Forgetting to remember

The past few weeks as I have mentioned previously, I have been finding myself thinking of Tim a lot.  Seeing the back to school sales reminds me that school is starting once again, this being the first full school year were he won't be teaching.  The calendar is reminding me that it is almost Fall, his favorite season.  The tree across the street was always his favorite, as it turns the most vibrant shade of orange.

Fall means Halloween, a holiday he so enjoyed decorating for, decorations that were a bit too creepy/gross for my taste.  He had cut out what seemed like hundreds, of black bats that he stuck to the ceiling.  He had rats and bugs and severed limbs and spiders everywhere.  Halloween meant that he would be getting Salem's Lot from the library again. He would listen to this  as he (us on the weekends) went to bed at night.   I may not have head it all from beginning to end, but I heard enough to know how it ends and to avoid small New England towns. Fall also means Thanksgiving, and the remembering of our first and last Thanksgiving together (he usually went home and I went to a friend's) at his parents house, eight days before he went to the hospital (12/02). 

Each passing day and month gets closer and closer to not only Christmas but New Years Eve.  Christmas was his holiday, he decorated every inch of his condo, with garland, bows, nutcrackers, ornaments, nativity scenes (he always had a huge Nativity scene in front of the TV, with enough animals for 5 arks), lights, festive candle rings, etc.  I will miss not having at least 25 presents or more to wrap for him this year.  I always joked that I felt like I was in a  wrapping paper sweat shop due to the number of presents I had to wrap. ( I had the paper cuts to prove it).  We would watch the various black and white versions of Scrooge (Alister Simms' version was his favorite) over and over again. I usually begged for anything else by the third viewing.  I am not sure I could get through them now, and probably won't watch them for a very long time if I do.

I know that for now at least, I really won't be celebrating Christmas.  I won't necessarily be skipping Christmas, but I will not be openly celebrating it either.  I will give gifts but really I don't want any and won't be decorating for it either.  I just want to get through this holiday season with minimal celebration and remembrance.  I really just need a Christmas of not celebrating to get back in the mood of celebrating.  I just don't feel the need to openly embrace the holiday season this year.  I am not depressed about it, I just am not really in the mood for it.

I won't comment on New Years Eve yet, as I am not sure how  want to spend that day or that evening.  I am not really looking forward to remembering that day right now anyway.  I just want t get through December the best I can.  I am not thinking it will be easy or  hard or a good or bad month, I am just hoping right now to get through it.  It will be what it will be I guess.

I guess this post can be about forgetting to remember or remembering to forget.    Some memories I enjoy remembering and others I would choose to forget.  I try to keep busy enough to not remember, but then again also try and remember at least the happy moments.  This is not easy to do and at times is down right hard to do.  I am trying to take it as it comes and do try to at least acknowledge my feelings and let them play out.    One can only  remember the past, get through the present and hope for the future.

Courage

Tonight, I went with Sharon to see the movie, The Help. This movie, based on the book of the same title, for those that may not know is,  "A 1960s-era Mississippi debutante sends her community into an uproar by conducting a series of probing interviews with the black servants behind some of her community's most prominent familiesI had heard good reviews of this movie. (MSN Entertainment) It is also about personal courage, doing the right thing and being true to ones self. 

The fact that people were thought of by many as just the help and then not treated very well, is very sad and disturbing.  That people lived under those conditions and then found the courage to stand up ad say enough is enough is encouraging and uplifting.  The movie helped to show how people find it with in themselves to learn who they are and to be a better person for this new found self awareness.

This movie, surprisingly fits well into this weekend here in Madison.  This weekend is Capital Pride, a celebration of equality and diversity in Madison.  The movie and Pride, bot highlight the struggle and courage one needs to be self aware, and personal freedom.  Today's acceptance was won by those who scarified their lives and personal freedoms, and took a stand to say in their loudest voice, that i am a person and I deserve to be treated equally for I am a person, just like you. 

This may be a bit soap boxy, but it is refreshing to see a positive story, an uplifting story, about personal courage.  I have yet to read the book, but based on what i saw of the movie, they had a great story to start with.  The movie had its funny parts and its sad parts.  I wont give anything away here, so you will have to read the book and or see the movie.  I surprisingly didn't cry, as I tend to do anytime there is a sad part in a movie.  I did laugh though, and was deeply touched by some scenes.  The actresses did a wonderful job portraying these characters.  I felt as though I knew them and felt for them, and that is a lot to achieve in two hours.  Kudos to everyone who helped bring about the book and the movie. 

I left feeling a bit, well uplifted.  I don't feel like I could set the world on fire, but I did fell better about myself.  I fell a bit more empowered and happy for being myself.  Granted, I am a  work in progress, but I was reminded that courage comes in many forms and is within all  of us.  We just need to be true to ourselves and let our courage shine through. 



Ready to take a chance again

I had  a post almost completed a few days ago , and somehow managed to screw it up and it wasn't posted or saved.  The first post looked pretty good so my hope is that this one will as well.

I, until a few weeks ago, was in a good place emotionally.  I had gotten through the closing of the condo, the burial of the ashes, Tim's birthday and our wedding anniversary, all within the space of a few weeks.  Things seemed to be going pretty, until a few weeks a go, when I noticed my irritability increasing, I was becoming very impatience with everything and everybody.  I was tired and basically crabby, and was having trouble sleeping through the night.  I did my best to get through the days as best I could, but it was getting harder with each passing day.

I ended up going back to see my therapist, and am working on his recommendation of Mindfulness.  I have been reading some books on the topic and am trying to see how to include it in my daily life. I  picked up were I left off in The Happiness Project and am writing in my journal again. have also joined a MeetUp book club here in Madison that meets once a month. I am still toying with the idea of taking a class as well, but so far have not found anything of interest yet. All of these are helping along with trying to establish a more structured daily/weekly/monthly routine.

 I have no real structure and without it I am feeling a bit drift less and somewhat without purpose. I am dealing with being alone and not having the kind of companionship I would like right now, but its this lack of purpose or direction that I am truly struggling with.  I was pretty much coasting from the 'high" of the time consuming, busy work on Tim's estate, the clearing of the condo, etc.  That "high' has worn off and now I am struggling to find a purpose a direction, a structure , a routine. I would like some of this by the end of the year as  I don't want to go into December without something to distract, preoccupy, or to busy myself with.  Having structure and a routine will help get through the holidays and the anniversary of his death.

All of this activity and attempts to find purpose remind me of how I ended my last post, saying how I was Ready to Take a Chance Again, finding inspiration from another of Barry Manilow's songs.  This song may not totally relate to my situation but its theme does, being taking ready to take a chance, a new direction, etc.   This chance and how I take it will be an interesting change, a change I am looking forward to.  I close once again with the words of Barry Manilow.



Ready to Take a Chance Again

You remind me I live in a shell,
Safe from the past,
and doing' okay,
but not very well.
No jolts, no surprises,
No crisis arises:
My life goes along as it should,
it's all very nice,
but not very good.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again,
Ready to put my love on the line with you.
Been living with nothing to show for it;
You get what you get when you go for it,
And I'm Ready To Take Chance Again with you.
When she left me in all my despair,
I just held on,
My hopes were all gone.
Then I found you there.
And I'm Ready To Take A Chance Again
Ready To Take A Chance Again with you,
With you.

Road trip

Today, Sunday, I drove the two hours to visit Tim's grave as the headstone is now placed.  I had seen the plan for the headstone and his family had pretty much honored my wishes on content.  They did a very good job picking out the color and the stone type, and it was done withing the two months promised by the headstone maker.

I had to clean off some bird poop but otherwise the marker was very nice.  I sat next to the marker and played a little ABBA music on my phone while we had a conversation.  It was a warm and sunny day with a slight breeze which made sitting comfortable.  I took pictures, one I hope to add either to this post or separately to the blog.   The flowers I placed in June were still there and looked nice.  I will probably go again in October and put switch out the summer flowers for Christmas flowers.  I also hope to find a solar powered glowing Christmas tree light to leave as well. 

Tim was a Christmas "junkie", loving anything and everything to do with the holiday.  He, as I addressed in my last post, was responsible for bringing me out of my indifference for the holiday.  I used to love Christmas when I was home, always looking forward to helping Mom decorate and make cookies and candies.  Prior to Tim I really wasn't that into the holiday, while not Scrooge I just wasn't happy about the hassle, the fact that the holiday season started in October, and the money that was spent.  This year I think I will say no to gifts for myself, and only give the minimum gifts and no Christmas cards.

I think that I will only be going to the grave a few times a year, around our anniversary or his birthday and once in the fall.  It is not a bad reflection on me, it is a long haul, four hours round trip, too much gas and honestly, I can remember him without having to visit his grave site.  I know he would understand that and would honestly tell me to not bother.  It is my own sense of responsibility and maybe guilt that makes me go.  A grave should have some sort of flowers or something to show someone cares, so if nothing else I will go at least once a year and visit.  I go with my Mom and maybe a sibling to place flowers at the Grandparents grave and those of Great and Great Grate grandparents every Memorial Day weekend.  My grandpa used to do this by himself for years, and the last 3 years of his life, I used to drive him.  This is something I enjoy doing and honestly am glad to do it.

Now that the grave has a marker and his ashes have been buried, I feel a sense of closure and composure.  This was something that had to be done and is now done and I can move on.  I still have a few things to do in regards to the estate, but otherwise, the must do or need to do things are done.  I can now focus on trying to get on with my life, honoring his memory in my own way and on my own terms.  Life needs to be lived and its time to try and do that better.

Here is a Hebrew proverb that I think is appropriate:

Say not in grief: "He is no more", but live in thankfulness that he was.

Can't smile without you...

For the longest time I thought Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You was a uplifting , positive song.  Now for some it may be but for me now it is a bit sadder.  While yes there are many positives listed in the song, it is or is for me a song about loss.  The opening verse: 

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything

explains how I feel some days.  Recently, and I have mentioned this in a previous post, I have been thinking of Tim a lot lately.  This while not surprising, is something I wasn't doing as much recently. this is not to say I forgot about him or that he didn't cross my mind, its just that it is happening more frequently lately.  I have been rather, well I am not sure how to describe how I have been feeling.  Sometimes, a little sad, sometimes a lot sad and other times happy. These sad moments in part are due to my doing something or going somewhere and thinking that Tim would have liked this or if Tim were he he would buy that or maybe I should buy that for him, or I would have bought that for him.  This is only made worse by the feeling that comes with doing these things alone and without his company.  Carrying on is one thing but having to carry on with the sometimes added weight of memories, is some days almost impossible.

Now it is not all sad memories, there are many happy, smile inducing memories or moments as well.  Every time I use a self check out aisle, especially in a grocery store, I almost chuckle.  The self check out aisle was one of our first fights, he having never used them, wasn't doing it right and I was getting frustrated as I by then was pretty apt at them.  Needless to say we laughed about it later, and form then on if we used a self check out I did the checking out.  A song will come on the radio and I will remember how much he liked it and how much I didn't but that I let him listen too it anyway.

Every day is not all bad nor all good, especially lately.  I guess even though I have a few things to keep me busy, work, exercise, biking, reading, it still isn't always enough.  It doesn't help that the year is just flying by, and we are now five months from Christmas.  Maybe I am being too pessimistic, but  am not really looking forward to Christmas this year.  I was in a "oh yeah its Christmas again, and I don't really care" mood for a few years before Tim and was just getting out of that feeling before last Christmas.  Well I think it will be a while before Christmas holds any special meaning or provides cause to celebrate.

I guess over all I just need to get through this as best I can and hope for the best.  As I am fond of saying, it is what it is.  I can't change the past and can't predict the future, so the present is all I have.  I may not be able to smile without you right now, but I am working on being ..."Ready to take a chance again."

Can't Smile Without You

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brighten my day
Who would of believed that you where part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when your sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I’m finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you’re glad
I feel sad when you’re sad
If you only knew what I’m going through
I just can’t smile without you

Now what..

I thought that maybe I was ready to at least make new friends, gay male friends, specifically someone from Madison.  This way I would have something to do and someone to do things with.    I met some nice people, but for various reasons, it never worked out.  I wasn't asking for a whole lot really, again just someone to hang with, maybe see a movie with, etc, etc... some companionship, that's all.  Well I have taken a step back from this and am working on being happy doing things solo.  I fortunately am one of those people who will go out and dine by themselves or see a movie by themselves.  Would it be nice sometimes to have someone to do this with, sure, but again I don't mind doing it by myself sometimes and if I have to.

Now I at one point thought that hey if I meet someone and it progresses beyond friendship eventually that would be fine.  Now is that to say I am actively seeking a friend that I hope will be more, the answer would be no. I am leaving myself open to anything now, if someone comes along great, if not that's fine too.  Fate can be a fickle mistress..  had i not decided to place that personal add in the Isthmus and if Tim hadn't decided to pick up the isthmus that last week in February, we would never had met.  That is why I am leaving myself open to the possibility of friendships or maybe more. 

I have always had this rather romantic idea that i would meet Mr. Right at a coffee shop or a book store.  I would catch the look of someone in line or in the coffee shop and he (i am too much of a coward to walk up to them - although i am working on that) and we start talking and hit it off right away.  This or I am reading the last store copy of a book that he was interested in..conversation ensues and we live happily ever after.  I have been watching way too many sappy romantic movies or reading one too many sappy romance stories (gay and no-gay).  I may be a hopeless romantic, and while I don't want to totally loose that part f my self, I am also  becoming more of a realist and can see that this really doesn't happen all that often. Besides, and I can totally relate to women on this, men, gay or straight, can be and surprisingly in more numbers than I thought possible, jerks.  Jerk was my polite term, and I will leave it at that for now.  I think in part the term doesn't need any future explanation.

So back to my situation.. I do have someone I have met a few times and we currently meet at Concerts on the Square (with his friend).  This is a Wednesday evening meeting, we all have a few drinks, listen to the concert then go to the Shamrock for a drink as well.  I usually make a night of it, going to eat at the Old Fashioned then meet them for a beer at the Concert.  Not sure how this will continue once the Concerts season is over the first week in August.  For now it is something I look forward to once a week and the company is nice.  This I hope will be an ongoing friendship, but again I cautiously am waiting to see what happens.

Now what was the title of this posting because I am not sure where to go or what to do..  Now if only I had a Rhett to tell me They don't give a dam and that would push me to be strong and be independent ....ok a bit dramatic Scarlett.. anyway I just need to be happy with myself and be happy with doing things solo right now.  The past is past and the future unwritten, so all I have is the here and now and I need to deal with that now.  I have said this before and it really is true.  It is what it is.   You can deal with that truth or choose to ignore it, but ignoring it never works in the end anyway.

Directions

I have been feeling adrift or directionless lately, not knowing where to go or what to do with my life.  I have really been doing a whole lot of nothing, trying to find things to occupy my free time, which I have in spades.  Before, with Tim, my weekends were structured: breakfast, laundry, shopping, grocery store, coffee with friends on Sunday. I had the rest of the week to do other things, things I enjoyed which were treats not space fillers, like reading for example.  Now the things I used to enjoy are not enjoyable, as they seem more like tasks and not treats.

I was taking to surfing the net or chatting with others, all mindless activities and not real productive uses of time.  I need to find things that give my life structure; meaning; purpose; fun; fulfillment.  This may seem like a lot to ask, but really these activities can meet or satisfy all or some of these requirements.  I used to think that doing nothing was doing something, but after a while nothing is just that, nothing.  This need for structure, fulfillment, etc., has itself taken up some time, as I have been thinking really hard what I could do that would help me meet these requirements.

I have thought and am still looking into this, but maybe I should take the bull by the horns and enroll in the Culinary Arts program at MATC(Madison College).  I have always talked about doing this, yet here I am years later and I am still dithering about it.  I can make the time and if I take one class a semester, I can afford it as well.  I have also been toying with the idea of getting a bike. A bike will get me out and about and is great exercise.  I currently walk now and do exercise, but this would open up a whole new area of exercise.  I do enjoy being outside, and being on a bike would help get me out of my head sometimes.  A nice open stretch of trail and I can zone out, taking in the beauty of my surroundings and just breathing.  I do think see the bike being a reality very soon.

Now as for purpose or fulfilment, I have been struggling with this a lot.  It was, and still is too some degree important for me to be in a relationship.  I felt that a relationship completed me, and while some level it may have, it really doesn't complete me.  I am my own person, regardless of my relationship status.  I think I felt this way because I never felt accepted or that I was liked by others.  This thanks to being the subject of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my fellow elementary school class mates. 

Being the fat country/farm kid made me an easy target.  When I did find someone who liked me or showed interest in me, i felt liked and completed, the void left form my childhood now filled.  Was this a healthy thing, no not really. If one has to rely on another for total acceptance and fulfillment, they will be let down.  Now this let down is not necessarily on purpose, people grow apart, friendships come and go, people move and people die.  I have been working my way through these issues and am now more comfortable with the fact that while a relationship is nice, it is not a necessity nor is it a requirement now.  I am leaving myself open to a relationship, but I am not actively seeking one nor do I see it as a key source of purpose or fulfillment.

My soul searching and feeling of being adrift, was prompted by Tim's death.  Mortality is a bitch and it has one hell of a wake up call.  Tim fulfilled so many things for me, from love to structure.  His death made me reflect on my own mortality and take stock of my own life.  Where am I, where do I want to be, have I done what I wanted or done enough. These questions and others have been preoccupying me as of late, and may never be totally answered.  I think that if I could answer all of those questions,  I would have found the meaning of life, and while we may get close to a meaning, it is something we will never know as it is always in flux, alwways changing.  Life is ever evolving and changing, and that is what defines us: our ability to deal with and live with this change and evolution.