Anniversary

Sunday was our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  I knew this day was coming and tried to plan some what accordingly.  I went on vacation or took time off to get away.  I went to Iowa City and stayed at a very nice  B & B.  While there, I wet to a few antique stores to kill some time.  At each one I was reminded of Tim, seeing things I knew he would have liked and or bought.  Just being in the antique shops was a reminder, as he loved these places.  My interest was spent after 10 minutes or a brief walk through, but he could stay for hours and look at everything. 

I have never taken a vacation by myself so it was a bit odd, nice at times but odd.  I did feel alone at times, wishing I had him with me. He would have enjoyed the Old State Capitol and the Hebert Hoover  Presidential Library and Museum. He would have totally enjoyed talking with Ray and Shirley, the owners of the B & B.  He could talk to anyone and loved doing it.  It is odd, eating by yourself and being a solitary tourist.  I did enjoy my vacation and while it was nice to be on my own, it did have its down side as I mentioned before.

On Sunday, I left Iowa City and drove straight to the cemetery in Kanasville.  It took almost 5 hours so I had a lot of time to think.   It was a very nice and sunny day on Sunday, so the cemetery looked very nice.  The maker of the headstone had the footing for it dug out. I think they should have it placed sometime by August.  I took flowers that matched those we used at the wedding.  I cleared a few small sticks off the ground around his burial plot.   Someone had put a solar powered cross that I will light up at night, assuming it will be a white light, but it may glow in colors. 

I placed the flowers off to the side of his grave, and stayed to talk to him for a while.  I had the original wedding ring re-sized and polished for our anniversary.  I wore both of my wedding rings on Sunday.  I wished him happy anniversary and told him how much I missed him and how it still doesn't seem real that he is no longer here.   I would like to say I felt his presence that day at the grave, but I did and didnt'  By that I mean I know he was there with me in some capacity maybe just not in a tangible way.  There was no sudden breeze or butterfly or passing bird, just quite and sun, and that may have actually been him. 

I cried and cried some more, going to the car at one point thinking I was ok to go and realized I wasn't ready so I went back to the grave.  I just stood there, letting my emotions wash over me and at one point felt relief, and knew it was now ok to go.  I kissed my hand and placed it on the grave, said one last good bye and left.  I watched his grave get smaller in the rear view mirror, feeling both a sense of peace and sadness.  This was just one more step on my journey through grief.  This was a  step of remembrance, sadness, peace and of closure.

I end this blog with the lyrics to our wedding song , LOVE by John Lennon:

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you, you and me
Love is knowing we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved


Happy Anniversary Tim.

Wedding rings

Closure

A week ago today, we buried Tim's ashes at the church he attended as a child growing up in Kanasville.  It was a day that was long in coming and, at least for me, the final closure.  I often wondered how that day would play out, and honestly it went better than I had imagined.    I think what has made this easier for me was that it wasn't really Tim.  While yes it was his physical remains, it wasn't his spirit or it wasn't his essence that which made him who he was.  That Tim will always be with me in my thoughts and memories, always remembered for the kind, wickedly funny, caring man that he was. 

The day was hot, but thankfully there was a breeze.  The priest was half an hour late as he forgot he had the burial that day.  I ended up holding the urn throughout the grave side service.  It was  heavy and getting heavier as the service continued.  When it came time to place the urn in the ground, the priest asked me if I wanted to do it or if I would rather he did it.  I let him as I was afraid I might drop it as my arms were "rubbery" from having held it so long.  He placed the urn and let anyone who wanted, sprinkle holy water over the grave. This is something I chose not to do, the family doing it instead.

Prior to the service, I had wanted to take some of the ashes out to spread them in accordance with his wishes.  Unfortunately I was unable to get the urn opened.  I had planned on placing a small mini bottle of alcohol and  two cigarettes inside.  After Tim had his initial stroke six years ago and the surgery after, he wasn't really able to drink anymore.  He smoked the occasional cigarette, which I used to joking tell him, that I didn't mind just as long as he only bummed no ore than two at anyone time. 

Not being able to put these items in the urn we, his cousin, a niece, myself and his friend, waited until the rest of the family was gone we had our own small service.  I poured the Sky vodka over the urn and I dropped in two cigarettes.  I threw some dirt over the urn and wished him well.  I thought it was a nice touch as now he could drink what he wanted and smoke what he wanted, or a least two cigarettes.

I really wasn't emotional that day, and that really doesn't bother me.  I thought I might get e bit choked up, but the fact that I didn't is ok too.  I am really in a good place right now, not to say i won't pr haven't cried or thought or him often.  I just feel ok about being ok, that I have more happy memories now rather than sad memories.  I am not sure what the future may hold, in regards to how I will deal with our wedding anniversary later this month or the anniversary of his death in December.  I do know that I will deal with them as they come and make the best of them.  If those days mean no-stop crying or reminders of happy moments, then so be it.  I know that I am in a good place now to handle those moments no matter what they mean.

I am glad that this final closure has come to pass.  I can't imagine that it is now over six months since his death, the estate is almost settled, his condo is empty, and we have buried his ashes/  if you had told me 3 months ago that all of this would come to pass, I honestly wouldn't have believed you.  those were dark days and the future from that perspective was just as dark and foreboding.  Grief auto pilot only takes one so far. Getting through each day takes a lot of effort and while at times seems unbearable and impossible to get through, it does get more bearable and the impossible becomes the possible. 

I am reminded of a quote (I forget from where and by who) that sums up this ongoing journey.  "You are a creation with the unbelievable power to weather life's toughest storms."  This is such a powerfully true statement.  Life has its ups and downs, but we truly have the ability to carry on even through the darkest of days and persevere.  While this has been hard, I wouldn't have traded the time I did have with Tim for anything.  I often would tell him two things: I know what I am getting into and am ok with that (in regards to his health issues) and I would rather have 5 years with you than never to have had any time with you.   He was worth every minute and bettered my life in ways I will probably never fully realize.

Long week

I haven't written in a while, in part due to laziness, lack of time and lack of desire.I wanted to comment on a few things that happened this week. I will write more after the burial of his ashes tomorrow, but there were other things from this week that warranted comment.

 I started the week by removing the final items from Tim's condo, and locking the door one last time.  Walking through the empty condo just didn't seem right. I was glad to have the work done, but at the same time sad that I no longer have the one physical connection to him. I will no longer be able to  bitch about no close parking stalls, climbing the two flights of stairs to his place or seeing the front door I knew so well.  I cried as I did one final walk through taking pictures of his now empty condo.  The closing and locking of his door was a closure, a necessary one, yet that doesn't make it any easier.

Tuesday the 31st was the 6 month anniversary of Tim's death.  that day thankfully, for the most part, past relatively easily. I was busy at work so that helped and had a few other things going on, so I was distracted.  It did hit me though later as I was talking to Tim's picture, something I haven't been doing much of lately. I started and crying and kept crying for maybe half an hour or so.  I knew this was building and was due, so this didn't come as too big a surprise to me.

Today would have been Tim's 46th birthday.  I would normally have picked him up after work and gone to a friends place to celebrate, as the friend and he shared a birthday.  I would have made a German chocolate cake with coconut frosting and had gifts as well to take tonight.  This is how we had celebrated his birthday the past few years. I really haven't had  anyway, a Happy Birthday and gave him a kiss.  He really wasn't a big birthday celebrator, always in awe by how much emphasis I placed on my birthday and the planing of its celebration.  I have not really been that into my birthday now that I am on the back side of 40 and once again single.  It for now is just another regular day.

Tomorrow as I stated earlier, is the burial of Tim's ashes in Kansasville.  Jimmy and I are going as I knew I couldn't go alone and I think he wants to go as well.  I am keeping busy by getting things ready so I am again distracted for a while.  I am sure it will be a tear filled and emotional day.  I will take it as it comes, that is all I can do.  This truly is the final act of closure.  I have known this day would come and needed to come.  I did push for it to be earlier than later, and it did correspond with the closing of his condo.

I need this closure no matter how much it might hurt.  I have said my goodbyes before but this will be a final goodbye.  I will continue talking to him of course and visiting him, but this burial will be the last major thing that needs to happen.  I will be better able to carry on and to move on now that he will bee laid to rest.  Putting those ashes in the car for the ride to Kanasville will be hard.  It seems as if I was just bringing them here, even though that was almost five months ago.  The time has passed quickly since his death, although some days felt like an eternity.

I will share more after the burial when I am able to.

Tim's front door

Closure

As  I have mentioned previously, I have been making progress on Tim's condo, so much so there is an echo now.  I have given myself a new goal now, to have everything out by the end of May.  The biggest reason for this push,  is that the date for the burial of his ashes i,  as of this blog, set for June 4th.  This will not complete closure is a very importantpart of the closure process.  June 4th, is the day after what would have been his 46th birthday and is thankfully before our wedding anniversary.  I say thankfully as I really wanted the condo and burial done before that date and it looks as if that is now going to happen.  I was also hoping he was buried by then so that come June 26th, I could go to the cemetery and be with him that day.

All of this means of course that there is a lot of work to get done, and there will probably be a lot of emotional issues to deal with as well.  I do think that at least until his burial, that I should be distracted enough and busy enough to not get too overwhelmed.  granted the day I close and lock his door for the last time is going to be very difficult, but I also now it is a very important part of the grief and closure process.

I have had Tim's ashes at my place since after the funeral so its not like I haven't had him around at least in some capacity.  Even this urn at least for me, is not Tim and I think that makes coping easier.  I honestly hardly even notice that the urn is here, it is almost background.  I have our wedding picture that I can and have focused on, that being more real or feels more like Tim.  having said all of this, i am sure that the urn will take on a new meaning at the cemetery.

I will admit that even at the funeral, I didn't feel as though it was Tim I was seeing.  Tim or the man I knew as Tim was not in the casket or is now in an urn, for he is around and yet not around.  I feel and see him yet don't feel or see him.  I am not religious person, as I have more own ideas about the afterlife and how things continue,  By saying Tim is all around yet not around, is my way of saying he is a part of me, and a part of us all, even though he is not here physically anymore.  we each carry Tim with us every day each in our own special way.

I am somewhat glad I will be busy this month as the distractions will help I am sure, help get me through the next few weeks.  This I know to all be part of the grieving process, and that  there will be some closure.  The condo will be closed, Tim's ahes will be buried and his birthday will have come as well.  All of these are important steps and while they are necessary , it of course doesn't make them easy, it just makes them easier to live with.

Legos

I had another post ready to go and screwed it up so I am writing a more brief one. 

It will be four months on Sunday since Tim died.  That has been on my mind a lot these past few days.  I have had a few moments of crying that came out of nowhere.  I have had to stop, and force a few memories aside in order to get through the moment, let alone the day.  I think part of this, aside from the anniversary, is the progress on his condo.  Enough progress has been made that you can now hear an echo.  I honestly never thought that would come to pass.  i was, just a month a go unsure how i would get everything out, feeling totally overwhelmed.  her it is a month later and it is now looking rather stark n some spots.   Some furniture has been removed and those ho;es are hard to look at some times.

The big hole, not just physically, but emotionally will be the removal of his Legos castle.  I had emailed the Madison Children's Museum, too see if they might have a need for it.  they emailed me back this week saying they would definitely like it, so next week they will be coming to take it.  I am not sure how easily we will be able to move it as it is big and heavy, but we will do what we can.

That castle has always been a apart of his condo and our relationship.  The first year and a half of our dating , the castle was in the living room near the TV.  This was fine for him as when he sat on the couch, other resting in front of, for he was tall enough to see over it.  I on the other hand being shorter only saw the top third of the movies we watched.  I know he wasn't totally sold on the ideas of moving it, but bless his heart he did.  He had worked very hard on that, having the right small accessories to go with it, and you can tell that he truly put his heart into it. 

I know he will be very happy to know that children could earn form his creation and get some enjoyment out of it as well.  His other Legos have been dispersed all over town, to schools, community centers and to children directly.  I am very glad that i was able to share a part of him with so many others, whether they realize it or not.  I will be closing with pictures form our mall of America trip from 2009. they had giant Legos outside and Legoland inside. talk abut a kid in a candy store, it was the highlight of the trip for him. 




Mall of America 2009

 


Legoland- Mall of America 2009



Pictures

The other day, I finally picked up some pictures form or last trip together and pictures of the funeral flowers.  We had gone to Dubuque and Galena in October of last year in part as a small honeymoon and for my birthday.  We had seen the giant M outside of Platteville (climbing all 340 steps), went to the Mystique casino, spent the day in Galena, shopping and antiquing (10 antique stores over the whole weekend), went on a haunted Galena tour and also stopped at a pumpkin farm. The flowers, well I wanted a memory of those as well, as they were very nice and thoughtful. 

I currently have college picture frames of all of our trips, camping at outside of McGregor IA over July 4th weekend 2008, Mall of America and St. Paul 2010,  St. Francies Xavier Basicalla in Dyserville summer 2009, and our Dubuque trip last October.  I truly enjoyed those trips and wish there had been more and that I had taken more pictures.  I actually wish I had taken more pictures of us and Tim.  I have some, but I was often without my camera, so I missed a lot.

I have a few pictures of the two of us around the place, most notably our wedding picture (black and white) which our friend Julie took.  It is in the middle of the collage picture frames i described before.  I have a copy of it at work, but since my return to work, it has been in a drawer.  I can look at them here, as they are almost background, but the one at work always caught my eye, well which prior to his death, was by design.  I am sure someday I will be able to bring it back out again.

Our friends Dean and Tara and their sons, gave us a very nice photo album from Snapfish.  These were pictures that Tar took at the wedding.  My personal favorite of these is the bubble picture.  When Tim and I came downstairs at the church after the ceremony, we were greeted by bubbles.  the picture captures us both smiling and truly happy.  It is one of my most favorite pictures of not only Tim but of the both of us.  the wedding picture and the bubble picture will be the best reminders of that special day.

I have always enjoyed displaying pictures and have quite a few photo albums to prove this.  I may not have always enjoyed my picture being taken, and still don't but I did enjoy taking them  I finally broke down and bought a new digital camera this week.  Not that i didn't like my old one, but it was very slow and went through batteries like crazy.  I will be taking more pictures now, not wanting to miss important, or fun moments.  The more memories I can reflect on the better.  I will include the wedding picture here, and will have to work on getting the bubble picture.

I haven't looked at the wedding album as of late, as it has just been too hard.  I am sure as the wedding anniversary nears I will look at them again, and remember the beauty of that day and probably shed a few happy tears and a few sad tiers.  I will be grateful for the memories.

Stuff

In accepting the responsibility of being the Personal Representative of Tim's estate, I know that there would be a lot to do.  Cancelling credit cards, closing checking accounts, opening an estate account, paying bills, notify insurance companies, etc, were just a few things that had to be done.  In comparison to closing his condo, those were easy and relatively painless tasks.  The closing of the condo or basically the disposition of all his possessions has proven to be a huge undertaking.  It has been fraught with emotion, and is at times all consuming.  Let me better explain why and how.

Tim loved filling his home with items that struck his fancy.  He loved antiques, especially family antiques.  He had various types of collections, keys that adorned the walls of the kitchen; eggs, of all shapes and sizes and materials; toys and a collection of Legos that would have given any Legos store a run for its money.  He also. kept everything, and I mean everything.  I think I said this in an earlier blog, but he was a neat hoarder.  He had a place for everything and everything had a place,

The walls of every room were adorned with candle holders and pictures, small pictures, religious icons, family photos.  The walls were neatly filled, with hardly any free  or open space.  I appreciate his love of antiques and anything that caught his eye.  He for the most part had very good taste, and loved each and I have and continue to have help, as I know better than to go it alone.  I tried a few times to do it alone and i was just unable emotionally to do so.  If I plan on having a productive weekend at his place, I make sure to enlist help.

Packing his clothes was hard, even with the help of his brother and sister-in-law.  I didn't wash the laundry form before he went to the hospital until a few weeks ago.  I just couldn't bear to do it at the time.  I washed this laundry and the rest of his bedding and when done, immediately went to Good Will and donated it. It was so wired giving away his clothes, it did and still does fell like an ending.  I know it is, but to give those things away that he wore and touched every day was just, just.. well hard to do and hard to describe.

I know this has been mentioned in a  previous blog, but all of these items have at times upset me. Upset and left me angry at tom.  Its not that I wanted to be upset or angry with him, but I just felt so overwhelmed.  I was mad that he was gone and left me with so very much to do.  I had a hard time dealing with this anger, but I realized that it was ok to be mad or upset, as these were my true emotions.  I would get angry and tel him this, (I talk with Tim most nights and for now, review the day and how things are going, etc).and after I got it off my chest I felt better and could continue.

It amazes me how much stuff a person has at any given time in their life.  I have periodically purged my possessions as I don't want a tom of stuff, but even still I have a lot of things.  We all have stuff upon stuff that we have accumulated, some we know we have, some we forget we have.  I like simplicity or spareness, I don't like having what i would call clutter. This is not a judgment on others, it is just what works for me.

I have been able to make progress, and things are slowly being moved out.   There are now signs of progress, where a few weeks a go it still looked like nothing much had been done.  I know the day looms when all of his stuff will be disposed of and I lock the door one last time.  This day will be hard and hard fought to get to.  The stuff I had so much angst, real or imagined disposing of, will no longer need to be dealt with.  I am not sure how I will deal with that new reality.