Baby steps

Baby steps, that's how I have been getting through the days and weeks since Tim's death.  In the first weeks the baby step was just getting out of bed and going to work.  Work was a distraction and a necessary one those first few weeks.  I am not sure how I would have fared had I not had something to do for at least 8 hours a day.  I wasn't able to totally tune my thoughts of Tim out and focus on work. I may have been able to get through the work day, but coming home is when I would let the suppressed emotions of the day come through.  This worked for quite a while, until I was able to baby step to a grief group.

The next baby step was LGBT Grief Support group offered through Hospice care and Outreach.  Being able to get out one night a week and share my experiences was very helpful.  It gave me something to anticipate.  i used to anticipate the weekends when i would go over to Tim's.  Once that was no longer a reality, i needed something to latch on too, a safe harbor in the hurricane of grief. This group got me out of the house and back to interacting with people, people outside of work.  This baby step allowed me to take the next baby step, counseling.

I was able to find a very good counselor, who has helped me immensely, He has helped me to deal with my grief and loneliness and along the way come to some self realizations.  I was able to 'name' my grief and learn to pay it the proper attention.  I also came to realize that Tim's death has given me serious pause.  I have taken this pause to examine my life and where I in it.  I am not going to run off and join an ashram or anything like that, but I am taking stock my my life and what things are important to me.  This baby step has set me on a patch of many steps, a true journey of self discovery.

One of these new steps is to take a vacation by myself.  I will be going to Iowa City in late June and staying at a Bed and Breakfast.  I in part picked Iowa City as I could visit my family at the start of the vacation.  There is plenty to do and i have the time so I am just going to play it by ear and do what ever I want.  I would go to a movie or out to eat by myself but never a vacation by myself.  This is a way to spend time with myself and get comfortable with being by myself for a while.  If I can't stand my own company then I have much deeper issues.

This vacation also corresponds with our 1st wedding anniversary.  I haven't yet decided how to spend the day yet.  If his ashes are buried by then, will go to the cemetery in Brighton.  If his ashes are not buried yet, I think I will either have a picnic at Picnic Point (he and I did that a few times  last year) or possibly stay in and watch Casablanca, the movie we saw on our first date.   I think that having something that may or may not bring out my emotions is good, it will at least give me a time to wholly face my feelings and emotions of that day.  I am not dreading this day, I am just trying to be aware of what it will mean and how I might react to it.

Another baby step will be to volunteer at Outreach, possibly as a Peer Counselor or initially at least, helping stuff envelopes or committee work.  I am also working with a friend on starting a social group for those that have lost a spouse/partner.  This group it is hoped will get people out in the community  again and give them a chance to interact with those in a similar situations.  We hope to have our first such get together in June.  I am really looking forward to this, and am hopeful it will be successful. 

I know eventually I will be able to move on from  baby steps and walk again.  I believe the expression is, "(A) journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  I am ready for this journey.