As I have mentioned previously, I have been making progress on Tim's condo, so much so there is an echo now. I have given myself a new goal now, to have everything out by the end of May. The biggest reason for this push, is that the date for the burial of his ashes i, as of this blog, set for June 4th. This will not complete closure is a very importantpart of the closure process. June 4th, is the day after what would have been his 46th birthday and is thankfully before our wedding anniversary. I say thankfully as I really wanted the condo and burial done before that date and it looks as if that is now going to happen. I was also hoping he was buried by then so that come June 26th, I could go to the cemetery and be with him that day.
All of this means of course that there is a lot of work to get done, and there will probably be a lot of emotional issues to deal with as well. I do think that at least until his burial, that I should be distracted enough and busy enough to not get too overwhelmed. granted the day I close and lock his door for the last time is going to be very difficult, but I also now it is a very important part of the grief and closure process.
I have had Tim's ashes at my place since after the funeral so its not like I haven't had him around at least in some capacity. Even this urn at least for me, is not Tim and I think that makes coping easier. I honestly hardly even notice that the urn is here, it is almost background. I have our wedding picture that I can and have focused on, that being more real or feels more like Tim. having said all of this, i am sure that the urn will take on a new meaning at the cemetery.
I will admit that even at the funeral, I didn't feel as though it was Tim I was seeing. Tim or the man I knew as Tim was not in the casket or is now in an urn, for he is around and yet not around. I feel and see him yet don't feel or see him. I am not religious person, as I have more own ideas about the afterlife and how things continue, By saying Tim is all around yet not around, is my way of saying he is a part of me, and a part of us all, even though he is not here physically anymore. we each carry Tim with us every day each in our own special way.
I am somewhat glad I will be busy this month as the distractions will help I am sure, help get me through the next few weeks. This I know to all be part of the grieving process, and that there will be some closure. The condo will be closed, Tim's ahes will be buried and his birthday will have come as well. All of these are important steps and while they are necessary , it of course doesn't make them easy, it just makes them easier to live with.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Legos
I had another post ready to go and screwed it up so I am writing a more brief one.
It will be four months on Sunday since Tim died. That has been on my mind a lot these past few days. I have had a few moments of crying that came out of nowhere. I have had to stop, and force a few memories aside in order to get through the moment, let alone the day. I think part of this, aside from the anniversary, is the progress on his condo. Enough progress has been made that you can now hear an echo. I honestly never thought that would come to pass. i was, just a month a go unsure how i would get everything out, feeling totally overwhelmed. her it is a month later and it is now looking rather stark n some spots. Some furniture has been removed and those ho;es are hard to look at some times.
The big hole, not just physically, but emotionally will be the removal of his Legos castle. I had emailed the Madison Children's Museum, too see if they might have a need for it. they emailed me back this week saying they would definitely like it, so next week they will be coming to take it. I am not sure how easily we will be able to move it as it is big and heavy, but we will do what we can.
That castle has always been a apart of his condo and our relationship. The first year and a half of our dating , the castle was in the living room near the TV. This was fine for him as when he sat on the couch, other resting in front of, for he was tall enough to see over it. I on the other hand being shorter only saw the top third of the movies we watched. I know he wasn't totally sold on the ideas of moving it, but bless his heart he did. He had worked very hard on that, having the right small accessories to go with it, and you can tell that he truly put his heart into it.
I know he will be very happy to know that children could earn form his creation and get some enjoyment out of it as well. His other Legos have been dispersed all over town, to schools, community centers and to children directly. I am very glad that i was able to share a part of him with so many others, whether they realize it or not. I will be closing with pictures form our mall of America trip from 2009. they had giant Legos outside and Legoland inside. talk abut a kid in a candy store, it was the highlight of the trip for him.
It will be four months on Sunday since Tim died. That has been on my mind a lot these past few days. I have had a few moments of crying that came out of nowhere. I have had to stop, and force a few memories aside in order to get through the moment, let alone the day. I think part of this, aside from the anniversary, is the progress on his condo. Enough progress has been made that you can now hear an echo. I honestly never thought that would come to pass. i was, just a month a go unsure how i would get everything out, feeling totally overwhelmed. her it is a month later and it is now looking rather stark n some spots. Some furniture has been removed and those ho;es are hard to look at some times.
The big hole, not just physically, but emotionally will be the removal of his Legos castle. I had emailed the Madison Children's Museum, too see if they might have a need for it. they emailed me back this week saying they would definitely like it, so next week they will be coming to take it. I am not sure how easily we will be able to move it as it is big and heavy, but we will do what we can.
That castle has always been a apart of his condo and our relationship. The first year and a half of our dating , the castle was in the living room near the TV. This was fine for him as when he sat on the couch, other resting in front of, for he was tall enough to see over it. I on the other hand being shorter only saw the top third of the movies we watched. I know he wasn't totally sold on the ideas of moving it, but bless his heart he did. He had worked very hard on that, having the right small accessories to go with it, and you can tell that he truly put his heart into it.
I know he will be very happy to know that children could earn form his creation and get some enjoyment out of it as well. His other Legos have been dispersed all over town, to schools, community centers and to children directly. I am very glad that i was able to share a part of him with so many others, whether they realize it or not. I will be closing with pictures form our mall of America trip from 2009. they had giant Legos outside and Legoland inside. talk abut a kid in a candy store, it was the highlight of the trip for him.
 |
| Mall of America 2009 |
 |
| Legoland- Mall of America 2009 |
Friday, April 22, 2011
Pictures
The other day, I finally picked up some pictures form or last trip together and pictures of the funeral flowers. We had gone to Dubuque and Galena in October of last year in part as a small honeymoon and for my birthday. We had seen the giant M outside of Platteville (climbing all 340 steps), went to the Mystique casino, spent the day in Galena, shopping and antiquing (10 antique stores over the whole weekend), went on a haunted Galena tour and also stopped at a pumpkin farm. The flowers, well I wanted a memory of those as well, as they were very nice and thoughtful.
I currently have college picture frames of all of our trips, camping at outside of McGregor IA over July 4th weekend 2008, Mall of America and St. Paul 2010, St. Francies Xavier Basicalla in Dyserville summer 2009, and our Dubuque trip last October. I truly enjoyed those trips and wish there had been more and that I had taken more pictures. I actually wish I had taken more pictures of us and Tim. I have some, but I was often without my camera, so I missed a lot.
I have a few pictures of the two of us around the place, most notably our wedding picture (black and white) which our friend Julie took. It is in the middle of the collage picture frames i described before. I have a copy of it at work, but since my return to work, it has been in a drawer. I can look at them here, as they are almost background, but the one at work always caught my eye, well which prior to his death, was by design. I am sure someday I will be able to bring it back out again.
Our friends Dean and Tara and their sons, gave us a very nice photo album from Snapfish. These were pictures that Tar took at the wedding. My personal favorite of these is the bubble picture. When Tim and I came downstairs at the church after the ceremony, we were greeted by bubbles. the picture captures us both smiling and truly happy. It is one of my most favorite pictures of not only Tim but of the both of us. the wedding picture and the bubble picture will be the best reminders of that special day.
I have always enjoyed displaying pictures and have quite a few photo albums to prove this. I may not have always enjoyed my picture being taken, and still don't but I did enjoy taking them I finally broke down and bought a new digital camera this week. Not that i didn't like my old one, but it was very slow and went through batteries like crazy. I will be taking more pictures now, not wanting to miss important, or fun moments. The more memories I can reflect on the better. I will include the wedding picture here, and will have to work on getting the bubble picture.
I haven't looked at the wedding album as of late, as it has just been too hard. I am sure as the wedding anniversary nears I will look at them again, and remember the beauty of that day and probably shed a few happy tears and a few sad tiers. I will be grateful for the memories.
I currently have college picture frames of all of our trips, camping at outside of McGregor IA over July 4th weekend 2008, Mall of America and St. Paul 2010, St. Francies Xavier Basicalla in Dyserville summer 2009, and our Dubuque trip last October. I truly enjoyed those trips and wish there had been more and that I had taken more pictures. I actually wish I had taken more pictures of us and Tim. I have some, but I was often without my camera, so I missed a lot.
I have a few pictures of the two of us around the place, most notably our wedding picture (black and white) which our friend Julie took. It is in the middle of the collage picture frames i described before. I have a copy of it at work, but since my return to work, it has been in a drawer. I can look at them here, as they are almost background, but the one at work always caught my eye, well which prior to his death, was by design. I am sure someday I will be able to bring it back out again.
Our friends Dean and Tara and their sons, gave us a very nice photo album from Snapfish. These were pictures that Tar took at the wedding. My personal favorite of these is the bubble picture. When Tim and I came downstairs at the church after the ceremony, we were greeted by bubbles. the picture captures us both smiling and truly happy. It is one of my most favorite pictures of not only Tim but of the both of us. the wedding picture and the bubble picture will be the best reminders of that special day.
I have always enjoyed displaying pictures and have quite a few photo albums to prove this. I may not have always enjoyed my picture being taken, and still don't but I did enjoy taking them I finally broke down and bought a new digital camera this week. Not that i didn't like my old one, but it was very slow and went through batteries like crazy. I will be taking more pictures now, not wanting to miss important, or fun moments. The more memories I can reflect on the better. I will include the wedding picture here, and will have to work on getting the bubble picture.
I haven't looked at the wedding album as of late, as it has just been too hard. I am sure as the wedding anniversary nears I will look at them again, and remember the beauty of that day and probably shed a few happy tears and a few sad tiers. I will be grateful for the memories.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Stuff
In accepting the responsibility of being the Personal Representative of Tim's estate, I know that there would be a lot to do. Cancelling credit cards, closing checking accounts, opening an estate account, paying bills, notify insurance companies, etc, were just a few things that had to be done. In comparison to closing his condo, those were easy and relatively painless tasks. The closing of the condo or basically the disposition of all his possessions has proven to be a huge undertaking. It has been fraught with emotion, and is at times all consuming. Let me better explain why and how.
Tim loved filling his home with items that struck his fancy. He loved antiques, especially family antiques. He had various types of collections, keys that adorned the walls of the kitchen; eggs, of all shapes and sizes and materials; toys and a collection of Legos that would have given any Legos store a run for its money. He also. kept everything, and I mean everything. I think I said this in an earlier blog, but he was a neat hoarder. He had a place for everything and everything had a place,
The walls of every room were adorned with candle holders and pictures, small pictures, religious icons, family photos. The walls were neatly filled, with hardly any free or open space. I appreciate his love of antiques and anything that caught his eye. He for the most part had very good taste, and loved each and I have and continue to have help, as I know better than to go it alone. I tried a few times to do it alone and i was just unable emotionally to do so. If I plan on having a productive weekend at his place, I make sure to enlist help.
Packing his clothes was hard, even with the help of his brother and sister-in-law. I didn't wash the laundry form before he went to the hospital until a few weeks ago. I just couldn't bear to do it at the time. I washed this laundry and the rest of his bedding and when done, immediately went to Good Will and donated it. It was so wired giving away his clothes, it did and still does fell like an ending. I know it is, but to give those things away that he wore and touched every day was just, just.. well hard to do and hard to describe.
I know this has been mentioned in a previous blog, but all of these items have at times upset me. Upset and left me angry at tom. Its not that I wanted to be upset or angry with him, but I just felt so overwhelmed. I was mad that he was gone and left me with so very much to do. I had a hard time dealing with this anger, but I realized that it was ok to be mad or upset, as these were my true emotions. I would get angry and tel him this, (I talk with Tim most nights and for now, review the day and how things are going, etc).and after I got it off my chest I felt better and could continue.
It amazes me how much stuff a person has at any given time in their life. I have periodically purged my possessions as I don't want a tom of stuff, but even still I have a lot of things. We all have stuff upon stuff that we have accumulated, some we know we have, some we forget we have. I like simplicity or spareness, I don't like having what i would call clutter. This is not a judgment on others, it is just what works for me.
I have been able to make progress, and things are slowly being moved out. There are now signs of progress, where a few weeks a go it still looked like nothing much had been done. I know the day looms when all of his stuff will be disposed of and I lock the door one last time. This day will be hard and hard fought to get to. The stuff I had so much angst, real or imagined disposing of, will no longer need to be dealt with. I am not sure how I will deal with that new reality.
Tim loved filling his home with items that struck his fancy. He loved antiques, especially family antiques. He had various types of collections, keys that adorned the walls of the kitchen; eggs, of all shapes and sizes and materials; toys and a collection of Legos that would have given any Legos store a run for its money. He also. kept everything, and I mean everything. I think I said this in an earlier blog, but he was a neat hoarder. He had a place for everything and everything had a place,
The walls of every room were adorned with candle holders and pictures, small pictures, religious icons, family photos. The walls were neatly filled, with hardly any free or open space. I appreciate his love of antiques and anything that caught his eye. He for the most part had very good taste, and loved each and I have and continue to have help, as I know better than to go it alone. I tried a few times to do it alone and i was just unable emotionally to do so. If I plan on having a productive weekend at his place, I make sure to enlist help.
Packing his clothes was hard, even with the help of his brother and sister-in-law. I didn't wash the laundry form before he went to the hospital until a few weeks ago. I just couldn't bear to do it at the time. I washed this laundry and the rest of his bedding and when done, immediately went to Good Will and donated it. It was so wired giving away his clothes, it did and still does fell like an ending. I know it is, but to give those things away that he wore and touched every day was just, just.. well hard to do and hard to describe.
I know this has been mentioned in a previous blog, but all of these items have at times upset me. Upset and left me angry at tom. Its not that I wanted to be upset or angry with him, but I just felt so overwhelmed. I was mad that he was gone and left me with so very much to do. I had a hard time dealing with this anger, but I realized that it was ok to be mad or upset, as these were my true emotions. I would get angry and tel him this, (I talk with Tim most nights and for now, review the day and how things are going, etc).and after I got it off my chest I felt better and could continue.
It amazes me how much stuff a person has at any given time in their life. I have periodically purged my possessions as I don't want a tom of stuff, but even still I have a lot of things. We all have stuff upon stuff that we have accumulated, some we know we have, some we forget we have. I like simplicity or spareness, I don't like having what i would call clutter. This is not a judgment on others, it is just what works for me.
I have been able to make progress, and things are slowly being moved out. There are now signs of progress, where a few weeks a go it still looked like nothing much had been done. I know the day looms when all of his stuff will be disposed of and I lock the door one last time. This day will be hard and hard fought to get to. The stuff I had so much angst, real or imagined disposing of, will no longer need to be dealt with. I am not sure how I will deal with that new reality.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Baby steps
Baby steps, that's how I have been getting through the days and weeks since Tim's death. In the first weeks the baby step was just getting out of bed and going to work. Work was a distraction and a necessary one those first few weeks. I am not sure how I would have fared had I not had something to do for at least 8 hours a day. I wasn't able to totally tune my thoughts of Tim out and focus on work. I may have been able to get through the work day, but coming home is when I would let the suppressed emotions of the day come through. This worked for quite a while, until I was able to baby step to a grief group.
The next baby step was LGBT Grief Support group offered through Hospice care and Outreach. Being able to get out one night a week and share my experiences was very helpful. It gave me something to anticipate. i used to anticipate the weekends when i would go over to Tim's. Once that was no longer a reality, i needed something to latch on too, a safe harbor in the hurricane of grief. This group got me out of the house and back to interacting with people, people outside of work. This baby step allowed me to take the next baby step, counseling.
I was able to find a very good counselor, who has helped me immensely, He has helped me to deal with my grief and loneliness and along the way come to some self realizations. I was able to 'name' my grief and learn to pay it the proper attention. I also came to realize that Tim's death has given me serious pause. I have taken this pause to examine my life and where I in it. I am not going to run off and join an ashram or anything like that, but I am taking stock my my life and what things are important to me. This baby step has set me on a patch of many steps, a true journey of self discovery.
One of these new steps is to take a vacation by myself. I will be going to Iowa City in late June and staying at a Bed and Breakfast. I in part picked Iowa City as I could visit my family at the start of the vacation. There is plenty to do and i have the time so I am just going to play it by ear and do what ever I want. I would go to a movie or out to eat by myself but never a vacation by myself. This is a way to spend time with myself and get comfortable with being by myself for a while. If I can't stand my own company then I have much deeper issues.
This vacation also corresponds with our 1st wedding anniversary. I haven't yet decided how to spend the day yet. If his ashes are buried by then, will go to the cemetery in Brighton. If his ashes are not buried yet, I think I will either have a picnic at Picnic Point (he and I did that a few times last year) or possibly stay in and watch Casablanca, the movie we saw on our first date. I think that having something that may or may not bring out my emotions is good, it will at least give me a time to wholly face my feelings and emotions of that day. I am not dreading this day, I am just trying to be aware of what it will mean and how I might react to it.
Another baby step will be to volunteer at Outreach, possibly as a Peer Counselor or initially at least, helping stuff envelopes or committee work. I am also working with a friend on starting a social group for those that have lost a spouse/partner. This group it is hoped will get people out in the community again and give them a chance to interact with those in a similar situations. We hope to have our first such get together in June. I am really looking forward to this, and am hopeful it will be successful.
I know eventually I will be able to move on from baby steps and walk again. I believe the expression is, "(A) journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I am ready for this journey.
The next baby step was LGBT Grief Support group offered through Hospice care and Outreach. Being able to get out one night a week and share my experiences was very helpful. It gave me something to anticipate. i used to anticipate the weekends when i would go over to Tim's. Once that was no longer a reality, i needed something to latch on too, a safe harbor in the hurricane of grief. This group got me out of the house and back to interacting with people, people outside of work. This baby step allowed me to take the next baby step, counseling.
I was able to find a very good counselor, who has helped me immensely, He has helped me to deal with my grief and loneliness and along the way come to some self realizations. I was able to 'name' my grief and learn to pay it the proper attention. I also came to realize that Tim's death has given me serious pause. I have taken this pause to examine my life and where I in it. I am not going to run off and join an ashram or anything like that, but I am taking stock my my life and what things are important to me. This baby step has set me on a patch of many steps, a true journey of self discovery.
One of these new steps is to take a vacation by myself. I will be going to Iowa City in late June and staying at a Bed and Breakfast. I in part picked Iowa City as I could visit my family at the start of the vacation. There is plenty to do and i have the time so I am just going to play it by ear and do what ever I want. I would go to a movie or out to eat by myself but never a vacation by myself. This is a way to spend time with myself and get comfortable with being by myself for a while. If I can't stand my own company then I have much deeper issues.
This vacation also corresponds with our 1st wedding anniversary. I haven't yet decided how to spend the day yet. If his ashes are buried by then, will go to the cemetery in Brighton. If his ashes are not buried yet, I think I will either have a picnic at Picnic Point (he and I did that a few times last year) or possibly stay in and watch Casablanca, the movie we saw on our first date. I think that having something that may or may not bring out my emotions is good, it will at least give me a time to wholly face my feelings and emotions of that day. I am not dreading this day, I am just trying to be aware of what it will mean and how I might react to it.
Another baby step will be to volunteer at Outreach, possibly as a Peer Counselor or initially at least, helping stuff envelopes or committee work. I am also working with a friend on starting a social group for those that have lost a spouse/partner. This group it is hoped will get people out in the community again and give them a chance to interact with those in a similar situations. We hope to have our first such get together in June. I am really looking forward to this, and am hopeful it will be successful.
I know eventually I will be able to move on from baby steps and walk again. I believe the expression is, "(A) journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I am ready for this journey.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Something fun today
Today has been cold, windy, rainy with snow showers, overall a blah day. Even though the weather wasn't great I still had a good day. Today I did a few fun things and a few things I normally don't do. Today I went to the Isthmus Green Day - The People's Earth-Friendly Expo at Monona Terrace. Now I am in now way super green or 100% treat Mother Earth right ( I do what I can), so going to this, for those that know would would seem a bit out of character. Well, once they hear the reason why I went, then they will understand.
Today, the stars of Planet Green TV's series "The Fabulous Beekman Boys" were on hand to share their story about buying a farm, making goat cheese, and becoming farmers. (Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Dr. Brent Ridge, a couple). Josh is an author, of three great, funny books and Dr. Ridge is the in-house health expert on the "The Martha Stewart Show'. I went to get an autograph and too meet them (ok it helps that they are not only handsome, but very , very nice),
They gave a nice presentation and a good Q & A. The highlight was when they had the book signing after the presentation. I was forth in line, with Josh's latest book in hand, The Bucolic Plague. I only wish I had thought to bring my camera!! I was getting very, very nervous, as meeting new people, let alone famous new people, is something I don't usually do very well. I am rather shy or uncomfortable in these situations. They were very kind, and very polite. The whole process only took a few minutes, but they made you feel like it was just the three of you for those few minutes. josh recognized the book jacket from Insighout and they both asked how i was and I thanked them for sharing their lives on TV and in print.
I was in no way the only Mo there, I was in very good company. I walked around for a while, looked at few of the vendors and at a few of those in attendance, and got some free stuff as well. I was so glad I went, and was able to get my book signed and to meet Josh and Brent. It was something, fun, something outside my comfort zone and something just for me.
I also had walked around the Capitol Square before the book signing. I wanted to go to the first Farmer's market of the season, and beat the crowds that were planned for the Tea Party rally (with Sarah Palin- yippee) and the counter protest. I truly do hope this is not going to be the norm this summer, with dueling protests during the Farmer's Market (FM) Its great to speak your mind, and while this does sound selfish, I don't want it messing my trips to the FM. The crowds at the FM are big enough without a huge influx of protesters.
I also went to my favorite coffee house/restaurant, La Brioche on Univeristy Avenue. I had the same waitress as last Saturday and she recognized me. I have been trying to go most every Saturday now, for some tea and a bit to eat and some sort of treat. This is usually my one "cheat" or indulgence during the week. I generally tow the healthy eating line most of the time otherwise. This week, my indulgence was an oatmeal and raisin cookie, black bean and ham soup with bread and peppermint tea. I even wrote a bit in my journal while I enjoyed my leisurely meal.
Today was a fun day for me, and i am really going to make an effort to have more of these days. Tim's passing has made me aware of how fleeting life can be. and that one needs to take time the time to stop and smell the roses. I have been looking at my life and have been wondering if I am doing what i really want to. I am not going to quit work and fly off somewhere, but I will be taking vacations by myself now, volunteer more and find other hobbies pr ways to better enjoy the hobbies I already have.
I have always enjoyed this quote form Mame (the Lucille Ball version, NOT the Rosalind Russel version- for those in the know you will get what i mean). "Life is a banquet and most poor sons-a-bitches are starving to death". Ok I may have not quoted it exactly but you get what I mean. Don't be a gluten, but at least belly up to the buffet every so often. Don't be afraid to have the chocolate, the salad, the good stuff and the bad stuff, as life is fleeting. You only get one go around on the buffet of life, so make the most of it or get your monies worth.
Thank you
Today, the stars of Planet Green TV's series "The Fabulous Beekman Boys" were on hand to share their story about buying a farm, making goat cheese, and becoming farmers. (Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Dr. Brent Ridge, a couple). Josh is an author, of three great, funny books and Dr. Ridge is the in-house health expert on the "The Martha Stewart Show'. I went to get an autograph and too meet them (ok it helps that they are not only handsome, but very , very nice),
They gave a nice presentation and a good Q & A. The highlight was when they had the book signing after the presentation. I was forth in line, with Josh's latest book in hand, The Bucolic Plague. I only wish I had thought to bring my camera!! I was getting very, very nervous, as meeting new people, let alone famous new people, is something I don't usually do very well. I am rather shy or uncomfortable in these situations. They were very kind, and very polite. The whole process only took a few minutes, but they made you feel like it was just the three of you for those few minutes. josh recognized the book jacket from Insighout and they both asked how i was and I thanked them for sharing their lives on TV and in print.
I was in no way the only Mo there, I was in very good company. I walked around for a while, looked at few of the vendors and at a few of those in attendance, and got some free stuff as well. I was so glad I went, and was able to get my book signed and to meet Josh and Brent. It was something, fun, something outside my comfort zone and something just for me.
I also had walked around the Capitol Square before the book signing. I wanted to go to the first Farmer's market of the season, and beat the crowds that were planned for the Tea Party rally (with Sarah Palin- yippee) and the counter protest. I truly do hope this is not going to be the norm this summer, with dueling protests during the Farmer's Market (FM) Its great to speak your mind, and while this does sound selfish, I don't want it messing my trips to the FM. The crowds at the FM are big enough without a huge influx of protesters.
I also went to my favorite coffee house/restaurant, La Brioche on Univeristy Avenue. I had the same waitress as last Saturday and she recognized me. I have been trying to go most every Saturday now, for some tea and a bit to eat and some sort of treat. This is usually my one "cheat" or indulgence during the week. I generally tow the healthy eating line most of the time otherwise. This week, my indulgence was an oatmeal and raisin cookie, black bean and ham soup with bread and peppermint tea. I even wrote a bit in my journal while I enjoyed my leisurely meal.
Today was a fun day for me, and i am really going to make an effort to have more of these days. Tim's passing has made me aware of how fleeting life can be. and that one needs to take time the time to stop and smell the roses. I have been looking at my life and have been wondering if I am doing what i really want to. I am not going to quit work and fly off somewhere, but I will be taking vacations by myself now, volunteer more and find other hobbies pr ways to better enjoy the hobbies I already have.
I have always enjoyed this quote form Mame (the Lucille Ball version, NOT the Rosalind Russel version- for those in the know you will get what i mean). "Life is a banquet and most poor sons-a-bitches are starving to death". Ok I may have not quoted it exactly but you get what I mean. Don't be a gluten, but at least belly up to the buffet every so often. Don't be afraid to have the chocolate, the salad, the good stuff and the bad stuff, as life is fleeting. You only get one go around on the buffet of life, so make the most of it or get your monies worth.
Thank you
Friday, April 8, 2011
Day to day
Sometimes just getting through the day seems an impossible task. From the minute you wake up to the time you go to bed, it is a struggle to keep focused on the daily tasks and requirements of work, of life. You know or at least the norm is , that one needs to be at work, one needs to do the mundane things of life, the small tasks, the everyday things that before the loss, were almost, done on auto pilot. There is no auto pilot now, each mundane task taking incredible effort. You find yourself befuddled, your mind in the fog of grief, everything feels as if its in slow motion.
I know that most days I am trying to push back my memories, my pain and grief. I tell myself that I will think of these things later, I can't right now. There are a million things I need to get done, I can't take the time to experience my feelings, I can't cry right now. There are moments throughout the day when you need to do this, when you need to push back these feelings. But there are also times when you will need to deal with these feelings. Suppressing them is not the best way to deal with them not the best way to control them,
I worked really hard at suppressing these emotions at work and it worked for those moments when I needed to be focused. This suppression only made the times when I could or did let myself experience these emotions, more intense, more painful. The tears never seemed to end, the pain washing over me in wave upon wave. I have learned to try and let myself experience these emotions, these memories more frequently. Control of these emotions meant acknowledging them and paying them the appropriate attention. Control did not mean ignoring them or suppressing them for this only ended badly, making the hurt worse and more pronounced.
I, through therapy, have learned to pay proper attention to my emotions, specifically my feeling of loneliness. I was able to acknowledge it, describe it, work with it. It was described as an unhappy child. Ignoring it or telling it no only resulted in a tantrum, in pleas of, "pay attention to me, me ,me ..." By ignoring it, I wasn't controlling it, as it ended up controlling me, by overpowering me. There is an understanding now, and we both get what we need. I pay it attention when needed and I get through the day.
I know that most days I am trying to push back my memories, my pain and grief. I tell myself that I will think of these things later, I can't right now. There are a million things I need to get done, I can't take the time to experience my feelings, I can't cry right now. There are moments throughout the day when you need to do this, when you need to push back these feelings. But there are also times when you will need to deal with these feelings. Suppressing them is not the best way to deal with them not the best way to control them,
I worked really hard at suppressing these emotions at work and it worked for those moments when I needed to be focused. This suppression only made the times when I could or did let myself experience these emotions, more intense, more painful. The tears never seemed to end, the pain washing over me in wave upon wave. I have learned to try and let myself experience these emotions, these memories more frequently. Control of these emotions meant acknowledging them and paying them the appropriate attention. Control did not mean ignoring them or suppressing them for this only ended badly, making the hurt worse and more pronounced.
I, through therapy, have learned to pay proper attention to my emotions, specifically my feeling of loneliness. I was able to acknowledge it, describe it, work with it. It was described as an unhappy child. Ignoring it or telling it no only resulted in a tantrum, in pleas of, "pay attention to me, me ,me ..." By ignoring it, I wasn't controlling it, as it ended up controlling me, by overpowering me. There is an understanding now, and we both get what we need. I pay it attention when needed and I get through the day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)