Day to day

Sometimes just getting through the day seems an impossible task.  From the minute you wake up to the time you go to bed, it is a struggle to keep focused on the daily tasks and requirements of work, of life.  You know or at least the norm is , that one needs to be at work, one needs to do the mundane things of life, the small tasks, the everyday things that before the loss, were almost, done on auto pilot.  There is no auto pilot now, each mundane task taking incredible effort.  You find yourself befuddled, your mind in the fog of grief, everything feels as if its in slow motion. 

I know that most days I am trying to push back my memories, my pain and grief.  I tell myself that I will think of these things later, I can't right now.  There are a million things I need to get done, I can't take the time to experience my feelings, I can't cry right now.  There are moments throughout the day when you need to do this, when you need to push back these feelings.  But there are also times when you will need to deal with these feelings. Suppressing them is not the best way to deal with them not the best way to control them,

I worked really hard at suppressing these emotions at work and it worked for those moments when I needed  to be focused.  This suppression only made the times when I could or did let myself experience these emotions,  more intense, more painful.  The tears never seemed to end, the pain washing over me in wave upon wave.  I have learned to try and let myself experience these emotions, these memories more frequently.  Control of these emotions meant acknowledging them  and paying them the appropriate attention.  Control did not mean ignoring them or suppressing them for this only ended badly, making the hurt worse and more pronounced. 

I, through therapy, have learned to pay proper attention to my emotions, specifically my feeling of loneliness.  I was able to acknowledge it, describe it, work with it.  It was described as an unhappy child.  Ignoring it or telling it no only resulted in a tantrum, in pleas of, "pay attention to me, me ,me ..."  By ignoring it, I wasn't controlling it, as it ended up controlling me, by overpowering me.  There is an understanding now, and we both get what we need. I pay it attention when needed and I get through the day.