Gone but not gone....

Not really sure what to post here, felt like I should post something but as my emotions and feelings are all over the place, I wasn't sure if I could pull something together.  A dear friend of mine and I were talking the other day and the topic of Tim came up.  They mentioned how it still doesn't seem real that he is gone.  I think this is in part due to the fact it happened so fast and was not really expected.  (Those that knew of his condition knew this day may come sooner than later- just not no soon).  He was only in the hospital for 29 days and was at least in some measure making improvement.  That he came back as much as he did after 3 weeks after the first stroke and surgery is pretty amazing. 

I have days were I don't think about him being gone, as in part I just feel as if he is home at this parents place (when he went there we didn't have the chance to talk much) and that we will be talking again soon.  the other day I was on may way to the store after work and for a moment thought: I need to call Tim while i have a minute before i get to the store.  Of course I had to pause for a second and realize that I couldn't do that.  I have yet to take his phone number off my contacts list on my phone.    That won't happen for a while, I am not any where near being ready for that yet.

As i have mentioned before, as very day passes the anniversary of his death gets closer and there are constant reminders of him all around.  He loved fall and all its colors, especially Sugar maple trees.  He enjoyed Sugar maple across the street from my apartment building.  It alwasy turns the most vibrant of oranges.  He loved Halloween, almost as much as he loved Christmas.  I due try and avoid the Halloween stuff when I am at Walmart, as seeing it I would think about what Tim would have liked and what he might have bought.  There are also some super eager stores that have Christmas stuff already, yet another section to avoid, at least for this year.  My ornament buying will take a holiday this year. 

We I will visit his grave once more this year, hopefully yet this month or early next month.  I will take some Christmas flowers and sit for a bit and talk with him.  I don't go often as it is a 2 hour ride one way, so 4 hours round trip.  Plus I truly can talk to him anywhere which I will do sometimes.  I do want to make sure I take flowers and make sure the marker is clean.  I don't plan on being there on 12/31, that is not part of my plan for that day, at least for now anyway.

Sugar maple near apartment