I discussed this with my therapist, and among the things we discussed was how I defined myself. I am not the boyfriend, I am not the the husband but I am the widow. Couple this with , the statement that I was married, and I now understood the underlying feeling of sadness. Using the past tense, putting into words that which I had been trying so hard no too, was very upsetting. Vocalizing the past tense, was married, while true, didn't make it easier. It has been easier since stating it out loud, I do feel as though a weight has been lifted.
Was, now allows me the continue the process of moving on and helps with the closure process. While I will never reach complete closure, as he will always be a part of me, it does bring closure a bit closer. I am glad that he will always be a part of me, and that I know he will always be with me. For it is in he knowing that he will always be there that I can continue to live my life, and move on. The heart is a wonderful invention for it helps so much when we experience a loss. To me , the heart is the final resting place of those we love. While we will always have memories, it is the heart that remembers our love for the one we have lost.
The next thing I am now better prepared to do, is to take off the wedding ring. Until I was able to state that I was married, this would not have been possible. Now this is not to say that it won't be hard, but I know that I will now be able to do it when the time comes. This will allow me to move on and maybe start anew with someone else.
Well this wasn't quite the post I had envisioned, but I think it expressed what I have been feeling as of late. I am not sure when or what I will post, but I know I will post something.
Happy Anniversary, Tim.
I love you.
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