The end of a chapter...

Ok one probably shouldn't blog after having had a bottle of wine, but here it goes anyway.  I have been deciding if I should start a new blog or continue this one.  I think I will start a new one, one about my gay little life here in Madison.  Not sure how exciting it may be but who knows maybe I will get some views anyway. 

I will admit, I truly love my Rainbowgrief blog, and am so glad for all the help it gave me in dealing with my grief.  Writing and sharing all the emotions that go with the loss of a loved one is a very therapeutic experience.  I shared my deepest emotions and am the better for it.  Having an outlet for my journey through grief was so very helpful.  But at that I also realize that is truly is time to move on.  I am in a very good place right now, as Tim will forever be a part of me, and the grief of his loss , well that will lessen with time, it will  always be a part of me.  It won't be all consuming as it once was, but again, along with my memories of Tim, will always be a part of me,

I say I am in a good place, and I truly mean that.  I have taken my wedding ring off now and have progressed form "am married" to "was married".  Both the physical gesture of removing the ring and the emotional gesture of changed tenses has allowed me to finally find the light at the end of the tunnel. I have even stopped talking about my grief it in therapy and actually may even stop therapy.  I truly will miss Scott, he was so very helpful and is so very nice.  I hate to move on, yet I realize I need to and must.

I close with this:  I love Tim, will always love Tim, miss him incredibly, and will never forget him.  My heart holds a special place for him for now and always.  I am taking that memory away with me as I close this chapter of my life and move on to the next chapter.

I love you now and forever Timmer.

Prince Charming...sure

Being single again and trying to meet new people is frustrating. I thought I would say difficult, as in hard to start over after Tim, but truly it is FRUSTRATING.  I have met some guys, nice I am sure, just not relationship material.  I meet these guys, we talk, text, meet and hang out, only to have it all fall apart after a month.  The longest made it three months, but that has proven the exception.  By fall apart I mean a complete and abrupt halt in convesation and/or actvity. Now I don't think it is me, I think I keep up my end of things, and make the effort.  I don't want to come off as Glen Close all Fatal Attractionish nor do I want to be super aloof either.  I will make overtures of contact but after a while I just give up.  When you are the one making all the effort, it just gets tiring . I think I know when someone is no longer interested.(At least I hope I can pick up on that). 

I have meet one or two men just for fun, and that was all I expected.  I have moved on from that, as honestly, and I am being frank here, self pleasure is enough for now. Now of the men mentioned above, I have kissed one, played with one, and only talked and hung out with a few others.  I just get frustarted by having to kiss so many frogs to get a prince. Well hell some days I would take a Duke or hell even a Knight. (A Duke is below a prince and a Knight is at the bottom of a Royal heirachy- thank you Google). 

I know dating can be a ardouus process, with many ups and downs, so I have to be patient. My having patience is easier said than practiced. I have decided to remove my OKCupid profile and my Gay.com profile as well.  No more Grindr (not that I was really a fan of that app), no more Chemistry (a crappy matching system that didn't tell you that your close matches, which they always had a ton of , were 200 miles or more away before sucking you in to an overpriced monthly commitment.) Ok I might be a bit too bitter about that last one.

I think part of my frustration is that I am a bit of a romantic, thanks to the many romance movies (gay or otherwise) and stories I have endulged in over the years.  Ok I really have to rethink the recurrig day dream I have of meeting Mr. Right at a book store was we reach for the same book, or over spilled coffee at Starbucks.  Both wonderfully romantic but not as realistic as I once imagined.  Not to say I am becoming a total cynic,  I just beleive I am putting things into a better perspective.

I know I struck the love lottery when I met Tim.  The dating gods were smiling down on me the day I placed that ad in the Isthmus and he replied.  I was smitten from our first date.  I don't think I used all my luck up in meeting Tim, I just have a feeling that the dating gods can't smile down upon one all the time, they make you work a bit more the second go around. I will just let what happens happens. As I said in a prevous post, lighting may strike twice, I just have to wait, or cheat and go fly a kite in a thunderstorm.

2nd Wedding Anniversary

     Today is our second wedding anniversary. I find it hard to believe it  has only been two years, it has felt like so much longer.  I have been feeling out of sorts as of late, having so many feelings overlaying the feeling of sadness that I have been struggling to control or better yet, come to terms with.  I know some of this has been because of the anniversary and his birthday earlier this month.
 
     I discussed this with my therapist, and among the things we discussed was how I defined myself.  I am not the boyfriend, I am not the the husband but I am the widow.  Couple this with , the statement that I was married, and I now understood the underlying feeling of sadness.  Using the past tense, putting into words that which I had been trying so hard no too, was very upsetting.  Vocalizing the past tense, was married, while true, didn't make it easier.  It has been easier since stating it out loud, I do feel as though a weight has been lifted. 

     Was, now allows me the continue the process of moving on and helps with the closure process.  While I will never reach complete closure, as he will always be a part of me, it does bring closure a bit closer. I am glad that he will always be a part of me, and that I know he will always be with me.  For it is in he knowing that he will always be there that I can continue to live my life, and move on. The heart is a wonderful invention for it helps so much when we experience a loss. To me , the heart is the final resting place of those we love.  While we will always have memories, it is the heart that remembers our love for the one we have lost.

     The next thing I am now better prepared to do, is to take off the wedding ring.  Until I was able to state that I was married, this would not have been possible.  Now this is not to say that it won't be hard, but I know that I will now be able to do it when the time comes. This will allow me to move on and maybe start anew with someone else. 

Well this wasn't quite the post I had envisioned, but I think it expressed what I have been feeling as of late. I am not sure when or what I will post, but I know I will post something. 

Happy Anniversary, Tim. 
I love you.
      

I wasn't really planning on adding anything, believing that I was "done" in January,  the mood has struck me again.  I have been thinking of Tim lately, as his birthday is coming in a few weeks (June 3rd). I think another reason has been my attempts at dating.  Suffice it to say the dating is not going as hoped .

Both things, his pending birthday and the dating, have caused me to reflect on why I am here and what my dating represents.  I am here because he is gone, and I am left to live on.  Dating reflects my current single status and my hopes for companionship.  I am and have been in a good place regarding his being gone.  I have accepted the reality of his passing and my reactions to it.  While I still miss him and think of him often, I also know I need to also move on with my life.  Dating seems like the right thing to do, even though it may not and has not been working out as I would like.

Now it has proven, and to be honest I need to proof to this fact, that it is far easier to 'get a little" than it is  to meet someone you would like to date.  While I am not above reproach and have 'gotten a little", I would rather have someone to spend time with, to date and hopefully to have  a relationship with. I have had nice date recently, but know that this will not go beyond the occasional cup of coffee or lunch and phone call. I am glad for the date experience, as it has been a long time since I have dated, and the "practice" has been nice.

 I think that I was putting a bit too much on this date, and its success.  We hit it off very well and talked via email and text quite extensively over the course of six weeks. We have met a few times and each meeting has been fun and entertaining.  But, and in most cases there always is one, the good times came to an end.  The communication slowed to a trickle and then stopped all together.  When we did speak again I asked if there was something I should be doing or that I wasn't doing and was told that he needed to go slow due to being burned in the past.  Well we evidently had different ideas of what slow means.  I believe his definition is glacial in nature while mine is more snail or tortoise in nature. 

I will hang out and as stated before, meet for coffee or lunch and the occasional phone call, but that truly is all I am  expecting.  I will move on and wade into the dating pool again.  I have been trying to tell myself that this go around, I will let the relationship come to me and not actively pursue it.  With Tim, I was actively looking for a relationship and lucked into one.  This time I will try the "I am not really looking so that way one (relationship) will come along" approach. 

Here's to hope or is it optimism? Or is it more like here's to chance or fate, Well regardless I will solider on and let what happens happen. (unless after a reasonable amount of time I again actively pursue a relationship- and hope for a second lightning strike.)

A door closes and a window opens...

I apologize for not noting for a while.  It was not for lack of time, just a lack of anything to write about.   I have been thinking a lot lately about this blog and how I want to proceed with it.  When I started it, it was in part due to lack of gay grief sites and as a way to express my grief.  It was hoped that it would be helpful to others who were going through the same thing, and I believe it has accomplished that.  I hope it will continue to help others, and let others know that they are not alone in their grief and pain.

I think I will stop blogging for the foreseeable future.  It is not that my journey is done but I feel that I am in a good place now and that I truly don't have anything more to share.  This blogging experience has been so beneficial to me and has helped me in so many ways.  While it may have stared with tears, it ends with, well a smile.  A smile in the knowledge that I have grown through this experience and am now in a place with happy memories.  The storm clouds that surrounded me for so long has now gone away and the sky is once again clear. 

I will continue to check the blog and will be able to see any comments as they come to an email I access all the time. I want those who read this who have experienced loss, that the journey will have its ups and downs, and may seem that the light at the end of the tunnel is never coming, but trust me it truly does get better.  Hang in there and know that you are not alone and you are embraced and supported by myself and by everyone else who has suffered a loss.


All the best and all my love.  Thank you