really have to rethink the recurrig day dream I have of meeting Mr. Right at a book store was we reach for the same book, or over spilled coffee at Starbucks.  Both wonderfully romantic but not as realistic as I once imagined.  Not to say I am becoming a total cynic,  I just beleive I am putting things into a better perspective.

I know I struck the love lottery when I met Tim.  The dating gods were smiling down on me the day I placed that ad in the Isthmus and he replied.  I was smitten from our first date.  I don't think I used all my luck up in meeting Tim, I just have a feeling that the dating gods can't smile down upon one all the time, they make you work a bit more the second go around. I will just let what happens happens. As I said in a prevous post, lighting may strike twice, I just have to wait, or cheat and go fly a kite in a thunderstorm.

2nd Wedding Anniversary

     Today is our second wedding anniversary. I find it hard to believe it  has only been two years, it has felt like so much longer.  I have been feeling out of sorts as of late, having so many feelings overlaying the feeling of sadness that I have been struggling to control or better yet, come to terms with.  I know some of this has been because of the anniversary and his birthday earlier this month.
 
     I discussed this with my therapist, and among the things we discussed was how I defined myself.  I am not the boyfriend, I am not the the husband but I am the widow.  Couple this with , the statement that I was married, and I now understood the underlying feeling of sadness.  Using the past tense, putting into words that which I had been trying so hard no too, was very upsetting.  Vocalizing the past tense, was married, while true, didn't make it easier.  It has been easier since stating it out loud, I do feel as though a weight has been lifted. 

     Was, now allows me the continue the process of moving on and helps with the closure process.  While I will never reach complete closure, as he will always be a part of me, it does bring closure a bit closer. I am glad that he will always be a part of me, and that I know he will always be with me.  For it is in he knowing that he will always be there that I can continue to live my life, and move on. The heart is a wonderful invention for it helps so much when we experience a loss. To me , the heart is the final resting place of those we love.  While we will always have memories, it is the heart that remembers our love for the one we have lost.

     The next thing I am now better prepared to do, is to take off the wedding ring.  Until I was able to state that I was married, this would not have been possible.  Now this is not to say that it won't be hard, but I know that I will now be able to do it when the time comes. This will allow me to move on and maybe start anew with someone else. 

Well this wasn't quite the post I had envisioned, but I think it expressed what I have been feeling as of late. I am not sure when or what I will post, but I know I will post something. 

Happy Anniversary, Tim. 
I love you.