Stuff

In accepting the responsibility of being the Personal Representative of Tim's estate, I know that there would be a lot to do.  Cancelling credit cards, closing checking accounts, opening an estate account, paying bills, notify insurance companies, etc, were just a few things that had to be done.  In comparison to closing his condo, those were easy and relatively painless tasks.  The closing of the condo or basically the disposition of all his possessions has proven to be a huge undertaking.  It has been fraught with emotion, and is at times all consuming.  Let me better explain why and how.

Tim loved filling his home with items that struck his fancy.  He loved antiques, especially family antiques.  He had various types of collections, keys that adorned the walls of the kitchen; eggs, of all shapes and sizes and materials; toys and a collection of Legos that would have given any Legos store a run for its money.  He also. kept everything, and I mean everything.  I think I said this in an earlier blog, but he was a neat hoarder.  He had a place for everything and everything had a place,

The walls of every room were adorned with candle holders and pictures, small pictures, religious icons, family photos.  The walls were neatly filled, with hardly any free  or open space.  I appreciate his love of antiques and anything that caught his eye.  He for the most part had very good taste, and loved each and I have and continue to have help, as I know better than to go it alone.  I tried a few times to do it alone and i was just unable emotionally to do so.  If I plan on having a productive weekend at his place, I make sure to enlist help.

Packing his clothes was hard, even with the help of his brother and sister-in-law.  I didn't wash the laundry form before he went to the hospital until a few weeks ago.  I just couldn't bear to do it at the time.  I washed this laundry and the rest of his bedding and when done, immediately went to Good Will and donated it. It was so wired giving away his clothes, it did and still does fell like an ending.  I know it is, but to give those things away that he wore and touched every day was just, just.. well hard to do and hard to describe.

I know this has been mentioned in a  previous blog, but all of these items have at times upset me. Upset and left me angry at tom.  Its not that I wanted to be upset or angry with him, but I just felt so overwhelmed.  I was mad that he was gone and left me with so very much to do.  I had a hard time dealing with this anger, but I realized that it was ok to be mad or upset, as these were my true emotions.  I would get angry and tel him this, (I talk with Tim most nights and for now, review the day and how things are going, etc).and after I got it off my chest I felt better and could continue.

It amazes me how much stuff a person has at any given time in their life.  I have periodically purged my possessions as I don't want a tom of stuff, but even still I have a lot of things.  We all have stuff upon stuff that we have accumulated, some we know we have, some we forget we have.  I like simplicity or spareness, I don't like having what i would call clutter. This is not a judgment on others, it is just what works for me.

I have been able to make progress, and things are slowly being moved out.   There are now signs of progress, where a few weeks a go it still looked like nothing much had been done.  I know the day looms when all of his stuff will be disposed of and I lock the door one last time.  This day will be hard and hard fought to get to.  The stuff I had so much angst, real or imagined disposing of, will no longer need to be dealt with.  I am not sure how I will deal with that new reality.