I was down stairs getting clothes from the dryer and missed the hospital calling. Th voice mail told me to call the hospital right away. My heart fell to my stomach at that moment, as a ting of fear washed over me. I took a deep breath and called back, the Dr. explained that Tim had suffered a massive stroke/heart attack. They were resuscitating him for almost 20 minutes, when the realized they had to call his medical power of attorney, his brother Pete, who informed them of Tim's wishes to not be resuscitated. She tells me that he died at 10:37. I was in a state of utter shock, and I believe I said No! and then said Fuck..words were hard to get out and even think of at this moment. She asked if I needed a cab called and I momentarily was able to pull it all together and say no and that I was on my way. More swearing as I frantically changed clothes, I made a call to Sharon to see if she could come to the hospital. She was in Waukesha and while would come if needed, suggested I call Rod & Jimmy as they were closer (Janesville). I called and Rod answered, and through tears I explained that Tim had died and thankfully he took over the conversation, asking if I wanted them to come up. I said yes.
I was able to get changed, and thankfully my, what I call auto pilot kicked in and helped me pull it together to function enough to drive to the hospital, get past security, into the elevator and to his room. I was meet by his nurses, who gave me a hug and let me into the room. From that moment on, I was a crying basket case. I had over an hour and a half alone with Tim, before Rod and Jimmy got to the hospital. I cried and cried and just paced and paced, only sitting when I felt like I would just collapse. I have never shed so many tears in my life up to that point, and while I would like to say I won't ever again, I know I will.
I was able to hold his hand, which and this is what finally got me to leave, his hand was still warm but by stated getting cold. I couldn't stay after that started happening, so as part of my goodbye I kissed him and kissed his hand one more time. I was glad to have had that time with him, as I know it helped me with saying goodbye.
It does seem so surreal those moments, especially those right after finding out he had died, and it still amazes me I did it. It is amazing the way the mind and body can take work together to allow you to work though and get done what needs to be done. That I wasn't collapsed on the floor in a puddle of my own tears, incapacitated by grief, is a testament to the body's auto pilot as I call it. Mind numbing pain and grief and soul crushing anguish is perhaps the best way to describe what I felt those moments, days and months after his death. It was the support of friends and family that helped me get those first days and then every day after. I honesty have no idea how I would have got through all of this with out all of them
If someone had told me in January that I would be able to get through 12/31, I would have said they were crazy. But here it is 12/31 and I am ding ok. What ever I feel feel, and however i react is fine. I am not anxious about how I will fell nor do I feel guilty that I am not crying right or inconsolable. I am grieving as I should, in my own way and in the manner I choose.
I have taken time today to reflect on the day and on Tim. I am truly happy for having been a part of his life and he a part of mine. While our time together was short, it is time I wouldn't trade fr anything and would glady do over, even though I know the outcome. I found love and and so thankful for that. Tim will always have a special place in my heart, filled with his love and my memories.
I love you Tim.
Thanks for sharing, my partner Steve passed away in June so it's been just over six months but, seeing others pulling through gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteThanks you and much love to you xxx Mark xxx