I Miss

I Miss

Holding your hand
Hearing the rhythmic thump thump of your heart valve
The sound of your voice
Your laugh
The scent of your cologne
The roughness of your unshaven face against mine
Your humor
Your laugh
Laying together on the couch watching a movie
Your smile
The happiness you expressed with your eyes
Talking with you
Waking up next to you
Our lazy donuts and coffee Sundays
Seeing you
Antiquing with you (even though I was bored 10 minutes in)
Hugging you
Kissing you
The mornings laying in bed laughing and joking
Folding your laundry
Feeling whole
Your stopping and petting every dog
Your kind and polite demeanor
Being able to tell you I love you
You telling me you love me
Your stuffed animals
You always beating me in 500
My always beating you when we played Candy Land
Reading to you
Your snoring
Calling you right after I was done with work
Calling you husband
Spending my life with you
The things I am forgetting to mention

I love you.

I miss you.

Forget me nots

The Journey/ The Dance

Today Tim was very heavy on my mind today.  In part due to the movie I saw today, 50/50 and due to a few conversations with my friend Sharon today while in Chicago for the day (her work sponsors a yearly  Magnificent Mile shopping trip).  Tim had gone with us three years ago, and as we generally go to the same places, I was once again reminded of him.  Seeing shopping bags from the Lego store, driving past the spot we waited for the return bus home and nearly froze to death, the Christmas ornaments at Crate & Barrel, all just a few reminders of him. 

There was a scene in the movie, where the main character Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who has a rare form of cancer, has a slight meltdown the day before surgery to remove the cancer.  He tells his therapist that he is "tired of being sick".  This struck a nerve as this is the very thing Tim had said a few times, the most memorable was about a month before he went to the hospital.  He had been having cluster migraines and this was the day after a particularly bad spell.  He started crying and repeated  a few times that he was tired of being sick.  I did my best to comfort him but words and hugs can only do so much.  Throughout the whole surgery montage, I was tearing up.  This just brought my thoughts of Tim to the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day. 

As I said in my last blog about mending my broken heart, this has been a rather rough week emotionally for me.  I was in a relative happy place there for a while but I think those days may have gone for a while, but I know they will come back.  These feelings of emotional frailty or susceptibility to tears has been just below the emotional surface for a few weeks now. Most days are fine in that I go to work, function, laugh, have happy thoughts...normal every day stuff, but like I said, emotional frailty is right their by my side.   I know it will get better, I tell myself that everyday.  I know that time will heal the wound of his loss, but that wound will never leave, I will just be better able to deal with it.

There is a song that in part relates to my feelings tonight as i write this blog, it is perhaps one of the most touching songs I know:


The Dance
Garth Brooks

Lookin' back on the memories of the dance we shared beneath the stars above. For a moment, all the world was right. How could I've known that you'd ever say 'good bye?' And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Holdin' you, I've held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the king? But if I'd only known how the king would fall, Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all. And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go. And our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. Yes, my life is better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance. The journey

How can you mend a broken heart

The Bee Gees wrote this song and while I like their version, I enjoy Al Green's version more.  I have been thinking a lot about broken hearts and the mending of them.  I think in part due to ever so lovely fall weather, my mood has been rather glum.  The two funeral visitation in as many days probably didn't help either.  The sun comes up every day and the world continues to spin, whether you hurt or not.  Life has a funny way of going on that way.

The song basically asks, at least for me it does, how do I mend my broken heart when the world keeps moving on.  The song almost asks this as a rhetorical question, how does a heart mend, how do you stop the sun from shining, what makes the world go round.  Ultimately the singer looks beyond this, realizing again that life goes on and hopefully someone will come along and help mend the heart and live again.  While the realization that life goes on and things will get better, it doesn't always make it easier to get through the day and on to the next.  I know I will mend my heart someday and hopefully find another to love and be loved by.  I just have to keep pushing on, one day after the next until the heart is mended.

I have been thinking of Tim a lot the past few days, and to be honest, crying myself to sleep on a few occasions. The emotions sometimes remind me of the first weeks/months after his death.  I sort of imagined that as the one year anniversary grew closer, I would maybe have days like this.  Some of the memories are happy ones, they are not all sad moments.  The next two months have a lot  of anniversaries, our last Thanksgiving, the day he went to the hospital, the stroke, Christmas, 12/31.  I am not afraid or scared that these days are soon to arrive, I will take it day, each moment as it comes.  Those days may be ok, they may be really sad, but as i have said before, it is what it is (or it will be what it will be). 

I may not have magic wand or the magic lamp to mend my broken heart, and even if i did I am not sure I would use them.  While it may hurt, experiencing this loss and all its facets is not something one should wish away.  It helps one grow as a person and it is part of life, enjoyed or not.  My heart will mend someday and my world will be a better place for having mending it and having whole once again.




How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Bary and Robin Gibb

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

Gone but not gone....

Not really sure what to post here, felt like I should post something but as my emotions and feelings are all over the place, I wasn't sure if I could pull something together.  A dear friend of mine and I were talking the other day and the topic of Tim came up.  They mentioned how it still doesn't seem real that he is gone.  I think this is in part due to the fact it happened so fast and was not really expected.  (Those that knew of his condition knew this day may come sooner than later- just not no soon).  He was only in the hospital for 29 days and was at least in some measure making improvement.  That he came back as much as he did after 3 weeks after the first stroke and surgery is pretty amazing. 

I have days were I don't think about him being gone, as in part I just feel as if he is home at this parents place (when he went there we didn't have the chance to talk much) and that we will be talking again soon.  the other day I was on may way to the store after work and for a moment thought: I need to call Tim while i have a minute before i get to the store.  Of course I had to pause for a second and realize that I couldn't do that.  I have yet to take his phone number off my contacts list on my phone.    That won't happen for a while, I am not any where near being ready for that yet.

As i have mentioned before, as very day passes the anniversary of his death gets closer and there are constant reminders of him all around.  He loved fall and all its colors, especially Sugar maple trees.  He enjoyed Sugar maple across the street from my apartment building.  It alwasy turns the most vibrant of oranges.  He loved Halloween, almost as much as he loved Christmas.  I due try and avoid the Halloween stuff when I am at Walmart, as seeing it I would think about what Tim would have liked and what he might have bought.  There are also some super eager stores that have Christmas stuff already, yet another section to avoid, at least for this year.  My ornament buying will take a holiday this year. 

We I will visit his grave once more this year, hopefully yet this month or early next month.  I will take some Christmas flowers and sit for a bit and talk with him.  I don't go often as it is a 2 hour ride one way, so 4 hours round trip.  Plus I truly can talk to him anywhere which I will do sometimes.  I do want to make sure I take flowers and make sure the marker is clean.  I don't plan on being there on 12/31, that is not part of my plan for that day, at least for now anyway.

Sugar maple near apartment

Birthday

Today is my birthday and I didn't really mark the occasion. I would usually have dinner with friends, but I really didn't feel like that this year.  I did, what has become my normal ritual: sit outside at Starbucks, have a grande Iced coffee with vanilla syrup and read a book or write in the journal. Today I did splurge and had the chocolate grahams, my birthday cake I guess. My friends and family called with birthday greetings and my coworkers got me a card.  Aside from the greetings and cards it was pretty much a regular day.

It is funny how much changes in a year.  A year ago Tim and I were in Dubuque the weekend before by birthday.  We stayed in Dubuque, going to Galena and then driving around the area looking at antique stores.  I remember it was a rather chilly weekend last year, I thought we would both freeze while on the haunted Galena night trolley tour.  We really did enjoy Dubuque have spent the weekend of our wedding there as well.  Tim left the Mystic Casino ahead $200, thanks to the Village People nickel slot machine. (I know go figure - the gays pay or at least reward their own ). 

I think this of course is why in part I didn't really feel like celebrating the birthday this year.  Now in all fairness, after the 40th, I have been sort of blah about my birthday.  This year it really felt like any other day. Maybe by my 45th I will feel like celebrating.  I have said that either by my 45th or on my
45th birthday, I will have a tattoo.  Now said tattoo will be no larger than a half dollar, will be a smiley face and will be on my right shoulder or upper right back area.  No bleeding harts or tribal signs, etc., never cared for that at all.  Piercing my right ear was my "mid-life crisis" or just a late 38th birthday present to myself.  the tattoo by age 45 will mark the close of what ever "mid-life crisis" I may be feeling.

Well not much else to say here regrading my birthday, and my non-celebration, I will part with some sage words (I did use this one before on a friend's birthday card, so yes it does look familiar).

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Jack Benny