Alone

Most nights, usually around 9:00, or right before bed, I talk withTim.  I stand in front of our wedding picture on the wall and have a conversation.  Most nights these conversations are about my day and what i have been doing. These conversations are helpful and I usually feel okay about them. Some of these conversations are very overpowering, tonight being one of those overpowering conversations.

Tonight's conversation ended up being about alone and lonely.  I am used to being alone or having alone time, we didn't usually see each other usually during the week, the weekend was  our time together.  I can deal with alone, just not alone and lonely.  These two together are very, very hard to deal with.  Alone is ok, lonely in not.  I am not saying that alone is always a good thing either, but it is better than lonely.  Being lonely, you have alone time but you don't have someone there to take away the alone times.  It is just yourself, and while fiends and family help, they do not fill the void that is lonely.

I am not sure how to best put it in words, but lonley is so raw, and harsh and emotional.  Not having that someone who you can turn too, that someone that made you so comfortable, that someone who was there when you needed them, hurts beyond teh capacity of words to express.  Lonelieness is on a slow simmer most days, but ocassionaly it boils over and burns as it washes over you.  Knowing that i no longer have him to go too, that part of my foundation is crumbled and gone, is very painful.    One can try very hard to minimize how lonelness affects them, but in the end, ast least for now , it always wins out.

Crying because you can no longer hear his voice, no longer hold his hand..these two are what gets me the most.  I loved holding his hand, while in the car, at home or at the movies. I felt connected and completed when we held hands.  Not being able to hear his voice on a a daily basis is also hard.  That fist day back at work, I insticntively reached for my phone to call him, something I always  did.  That whole evening was hard to get tthrough.  I have a few of his mesage from November on the phone, so I am not totally without his voice, but it is still not the same.

I will stop here for now, as it is late and this is still very hard to write about.