What has helped

During the past three months since Tim's death, I have been trying to find resources to help me with my grief.  Friends and family have been my rock and I can't sponsored by Outreach and Hospice Care. This group met every Thursday for two hours for a seven weeks.  The support provided here truly helped me to see first hand the varying degrees and nature of grief that people experience.  Grief truly is personal and is felt in so many different ways and on so many different levels.  The people that made up this group, were very kind and shared not only their stories of loss, but the steps and struggles experienced they experienced on their journey through grief.  I am very thankful for their support, kindness and insights.

I  have also been seeing a therapist, who has also been very instrumental in my processing of my grief and all its implications.  These conversations are helping me come to terms with my guilts, anger and my hurts.  I have been finding that grief is not only about the pain of loss, but all the other emotions are deeply affected as well. 

Guilt, in all its forms, is a big part of my grief.  Survivor guilt, guilt about having a good day, guilt about moving on, guilt for not having him in my thoughts at any given moment.   Being able to allow myself to be ok is hard to do when you feel so guilty.  It may sound a bit irrational but there is a constant and pervasive degree of guilt associated with my grief.  I know that in time these different guilts will fade and I will get to the point where it is ok to be ok.

Ok to be ok is when I can get through the day with more happy memories than sad memories.  Ok to be ok is when I can put myself out there again and find love.  Ok to be ok is when I no longer feel guilty if I don't think of him necessarily every day.  Ok to be ok is when I have found a place for Tim in my heart that allows me to live my life with his memory and where my life is not his memory.  Not sure if that makes sense to others but it is what works for me.

I know that all of this will take time and is an ever changing process.  There is no truly good or truly bad way to grieve.   I know that for me, bad grieving would be sitting on the couch every day, in the dark watching our wedding video over and over again.  I also know that good grieving is living every day as it comes  and making the best of that day.  I know that with the continued support of  friends and family and other resources I will be ok to be ok,