Birthday

Today is my birthday and I didn't really mark the occasion. I would usually have dinner with friends, but I really didn't feel like that this year.  I did, what has become my normal ritual: sit outside at Starbucks, have a grande Iced coffee with vanilla syrup and read a book or write in the journal. Today I did splurge and had the chocolate grahams, my birthday cake I guess. My friends and family called with birthday greetings and my coworkers got me a card.  Aside from the greetings and cards it was pretty much a regular day.

It is funny how much changes in a year.  A year ago Tim and I were in Dubuque the weekend before by birthday.  We stayed in Dubuque, going to Galena and then driving around the area looking at antique stores.  I remember it was a rather chilly weekend last year, I thought we would both freeze while on the haunted Galena night trolley tour.  We really did enjoy Dubuque have spent the weekend of our wedding there as well.  Tim left the Mystic Casino ahead $200, thanks to the Village People nickel slot machine. (I know go figure - the gays pay or at least reward their own ). 

I think this of course is why in part I didn't really feel like celebrating the birthday this year.  Now in all fairness, after the 40th, I have been sort of blah about my birthday.  This year it really felt like any other day. Maybe by my 45th I will feel like celebrating.  I have said that either by my 45th or on my
45th birthday, I will have a tattoo.  Now said tattoo will be no larger than a half dollar, will be a smiley face and will be on my right shoulder or upper right back area.  No bleeding harts or tribal signs, etc., never cared for that at all.  Piercing my right ear was my "mid-life crisis" or just a late 38th birthday present to myself.  the tattoo by age 45 will mark the close of what ever "mid-life crisis" I may be feeling.

Well not much else to say here regrading my birthday, and my non-celebration, I will part with some sage words (I did use this one before on a friend's birthday card, so yes it does look familiar).

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Jack Benny

Eat, Pray, Love

I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love:  One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I had seen the movie last year and really enjoyed it, and had a friend highly recommend the book. The book is divided into three sections, Eat (Italy), Pray (India) and Love (Indonesia).  I enjoyed Eat, was rather bored with Pray and was mixed about Love.

Eat, was fun, upbeat, and delicious.  Traveling around Italy and Rome sounded exciting, almost intoxicating. Elizabeth described the food and the people, her experiences in such detail and in such a fashion as it made you feel you were there eating the delicacies as well and hanging out with her friends.  I almost wish this section of the book could have gone on for another 200 pages.  I am truly a sucker for a nice travel essay or travel memoir.

 Now in all fairness, the Pray part did have some rather uplifting stuff and it did give me pause on occasion. The real issue for me about this section was that it seemed a bit, well preachy is not exactly the right word.  It was a bit too ethereal, and yes I suppose it should be as it is talking about the spiritual realm, but it was to much for me.  I am not a really religious person, having checked out of the Catholic Church and organized religion as a whole,  a long time ago and have my own beliefs about "God", good and evil, karma, the after life, etc.

Love, well love is pretty much about learning to love others and to let others love you, but at the same time knowing what kind of love is right for you. This is a game of chance, but if one knows who they are this leads to knowing what you like, and what you want for others and a relationship. Love can me messy sure, loving oneself and others can be hard to do, but not impossible and ca be very rewarding on so many levels.

I am glossing over a lot here, and in no way am doing the book justice, but I will say I enjoyed her writing style and the messages found through out the book.  To me, Eat was about enjoying life, sampling it, and sampling it often.  It is important to let go once in a while and enjoy lifer and all its delights with wild abandon. To do nothing and enjoy it, or as the Italians say,  Il bel far niente (the beauty of doing nothing).  Pray was about getting in touch with your self and learning to appreciate how unique you are and that we each have our own spirituality. One should take time to listen to themselves and be comfortable with oneself, for loving oneself goes a long way to leading a life of contentment and hopefully happiness.

Heer are a few things from the book that I rather enjoyed: 

You were given life, it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight

...the appreciation of pleasure can be an anchor of one's humanity

I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you

The last one, was the one I truly enjoyed.  This was something she wrote in a journal that she kept and would often refer back to when she was depressed and dealing with more than she wanted to or could handle.  It I think is the summation of the book, in a nice simple phrase. Love yourself, respect yourself, help yourself and be there for yourself (the rest will fall into place).

All of this is following with my last post about finding the beautiful in life as well as finding the happy.  Sure, some days I am not looking for beauty and am in no way happy, but this is something to aspire to and to work on or work at.  This book helped clarify a few things and gave me hope, the hope and aspiration to find the beauty within myself and within the world around me. 

Happy days

I have had this song in my head off and on again since I heard it online a while ago.  It is Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again, and is actually to borrow from Wikipedia: "Happy Days", in medley with Judy Garland's "Get Happy" (as originally performed in duo by Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland in the 1960s), was used in the 2010 episode Duets of TV show Glee, performed by actors Lea Michele and Chris Colfer.  Ok I will admit, do I watch Glee no, have I seen the video on YouTube, yes.  Does this mean I am now watching Glee no, I still pretty skip most television.  That aside, I do enjoy the combination of these songs.  When I hear either version, Streisand/Garland or Michele/Colfer, I due feel happier.  This song truly does bring a smile to my face and to my heart.

One talks about getting ready for the "promised land" while the other is a message of happiness.  Both are upbeat in their composition, happy Days of course the most upbeat and happy of the two.  I think the song makes me happy as it reminds me that there is happiness out there, and it is attainable. Granted one is about dying and moving on to the afterlife, but it is something one should be happy about as (well now one has to believe in God and heaven , but we won't address that here) you are going to a good place.

The second song tells you to forget your troubles and be happy. That of course is not always an easy thing, for anybody on any given day, and for me more so lately.  But I think it strikes an optimistic chord, a chord I need to gar a hold of and not let go.  I have stated that the past few weeks or so have been a bit hard, not unmanageable, just some days better than others.  I am working on embracing the many positives in my life and trying to see the happiness that is out there in the world. 

I have been taking more pictures lately, trying to capture that which makes me happy, or is beautiful or pretty to me.  I am reading happy books for now and enjoying the endorphins that my exercise provides.  Being able to find the happiness I know is out there isn't easy sure, but the more I work at it the more I realize that it is out there and out there in spades.  One just has to take the time to see it, to breathe it in, to stop and enjoy. 

I will continue in my pursuit of happiness and do my best to find it and cultivate it over the next few months.  With this song as my soundtrack, I have the motivation to find the happy.

Get Happy/ Happy Days Are Here Again

Forget your troubles, happy days

C'mon get happy are here again

You better chase all your cares away

(The skies above are clear again)

Shout hallelujah, so let's sing a song

C'mon get happy of cheer again

Get ready for the judgment day

(Happy days are here again)

The sun is shining, come on get happy

Shout it now there's no one

The lord is waiting to take your hand

Who can, doubt it now

Shout hallelujah, so let's tell the world

And just get happy about it now

We're going to the promise land

(Happy days are here again)

We're heading cross the river

Soon you case when I'll be gone

There'll be no more from now on

From now on

Forget your troubles

Happy days

And just get happy

Are here again

You better chase all your blues away

(The skies above are clear again)

Shout hallelujah

So let's sing a song

And just get happy of cheer again

Happy times, happy times

Happy nights, happy nights

Happy days are here again

Reflections

Without getting too deep into the topic, the ten year anniversary of 9/11/01 gave me pause, for various reasons and on various levels.  I found myself watching way too many YouTube videos and news stories about anniversary observances, and archival images and footage from the 2001.  Seeing the family members talk about their loved ones and their loss, brought Tim's passing sharply into focus once a again.  The loss of a loved one, no mater the circumstances of their death, is hard and is something one never truly gets over.  Not that getting over it is truly possible, as its not getting over  a loss, but rather is learning to live with the loss, to move forward.  Time may help take some of the edge of of the hurt, but it never heals all wounds.  That is a nice sentiment, that while cliche, does if nothing helps people cope and get through the days, months, years after a loss.

I spent a lot of time this past weekend reflecting on Tim, our time together and his passing.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, this time of year is a time for remembrance. I know that each passing day is getting closer to December 31st, and while some days that really weighs on my mind, other days it promotes happy moments.  I know that each day will bring good, bad and in between moments, moments I will deal with when and as they come.  I am prepared as much as one can be to live with these moments, and all the emotions that go with them 

I do miss his voice, his laugh , his touch.  I do have three voice mail message from November that I was able to copy to my laptop, so I do have his voice, which is a source of comfort. He had a good laugh, a laugh to go with his wit and self depreciating humor.  I wish I had that to listen too again and again, but  sadly I do not.  His touch, well that can't be saved and played back, so I am left with just the visual images of his holding my hand, him lying next to me.  His hands were somewhat rough, but they felt comforting and I could find solace in them. Being able to feel his wedding ring when I held his hand , is something I will always remember and miss terribly. 

This was not quite what I imagined I would be posting but, this what came out.  I don't think I need a topic per sec when I am posting, but lately I really haven't know what to write, or what I wanted to say. I do want this blog to evolve and be become more.  Now what that evolution will entail, I am not sure, but I have a few ideas of times I want to include and add, and see this blog to be about not only my journey through grief but also abut my life and all that that is. 

I guess this blog and my life are open, its like starting over, the pages blank, the future open and unwritten, it only takes that first word to get started......

Forgetting to remember

The past few weeks as I have mentioned previously, I have been finding myself thinking of Tim a lot.  Seeing the back to school sales reminds me that school is starting once again, this being the first full school year were he won't be teaching.  The calendar is reminding me that it is almost Fall, his favorite season.  The tree across the street was always his favorite, as it turns the most vibrant shade of orange.

Fall means Halloween, a holiday he so enjoyed decorating for, decorations that were a bit too creepy/gross for my taste.  He had cut out what seemed like hundreds, of black bats that he stuck to the ceiling.  He had rats and bugs and severed limbs and spiders everywhere.  Halloween meant that he would be getting Salem's Lot from the library again. He would listen to this  as he (us on the weekends) went to bed at night.   I may not have head it all from beginning to end, but I heard enough to know how it ends and to avoid small New England towns. Fall also means Thanksgiving, and the remembering of our first and last Thanksgiving together (he usually went home and I went to a friend's) at his parents house, eight days before he went to the hospital (12/02). 

Each passing day and month gets closer and closer to not only Christmas but New Years Eve.  Christmas was his holiday, he decorated every inch of his condo, with garland, bows, nutcrackers, ornaments, nativity scenes (he always had a huge Nativity scene in front of the TV, with enough animals for 5 arks), lights, festive candle rings, etc.  I will miss not having at least 25 presents or more to wrap for him this year.  I always joked that I felt like I was in a  wrapping paper sweat shop due to the number of presents I had to wrap. ( I had the paper cuts to prove it).  We would watch the various black and white versions of Scrooge (Alister Simms' version was his favorite) over and over again. I usually begged for anything else by the third viewing.  I am not sure I could get through them now, and probably won't watch them for a very long time if I do.

I know that for now at least, I really won't be celebrating Christmas.  I won't necessarily be skipping Christmas, but I will not be openly celebrating it either.  I will give gifts but really I don't want any and won't be decorating for it either.  I just want to get through this holiday season with minimal celebration and remembrance.  I really just need a Christmas of not celebrating to get back in the mood of celebrating.  I just don't feel the need to openly embrace the holiday season this year.  I am not depressed about it, I just am not really in the mood for it.

I won't comment on New Years Eve yet, as I am not sure how  want to spend that day or that evening.  I am not really looking forward to remembering that day right now anyway.  I just want t get through December the best I can.  I am not thinking it will be easy or  hard or a good or bad month, I am just hoping right now to get through it.  It will be what it will be I guess.

I guess this post can be about forgetting to remember or remembering to forget.    Some memories I enjoy remembering and others I would choose to forget.  I try to keep busy enough to not remember, but then again also try and remember at least the happy moments.  This is not easy to do and at times is down right hard to do.  I am trying to take it as it comes and do try to at least acknowledge my feelings and let them play out.    One can only  remember the past, get through the present and hope for the future.

Courage

Tonight, I went with Sharon to see the movie, The Help. This movie, based on the book of the same title, for those that may not know is,  "A 1960s-era Mississippi debutante sends her community into an uproar by conducting a series of probing interviews with the black servants behind some of her community's most prominent familiesI had heard good reviews of this movie. (MSN Entertainment) It is also about personal courage, doing the right thing and being true to ones self. 

The fact that people were thought of by many as just the help and then not treated very well, is very sad and disturbing.  That people lived under those conditions and then found the courage to stand up ad say enough is enough is encouraging and uplifting.  The movie helped to show how people find it with in themselves to learn who they are and to be a better person for this new found self awareness.

This movie, surprisingly fits well into this weekend here in Madison.  This weekend is Capital Pride, a celebration of equality and diversity in Madison.  The movie and Pride, bot highlight the struggle and courage one needs to be self aware, and personal freedom.  Today's acceptance was won by those who scarified their lives and personal freedoms, and took a stand to say in their loudest voice, that i am a person and I deserve to be treated equally for I am a person, just like you. 

This may be a bit soap boxy, but it is refreshing to see a positive story, an uplifting story, about personal courage.  I have yet to read the book, but based on what i saw of the movie, they had a great story to start with.  The movie had its funny parts and its sad parts.  I wont give anything away here, so you will have to read the book and or see the movie.  I surprisingly didn't cry, as I tend to do anytime there is a sad part in a movie.  I did laugh though, and was deeply touched by some scenes.  The actresses did a wonderful job portraying these characters.  I felt as though I knew them and felt for them, and that is a lot to achieve in two hours.  Kudos to everyone who helped bring about the book and the movie. 

I left feeling a bit, well uplifted.  I don't feel like I could set the world on fire, but I did fell better about myself.  I fell a bit more empowered and happy for being myself.  Granted, I am a  work in progress, but I was reminded that courage comes in many forms and is within all  of us.  We just need to be true to ourselves and let our courage shine through. 



Ready to take a chance again

I had  a post almost completed a few days ago , and somehow managed to screw it up and it wasn't posted or saved.  The first post looked pretty good so my hope is that this one will as well.

I, until a few weeks ago, was in a good place emotionally.  I had gotten through the closing of the condo, the burial of the ashes, Tim's birthday and our wedding anniversary, all within the space of a few weeks.  Things seemed to be going pretty, until a few weeks a go, when I noticed my irritability increasing, I was becoming very impatience with everything and everybody.  I was tired and basically crabby, and was having trouble sleeping through the night.  I did my best to get through the days as best I could, but it was getting harder with each passing day.

I ended up going back to see my therapist, and am working on his recommendation of Mindfulness.  I have been reading some books on the topic and am trying to see how to include it in my daily life. I  picked up were I left off in The Happiness Project and am writing in my journal again. have also joined a MeetUp book club here in Madison that meets once a month. I am still toying with the idea of taking a class as well, but so far have not found anything of interest yet. All of these are helping along with trying to establish a more structured daily/weekly/monthly routine.

 I have no real structure and without it I am feeling a bit drift less and somewhat without purpose. I am dealing with being alone and not having the kind of companionship I would like right now, but its this lack of purpose or direction that I am truly struggling with.  I was pretty much coasting from the 'high" of the time consuming, busy work on Tim's estate, the clearing of the condo, etc.  That "high' has worn off and now I am struggling to find a purpose a direction, a structure , a routine. I would like some of this by the end of the year as  I don't want to go into December without something to distract, preoccupy, or to busy myself with.  Having structure and a routine will help get through the holidays and the anniversary of his death.

All of this activity and attempts to find purpose remind me of how I ended my last post, saying how I was Ready to Take a Chance Again, finding inspiration from another of Barry Manilow's songs.  This song may not totally relate to my situation but its theme does, being taking ready to take a chance, a new direction, etc.   This chance and how I take it will be an interesting change, a change I am looking forward to.  I close once again with the words of Barry Manilow.



Ready to Take a Chance Again

You remind me I live in a shell,
Safe from the past,
and doing' okay,
but not very well.
No jolts, no surprises,
No crisis arises:
My life goes along as it should,
it's all very nice,
but not very good.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,
Ready to put my love on the line with you.
Been living with nothing to show for it;
You get what you get when you go for it,
And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.
When she left me in all my despair,
I just held on,
My hopes were all gone.
Then I found you there.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again
Ready To Take A Chance Again with you,
With you.