I am so very thankful for our dear friends and families, who helped during his hospitalization and helped with the funeral arrangements. They were the the shoulders I leaned on heavily in the days following his death. I can't even being to imagine how I would have made it through without them being there. Their strength, hand holding, tears and company made this as bearable as possible.
On December 2, 2010 I called an ambulance to take Tim to the ER at the University Hospital due to shortness of breath and a chronic migraine. He frequently had rather debilitating migraines, but this one was going on four days. I was unable to get him out of bed, as he was so weak and was just too much for me to get up and out to my car. He is 6 inches taller than myself and in that state was just too much for one person to help.
At the hospital ER, they performed all the necessary labs but were unable to find out much out until the next morning. They admitted him overnight, so at this point there was real cause for alarm. The next day they determined that he had a blood infection and urinary tract infection. They didn't know which one came first or if one lead to the other. They started with medications to help with the migraine, which never really went away the whole time he was hospitalized. They also started him on what would later be 6 different antibiotics.
Due to his medical history he was a slow to heal from infections or surgery. The concern would later become his heart. He had a stroke and a valve replacement 6 years prior, so the concern was that the infection would gravitate to the heart/valve area. The infection gravitated to this area and once there proved extremely difficult to remove. The infection could mean that the heart valve would have to be replaced, a surgery he had stated numerous times he never wanted again. The first surgery took him over two years to recover from.
The valve replacement surgery issue would be an ongoing concern through his hospitalization. The infection at this time would occasionally break off an go to the brain. To lessen this possibility they had him on blood thinners, which he was already taking daily. On December 14, a piece of the infection that had found its way to the brain sometime before, caused a massive aneurysm and stroke to the right side of his brain. A blood vessel on the right side of the brain "exploded" and had to be replaced.
That was the, what I thought, the worst day. The surgeon pretty much said that he might not survive after the surgery. Of course the world fell out from under me upon hearing this. I honestly thought I would loose him at this point. he was a fighter and made it through and was slowly recovering. It always felt that for every step forward he made, he ended up taking two back. The stroke left his left side mostly immobilized, specifically his left arm and leg.
He was making progress, some days he was very lucid and was very talkative. The week before Christmas he stopped talking all together, yet another step backwards. It may sound clique, but it was, for lack of a better description, a Christmas miracle, as the day after Christmas he started talking again. This was a very promising step forward, and all of use were very happy. I was a bit cautious in my optimism, as I waiting for the other shoe to drop. That would happen on December 31st.
During his hospital stay, I was going to the hospital before work, calling in for updates during the day and the coming back to the hospital after work, Somewhere in between I was keeping family and friends updated, taking care of my home and his as well. The last few weeks of December, I had to go to unpaid leave, with an altered work schedule, as I had no vacation time left. This allowed me to be there during rounds so I could get updates first hand.
December 31st, I had this nagging feeling all day that something wasn't right. I went to the hospital around 2 pm, and he was sleeping so let him sleep and left. I came back around 6:00 pm to find he had visitors. We talked for a while, as he was very agitated that day and was having trouble sleeping and his migraine was really bothering him. I left around 8:00 going home to do a few chores around my place try to catch up on some much needed sleep. I was doing laundry and missed the phone call from the hospital at 10:37 pm. I saw that the hospital had called and immediately panicked.
A Dr. had called stating that I needed to call her back right away. My heart was in my throat as I called her back, much like it as I write this now. She explained that he had stopped breathing and after 10 minutes of attempts at resuscitation, after consulting his Medical PA (power of attorney- his brother) they honored his wishes and instructions and stopped resuscitation efforts. He was pronounced dead at 10:37 pm.
I am still not sure how I was able to get dressed, call my friends to have them come to the hospital, and drive to the hospital. It was the most surreal 20 minutes of my life, for I had to be on autopilot, there is no other explanation. I fell apart from the minute I entered his room until my friends arrived an hour and a half later. I was able to say goodbye in that time, and I am very thankful for that. I was able to hold his hand and talk to him and was able to cry, all things I needed. I can't really say more about that time, as it was just too mind numbing.
I have been taking every day one at a time, having good and bad days and good and bad moments. I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve and every day is different from the next. I explained it like this to people: It is like a radio playing in the background. Some days it is so loud you can't help but hear it is is deafening. Other days you can hear it, and know its there, but can sort of tune it out. Other days you barley hear it at all, it's almost white noise.
I will try to post daily but then again I am not sure what will happen. I hope others feel comfortable posting and replying. Hopefully we can all help each other on our respective journeys through grief.
Thank you
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